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Weaving Dreams (Why I Love my Job)

2012-02-02T08:29:00.007-08:00

True, there might be days (like today) when I'd feel as if there is nothing but endless work deliverables. If truth be told however, I certainly wouldn't want to be doing anything else. Development work can indeed be very taxing not just to the body, and not just emotionally but your soul gets bruise every now and then as well. This morning though, something happened that again reiterated to me why I chose to be involved in what I do and why I wouldn't want to be anywhere but where I am now.

We are on a monitoring visit, visiting one of our Partner NGO's area of intervention. It wasn't the first time for me. I've visited this particular site several times in the past. What makes it special this time, however, is the fact that I am with two photo journalists who are also from Davao. We have an upcoming event come March and part of which is featuring the lives of some women farmers and women fishers. This morning, we are there to interview one of those women.

Without necessarily pre-empting the whole thing, Manang Dolores' story is really compelling. Hers is that of a single mother, giving all she's got in order to ensure the well being of her children. Living in the rural areas, the opportunities are not exactly abounding. She had to make do with subsistence farming in order to make ends meet. The good thing about her -- and the number of women like her in their area who involved themselves in rubber farming -- is the fact that they did not just stop and contend themselves with what life dishes out at them. Instead, they started creating opportunities for themselves and for their families.

During my first visit in the area I was already amazed at the kind of spirit that these women have displayed. But my admiration for them grew even more when I got to know them more intimately.

Rubber is a long gestating crop. With proper handling and following the right protocols, one can only start earning an income from it after five years. That's long alright, especially when viewed against the daily subsistence needs of the children and families of these women. Feeding their children is a daily concern. Sending them to school is a daily concern as well. Attending to the well being of their families is something that these women contend with everyday. It is not something they could postpone for five years -- the same amount of time they would spend waiting for their rubber trees to start becoming productive and bringing in income for the family.

And yet, despite this, these women persevere. After attending to daily household chores, they would walk 2 to 3 kilometers in order to visit their farms and tend to their growing rubber trees. One of the women even shared to me how precious their rubber trees are to them. She pointed out that at times, she had to leave her little children behind just to tend to her rubber trees. That made me wonder. How come these women put so much value on their rubber trees so much so that while they obviously have certain misgivings about leaving their children behind, they would do so, just so they could religiously tend to their rubber farms. Then I suddenly remembered attending several FGD sessions with these rubber farmers (both women and men) a few months back. I remembered how a good number of them have shared that for them, the rubber trees are their "ticket to the future." A good number of the participants had then shared that they look at rubber as something that would ensure the future of their children and even that of their grandchildren. To these women (and men), the rubber trees hold far more significance than its promise of income in the next five years.

I can't help but admire as well our partner NGO for having successfully instilled such value into the people in the community. I've seen several projects and programs in the past and instilling this kind of ownership in the partner communities is something that I very rarely see. More often than not, the energies of the people are only fuelled by their sense of obligation or some kind of gratis to the organizations funding their projects. Once the organizers leave, the projects also die down and the energies of the people are no longer sustained. But this, this is different. The people are totally sold out to the intervention and are giving more and more of themselves into the activities of the project.

I thought to myself that the reason for this is simply because to these farmers, the rubber trees represent their dreams of the future. It was impressed upon them that if they will not do their share, give their best, there is no way that these dreams will ever materialize. These realizations made me appreciate more our Partner NGO's efforts. It made me realize as well how development work, when use properly, can really motivate people to work hard for their dreams. If one manages to do that, to convince even one person to do just that, then I think he had already accomplished more than enough.

It had been said before and several times already in the past but I will nonetheless pen it down again: that development work is really not just about handing out formulas or "solutions-in-a-box" to people to help them achieve success and improve their quality of life. This experience taught me that teaching them how to dream, and to impress upon them that they also needed to invest in that dream by giving all they've got in order to achieve it, is actually doing them more good and would eventually lead to creating a greater impact in their lives. I salute the kind of development workers who are mindful of this and who dedicates time and effort into the whole "enterprise." To me, they are dreamweavers, planting dreams into the heart of people and teaching them to once again hope in the future...

My Entrepreneurial, Five-Year Old Son

2011-05-09T09:26:00.002-08:00

I was bent over my laptop trying to work on a report and totally exhausted when my five-year old son approached me and said, "Nay, Lola and Ate gave me money!" He then laid down next to my laptop a five peso coin and one peso coin. Without missing a beat he spread out his three-compartment small bag (an attachment to his Tatay's mountaineering backpack) in front of me and began his litany: "Nanay, this one (his lola's pau de arco ointment) is 5 pesos; this one, (efficascent oil) is 2 pesos; while this one, (a varop rub) is only 1 peso! Pa-haplas ka na, Nay. I know you're tired. Bayaran mo lang ako!"

I smiled wryly at him and asked if I could get it for free as I was indeed very tired and I'm his mother after all. He paused for a minute, probably thinking things through before saying, "Ay! bayaran mo lang ako!" When I did not say anything, he let out a sigh and said, "Sige na nga. Pero sandali lang ha? Kasi tired naman ako hilot kina lola." Huh!

I remember that only that morning, he and his cousin Janin, again set up a DVD-for-rent stall in front of our house. I watched in concern as they amateurishly tied our only umbrella to our gate just so they would have some sort of a shed as they diligently "manned" their stall.

He had tried it twice before and there were no takers. I have prayed hard in those instances that he would be able to make a sale so that his little entrepreneurial heart would not get broken. Still, the afternoons have come and gone and still not a single customer. I think it was not helpful that there are just 6 occupied houses on our street. And, most of the house owners were gone for the day. It could also be that no one really took him that seriously, thinking he's just playing pretend. On those times I wished that I could just rent out the DVDs for his sake but I hesitated, noting how smart he is and that he might not appreciate the gesture.

When he set it up again that morning, I felt relieved at the thought that the previous experiences did not discouraged him at all. I certainly admired his fortitude. The admiration soon doubled when out of the blue I distinctly heard his loud voice, calling out in a "sing-song" manner, "DVD's for rent!" I almost toppled over in laughter. I remember thinking, "This kid is really something." He wasn't discouraged at all. Not only that, he also thought about changing his "marketing strategy" hehe I suddenly had to remind myself that my son is only five years old.

I tried to recall what got him into it when I remembered it all started two Christmases ago. At that time, thanks to his Lolo (father side) and Lola (mama), he discovered the wonderful world of... "retail." I was adamant at not introducing him to the "power" of money so I never gave him any. I try to anticipate what his needs would be and so I had them at hand at home. That way, I wouldn't have to visit a nearby sari-sari store and have him see me buy stuff. But lo and behold! I did not know until it's too late that every time he visits his Lolo, one of their favorite past time would be to go to a sari-sari store so he could choose anything that he wants and have his Lolo buy it for him. On top of it all, he would leave the house with some "baon" in the form of money in his pockets. Always, his Lolo's parting words would be, "Yan ang money ha? Bili ka kung anong gusto mo!" Huh! Mama was no different. A bit subtle but equally as damaging.

And so, that Christmas, he had been asking me to buy him some stuff and more. It's either this toy or that, this candy or that. Wanting to educate him on the value of money, I introduced him to the concept of "earning" them. I told him I'd buy him the things that he needs and some of his wants as a gift. For all the other things that we wants, he would have to earn money for them. Recalling that now, I'm not so sure if it was the wise thing to do. He was only a little over three years old at that time. That would have been too early for his young mind to absorb. But, I knew I had also tried my best to be subtle about it.

Christmas is usually the time when we'd go to DAP office where his Godparents mostly are. We would usually go there so I could leave my gifts for my own inaanaks. That is also the time when we'd find his gifts already waiting for him, some from Ninangs in the office and some, left by his Godparents that were former DAPpers . I thought it perfect to have him bring a bag of candy with him so he could "sell" these to his Ninang's for a small amount. I knew my former colleagues would understand and would play along.

We had a field day then, trying to pick up from the grocery his "perfect" product. I thought candy was inappropriate. At the same time, buying biscuits would be too bulky and too expensive. In the end we settled with "Flat Tops," a chocolate candy hehe And so there he was, not shy at all, approaching his Ninang's to sell them chocolates. I guess he enjoyed the experience so much that it got stuck.

Haaay, I don't know where all these would lead to. I just hope that I could guide him along accordingly. He knows about the value of saving and he's good at it as well. I just hope that I could educate him on how other kids don't have it quite easy. I also certainly hope that he wouldn't grow up to be so gungho about money. I love the fact that he's entrepreneurial even at an early age. I'm just not too crazy at the thought of having him like money too much. What I really want is for him to appreciate how working hard has its rewards. So, help me Father God!

A Day in a Life (Late Post)

2011-05-02T06:56:00.006-08:00

Holy Wednesday 2011
Hinatuan

I could feel my sweat literally traversing down my spine. Some “droplets” are forming over my forehead. The overhead fan is doing very little to help ease the heat. Still, it’s slightly better over here than when we were out at sea earlier. The sun had been relentless. The not-so-good-thing was that the banca we hired for the activity had no roof at all. So there we were, getting baked as we made our way back to the town proper of Hinatuan.

I arrived here Monday night. Yesterday, we visited the island of Mahaba. Today, we went all the way to Cabgan. I’m here for work, a writing engagement. I’ll be coming up with two stories featuring a day in a life of two women here in Hinatuan. It’s in conjunction with what I’m doing for Women at the Center, a climate change adaptation project concerning women. The stories we are going to write now will feature what constitutes two women’s everyday life – that of Nanay Nida and Nanay Aida. Nanay Nida hails from Mahaba while Nanay Aida is from Cabgan, both island purok’s here in Hinatuan.

Both visits yielded a well of inspiration for me. There were a lot to be learned from the stories of both women. However, what struck me the most during my visit in Mahaba was the attitude of the children there. Particularly, that of Nanay Nida’s which I think could be attributed a lot to her kind of parenting. In the course of our conversation with her, she would often remark at how she had a lot of things to do -- having to help her husband in augmenting their household income and owing to her involvement with the organization for women – and thus she had to teach her children to take over some of the hings she needed to do a home.

Needs vs. Wants. The first thing I noticed about the kids are their eagerness to help their parents – in doing the household chores, and most specially in shell gleaning (“panghinhas” in the local dialect). At one point while we were doing the photoshoot, one of Nanay Nida’s kids refused to participate in shooting the part where the kids fetch water. He stood his ground and said he wanted to gather shells instead.

In hindsight, he must have known full well that it is the height of the low tide at that time which is perfect for shell gleaning. Delaying a bit more would mean not finishing up till noon and that would have been too hot to do any gleaning. But I did not know it yet at that time. All I knew is that the kids seems very eager to do the task and I wondered a lot about what their motivation was. I watched closely as the children eagerly and very diligently comb the shallow waters of the atoll, stooping every now and then as they collect shells. In just a short time, they were able to fill a very large pail with shells. Again, I wondered what motivates them to work so hard.

My immediate thought was that they would probably be earning something from it. I thought they probably get a share from what they'd earn from selling the shells and thus the eagerness. I was surprised when later that day I was told they do not get a cent out of it. Apparently, the kids hand whatever they earn from shell gleaning to their parents. Yup, every cent of it. And they do it not because they were forced to do it. They just do it naturally, even joyfully and most specially, not begrudgingly. I was told that once they hand over the money to Nanay Nida, they would only ask for some money to buy bread for themselves. Yep, just bread. The whole thing blew me away.

It is such a far cry from what I know about the kids back in the city. The kids back home are not like the kids in Mahaba. Well, most of them at least and this include my son. My 5-year-old son is entrepreneurial. When school was through, he set up a DVD-for-rent stand outside our house. I watched in amusement as he prepared his collection of DVD cartoon originals and a sticker ID he stuck to his chest bearing his hand-written name. I watched as he prepared his water bottle and some hand-fan. When he saw me eying these, he immediately retorted, “Baka mauhaw ako, Nay and para di mainit.” I did not have the heart to point out to him that his stand is just a stone’s throw away from the house and the water dispenser.

Anyhow, unlike the kids back in Mahaba, my son’s perspective is that his earning is his own. I do not blame him though because his motivation is that his Nanay doesn’t buy him everything that he wants and so he had to earn money. Anything he earns he keeps. Some of it he saves while the rest he buys the stuff I wouldn’t buy for him like game cards. For the kids in Mahaba it is different. They knew how difficult it is at home. Their parents have to work hard so they could afford to buy rice and other things they needed for the home. The difference between them and the kids I know is that they work hard so they could buy the things they need. My son does so he could buy the things he wants.

Not having things easy. Yup, the kids in Mahaba don’t have things easy. And fetching water is just one of them. The kids or the women – including Nanay Nida - had to do some paddling for quite a distance in order to fetch drinking water from the other side of the island. And they would have to do it at a particular time – when it is high tide. Doing it during low tide meant the women or the children would have to carry a heavy container filled with water while trudging over a very muddy path, sinking as low as thigh-deep in some parts of it. It also meant they would have to struggle in carrying their banca – probably stuck in “dry” land – back to much deeper water.

That’s what happened to us when we did the photo shoot. We had to linger for a while in order to take the pictures and thus the water had receded a lot farther than we have anticipated. Being unfamiliar with the path, we had to endure getting stuck knee-deep in the muck. It felt squishy. Half the time I was filled with an uneasy feeling, not wanting to know at all what kind of organism is stuck in between my toes hehehe

We were almost where our banca was when the photographer remarked how he would not look at turning on tap water the same way again and I so agreed with him. Indeed, there are a lot of things that we get so used to that we simply take them for granted. We do not know that in some obscure place somewhere, some people don’t have it quite easy.

To have and to hold. Cabgan is another story. What struck me the most was the relationship between Nanay Aida and her husband. When the couple was introduced to us, we were informed that while it is going to be Nanay Aida’s first time to be featured in a story, her husband, Tatay Milo is not new to it. We learned that he often gets invited to national conferences and even had his story featured in a book. I smile now recalling how, upon the mention of the book, Tatay Milo got his copy of it and showed it to us. I knew that he took a great pride in it and who wouldn’t?

In the course of the conversation, it was pointed out that it is Nanay Aida’s time to shine this time. That’s when we learned of her reluctance to go to Manila for the launching. The stories will be featured in an advocacy campaign to be launched in June in Manila. Nanay Aida said she doesn’t want to leave as she had a lot of things to attend do – their seaweed farm and their home. She said that what she hated the most about leaving is how the work gets piled up upon her return. She pointed out that she’s the lone female at home as all her children are boys and as they are, they would just flit off to their tasks without minding the household chores. This was not lost on me. It is indeed most women’s dilemma. Once they get very active in activities in their community, they would have to contend with household chores waiting for them at home.

Anyway, we soon find out that Nanay Aida’s day unfolds very early. She had to do the cooking and tend to the chicken they raise for special occasions. As their house is directly on the water, the cages of the chicken are located in some kind of a veranda just outside their kitchen. A few more steps away is where they keep their banca. A little further on is where they dry their seaweeds and where Nanay Aida’s potted vegetables are found. They also have a mini sari-sari store and Nanay Aida had to tend to this as well.

As we went about with the photo shoot and the interview, I learned that seaweed farming is a family activity. Nanay Aida and Tatay Milo go to their seaweed farms early in the morning. They would inspect and clean every line to ensure that the seaweeds would grow very well. Unkempt farms would mean the likelihood of having the seaweeds contaminated by certain organisms that attach to them.

I watched as Tatay Milo and Nanay Aida both lowered their banca to the water. I noticed every nuance – the way Tatay Milo held out his hand to Nanay Aida so he could help her keep her balance as she lowered herself to the banca; how Tatay Milo first paddled them towards their seaweed farm located at a distance from their house; and how Nanay Aida took over the paddling so that Tatay Milo can raise the lines and start cleaning the seaweeds. Watching them was like watching some kind of a choreographed dance number. They’re so used to the task --having done it a thousand times by now-- that they readily know how to compliment each other in accomplishing it. It felt nice watching them. It’s as if they are illustrating what true partnership should be.

Once back at the house, Nanay Aida, Tatay Milo, and their two grown sons went back to tying seaweeds on the lines stretched in front of their house. I watched as they sat a few feet apart from each other and diligently get on with the task. The topic of Nanay’s reluctance to go to Manila was again brought up. The COs assisting the community were jokingly enumerating what Nanay Aida would experience should she agree to go to Manila – sleeping in a nice hotel, meeting some of the celebrity who will be attending the launch as well and the chance to ride an airplane. At this, Tatay Milo shared how it was for him the first time he rode an airplane. He laughed as he recalled being reprimanded for trying to pass through the x-ray machine as they made their way inside the airport. Yup, they were that naïve. The good thing about Tatay Milo was that he wasn’t embarrassed at all by the experience. He shared everything to us good-naturedly. He even shared how they also stepped on the scale along with their bags at the check in counter.

Yes, again, not a lot of us have things very easily. Some of the things we take for granted are for some a great privilege already. On that note, I was once again overcome by the feeling of gratitude. I counted my blessings and one of them is my being there to hear about other people’s story and to learn a lot from them.

They were almost done with the lines and about to move on to the other task for the photo shoot when Tatay Milo was asked whether he agreed that Nanay Aida should go to Manila for the launching or not. His immediate reply tug at my heart. He said that if he is to have his way, he would want her to go to the launching so that she will have a chance to get exposed to a lot of things. He pointed out that it is different being stuck in the island. He said that her going would mean affording her the chance to expand her world and see more than just the four corners of their house. Now, that is my kind of guy... unselfish and truly loving…

Finding Mr. Right

2010-09-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

“If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.”

I came across this article of the same title while I was still in the hospital two weeks ago. It wasn’t really of interest to me but as it was the only reading material available at the time, I did not have much choice. The article was well-written however that I immediately found myself enjoying reading it.

The article was typical – it sought to answer what must be one of the most important questions that single women have on their minds – “How do you know if you’ve found Mr. Right?” There were five “signs” indicated there but I found sign no. 1 as the most “significant.” Certainly, it struck me the most and I couldn’t recall having read about it before.

“You would know if it is Mr. Right if he totally believes you to be his Ms. Right.” That was sign no. 1 or words to that effect. But that’s not what really struck me. It was the sentence that came after it that did. It said something like, “If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.” When I read that sentence it felt pretty much like a “light-bulb” moment. It made so much sense.

Typical scenes like women totally frustrated over the men in their lives immediately came to mind. I recall a particular infatuation in my not-so-immediate past wherein I was totally convinced that he is the right one for me – having the same interests, both being opinionated and not afraid to express what we feel about things, and totally passionate about the things we get ourselves into like music, nature, physical pursuits and relationships. We were also both emotional and it’s apparent in the letters and e-mails we exchange with each other. Not to mention the long hours spent chatting and making long distance calls.

But I was much too young then, and very much infatuated that I did not know how to handle the “relationship” well. Until, I found him just slowly drifting away. The e-mails came less frequently, the calls too, until everything just stopped. It took me a while to fully comprehend everything. I could not understand how come everything would come to a halt when he seemed so right for me.

In my mind, everything was so magical – we would exchange emails of pictures we took from our latest climb or nature adventure; I would send him letters bearing the answers to the questions he had laid in his letter that has yet to find its way to me and vice-versa; He would share with me his enthusiasm for a movie he just watched and I would be giving him a complete run-down of the book series I’m currently hooked into, making him love the characters as much as I do. In other words, it seemed to me that we have the perfect formula for the right kind of love – the fairy-tale kind that one usually gets to read in books and see in the movies. At that time I was completely convinced that he was Mr. Right. Apparently, he does not quite think the same way I do.

And it took a while before that particular “detail” totally sunk in. Being convinced that he was the right one for me, I immediately assumed that he thinks the same way too. His moving on to another relationship, however, told me that wasn’t quite the case.

Fast forward that to two years down the line and here comes this person so totally different from me – we don’t like the same music; He doesn’t read books and is not articulate; We both love nature but for him it’s the adrenaline rush while for me it was for the clarity of thought and introspection that afforded me; I shy away from the crowd while he totally basks in the attention. In other words, we’re as different from night and day.

And yet, from day 1 there he is, totally convinced that I’m the right one for him and did not waste time in letting me know exactly how he thinks so. He bombarded me with calls (drop calls to be exact which was quite the thing before for those who are afraid of wasting their cell phone loads away hehehe He is that “kuripot”) – and would suddenly show up un-announced in my doorstep. Every chance he get, he certainly made his presence felt.

I remember how friends would call me just to inform me that they found him braving the heat of the sun, riding his mountain bike just to bring me viand for lunch. True enough, as soon as I put down my fone, there he is handing me the all-vegetable dish he cooked for me. I was purely vegetarian at that time and he would bring me food knowing it would be difficult for me to source out purely vegetarian dishes near the office. Over the years he would be like that. Colleagues would remark about a blouse I’m wearing and how the design is so “me” only to be surprised when I tell them it was Tatay who bought it for me as a gift. In other words, Tatay knows me, and put a lot of thought into what I would like and what would make me happy.

Oh we fight a lot and there are days when I would wail about how insensitive he could get. In fact, in the earlier part of our marriage our “battles” would be phenomenal. It’s understandable given how different we could be. It took a while before we were able to “fine-tune” everything. Now, we still fight but not nearly as explosive as before. We have come to know each other deeply and know what would rub the other raw and thus avoiding them altogether, or at least try to avoid them, most days hehehe.

When I had my recent CS operation, I woke up to find him at my bedside totally concerned and relieved at the same time. He told me how scared he was – seeing me literally writhe in pain, knowing full well I have such a high threshold for pain.

In the following days after that, I saw him being mindful of everything, answering my needs; seeing to the papers and documents needed; sourcing out blood and medicines for Baby Forest; arranging things for our eldest Rod’s orientation week at school; going to the bank and even seeing that our utility bills and housing bills get settled on time. It was no wonder he would collapse right next to me in my hospital bed at the end of the day totally exhausted. And yet, that would not stop him from rising again the next day and doing the same routine all over again. When I had to come home and Baby Forest was left at the hospital, it was him mostly taking care of our needs – seeing that I eat on time, and bring my expressed milk to the hospital twice a day until I was well enough to go there with him and feed Forest myself.

Even now, our days and nights could be long with Forest’s needs to see to. There’s Rod to be taken to school early in the morning also. Last week, I had an engagement for three days straight and he made sure everything is smooth and easy for me. It is him who also tended to Baby Forest at night, waking me up only when it is time for me to feed her.

The other night I woke up to find him snoring silently beside me and my heart reached out to him knowing how exhausted he must be. I appreciated him more for not hearing him complain one bit about it. I looked at him and felt grateful for all the things that he had come to represent in my life. And I said to myself, he is indeed my Mr. Right, not so much for all the things that he is doing for me and our family but simply for “knowing” me.

From the day we met, he already had an inkling as to what I would mean to him. Over the years, he had come to know me better and even valued me more and did not rest until I know exactly how he feels about me. Over the years he had shown me how he knows full well what I need, want and feel without my having to express them. This is telling me that while he might not say it, I know that he thinks about me and the kids a lot. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to anticipate our needs and wants…

As I stared at his sleeping form, filled with so much gratitude, he stirred beside me and opened an eye. Seeing me fully awake he looked at me imploringly, expressing in words what I was silently telling him – “I love you, Nay.” He reached out to touch my check and said, “Love kaayo ta ka…” and then went back to sleep.

I love you very much too, Tatay. Thank you so much for everything. In a few days we will be celebrating our 5th Anniversary. I look forward to spending many more years with you, with us both helping each unfold our own, individual truths, and become even better persons…

Post-comment:

Here’s an addendum to the five signs indicated in the article, my own personal opinion:

You’d know that he’s the one if both of you are growing in the relationship, becoming better persons, giving each other wings and not dragging each other down. If you’ve become petty and less loving (not just to the significant other but to the persons around you), then you’d better start thinking things through…

This had been my personal “yardstick” over the years. When I feel that the other person is starting to drag me down, I let go of the relationship no matter how painful it may prove to be. True, it may take me awhile before I’d be able to bounce back from the loss and the pain -- Jeni, my ever constant BFF have been a witness to this hehehe -- but the unfolding of my own truth is important to me as well. I know the relationship is not good when being in it is starting to feel like being tethered. While my "enduring" attitude would want me to stay for a while, in the long run, I'd know deep down when is the right time to just walk away...

Being Schooled on Men's Perspective About Marriage

2010-06-23T19:51:00.001-08:00

Reposted from Facebook notes

My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.

I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.

Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.

It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.

On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.

They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.

The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.

Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.

On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.

It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.

On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.

I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.

The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.

On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”

Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.

One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.

The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…

Deserving

2010-03-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

“The officials don’t know how we are struggling to live in the communities. They sit comfortably in their air-conditioned rooms and all they care about is politicking and money.”

This, from the mouth of a civilian volunteer, working on the ground, actively monitoring the atrocities committed against civilians. He showed pictures and videos taken of very young children, women and men killed and being hit by bombs and stray bullets because they were suspected to be fleeing “renegades.”

The video was graphic. My heart got wrenched looking at tiny children lying on the ground, lifeless after the boat they were riding on was hit by a bomb. I identified with the grandmothers and mothers who were mourning their death. They were crying and wailing. I could only imagine the extent of the pain they are feeling. I am a mother and my heart would lurch in pain just to see my son hurt himself mistakenly in play. How much more for these mothers who have lost their sons in a senseless war?

The words of the civilian volunteer resonated within me. Having the work that I do, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. (Not even half of all that he had seen) And indeed, there is a big difference between seeing what’s happening on the ground firsthand than just staying in an air-conditioned office and debating about these matters theoretically.

I felt the same frustration and resentment that the volunteer felt for “politicians” up there who think of nothing but enriching themselves and taking advantage of the power that they yield. They are so far removed from the realities on the ground that they could think of nobody but themselves and furthering their own self-interests.

The election is just around the corner and I’ve seen candidates debate on issues – mostly bordering on the personal and other trivialities. I cant help but be cynical noting how trivial their concerns are compared to those that the people at the grassroots had to live with everyday.

I sit here now and wonder -- how many of these candidates deserve the seat they are aiming for? How many of them have the heart, the wisdom and the sincerity to be able to give the position they will be occupying justice? How many of them are aware that when they “court” the people to vote for them, they are also playing with their emotions, stringing along the people’s aspirations and dreams?

True, the government could only do so much. All of us must work hand-in-hand in order to achieve, a just and humane society. And yet, individuals who have the nerve to declare themselves as candidates – who spend millions in campaign materials (when they would be put to better use addressing the needs of the 600 thousand IDPs in Central Mindanao) – also have the responsibility to do justice to the position they will be occupying.

Leading the people especially as fragmented, as multi-sectoral, multi-cultural, and as broken as the Philippines is such a grave responsibility. It's a wonder to me how a lot of them are risking their necks for the post.

I am praying that whoever wins is truly the most deserving and equipped. God help the Philippines, particularly Mindanao.

Baby Overspends

2010-01-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today, all Level 1 “babies” went to SM as an extension of their lessons on fruits and vegetables. They were brought to the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery. The teachers walked them through the aisles, telling them the names of the fruits and vegetables displayed there.

Prior to the activity, a letter had been sent to the parents to inform us of it and to ask our consent for the activity and for allowing the kids to make a purchase. When it was settled that they would be making purchases as well, Tatay and I sat Baby down and tried to set some limits. The letter had said to put money in the pocket of the child and to be on the safe side, Tatay and I agreed that 100 would suffice. But, at the same time, we also agreed spending the whole of that wouldn’t be good either. We don’t want Baby to associate “buying” with spending everything that he has. We want him to experience paying and then getting some change back.

However, it wouldn’t be the first time for Baby to experience paying for purchases. I’ve allowed him to do that several times in the past. Those times when what we were paying for were items that he chose by himself – some biscuits, choco drink, milk, or carefully-chosen toys. In all those instances, he had gotten some change back and every time, he would give it back to us. (He isn’t this good at all times though since while he does return the change every time and readily gives me his baon every time I ask for a loose change for fare, he has this bad habit sometimes of picking up coins lying in the house without asking permission and take it as his own. Tatay and I are working on it.)

Anyway, I had a training and had to work so I was not able to go with him today :( Tatay was there though and I insisted about his bringing the camera. Last night, we sat with Baby and told him to limit his purchase to just two – one fruit and one vegetable. Since his favorite fruit is mango, we agreed that that is what he would buy. One mango. For the vegetable, his favorite is squash but thinking it might be too heavy for him to carry, I asked him to just buy ampalaya for Nanay to which, he agreed.

When I came home for lunch today, Tatay told me how the teacher had to call on him to augment Baby’s money since his purchase totaled more than a hundred. I was surprised to hear about it. Our conversation had been clear. I wondered what happened.

Tatay told me that instead of mango, Baby purchased a pack of fresh strawberries. We had feared this would happen and made it clear beforehand to Baby that he should purchase his favorite fruit, mango, regardless if his classmates would buy strawberries. And yet there he was. When I asked him about it, he immediately reasoned out, “Mango man sana yun Nanay pero nagliko naman kami (with matching hand gesture of “liko”), malayo na sa mango kaya strawberry na lang.” Tatay told me his classmates also bought strawberries so I figured they probably stopped there and so he opted to buy one also.

As for the vegetables, true enough, he bought ampalaya for me hehe Tatay told me he saw him picked the strawberry and thought that was the end of it. He was surprise to find out at the counter that he indeed bought ampalaya and a pack of large onions, the type we usually use for cooking pasta at home. When I asked him how he managed to carry all of it, he gestured, “Ganito, Nanay,” interlacing both of his arms, holding them close to his chest and crouching over them. It wasn’t hard to imagine how it must have been hehehe

Haay I was really sorry to have missed another milestone of Baby’s because of work but I’m glad Baby is so expressive, I have the pleasure of sharing good “after-the-event-conversations” with him each time this happens. Thank you, Father God that my little one enjoyed his trip to the grocery today, for how Baby is turning out to be, and for that little conversation he and I shared. Oh, and for Tatay who is always there to lend a hand :)

On Respect and Sensibilities (Being Culturally Sensitive)

2010-01-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

Are Muslims considered IP’s?” The moment the resource person voiced that out in front of purely Muslim participants, an atmosphere of “discomfort” permeated the air. I felt uneasy and I’m sure some of the participants did also. To their credit, the participants took the question at face value. One of them explained that Muslims are more of a “cultural minority” than an IP.

That was not the first time in this training that I noted how a lot of us here in Davao could still learn where being “culturally-sensitive” is concerned. I want it clear that I am not passing on any judgment. I do not take it against the RP that she had to ask that question. To her, it was an innocent inquiry. It was pretty evident that she simply does not know and had to clarify that since it had something to do with her lecture. Based on how she proceeded with her lecture, it was obvious that her original thinking was that Muslims are really considered IPs.

In the same training, another RP had repeatedly coined a certain reference document as the agency’s “Bible.” And twice made the gesture of the cross when during the open forum, a few participants raised questions about certain practices in their locality and how these were bordering on the illegal. I knew the RP just did not know any better and it led me to wonder how many of us here also do not.

I am lucky since my work exposes me to a lot of groups. Not only does it add more to my knowledge, I feel that it also enriches me as a person. It broadened my horizon and freed me from the prejudices introduced to me in my youth. I became aware that there are belief systems and practices that are entirely different from my own. And that being different does not necessarily mean something is wrong with the other’s beliefs or practices. We are just different, period. And being so, one does not necessarily have to be better than the other.

In one of my work engagements, one participant took time to explain to me what Islam is all about and I fell in love with it. Dabbling with meditation and yoga also introduced me to Buddhism and Hinduism. They’re both equally beautiful belief systems. And I guess it is understandably so, because God is beautiful, no matter in what form S/He may choose to represent Himself/Herself.

I am not perfect. I still have aversion to certain things and situations. But being more aware, I am now able to step back, examine my prejudices and label them as what they really are – baseless, ignorant assumptions. Every person, regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation or preference is worthy of respect. We have no right to pass on any judgment. At the same time, we have the responsibility to try to learn more about the people we closely deal with. We have to take time to know what would adversely affect their sensibilities and try our best to avoid these. I am thinking, if only all of us would bother to do so, this world would certainly be a better place for everyone. (And I can't help but think of this in the context of Mindanao)

Being a mother, I’m thinking of raising Baby being aware of these things very early on. I don’t want him to grow up passing judgment on others. Especially so, that he is growing up where he is – a melting pot of different cultures. It is difficult though. As it is, on the issue of gender sensitivity alone, it is already being tested everyday. He came home one day telling me, “Nanay, di ba okay lang sa boy ang pink? Di ba okay lang ang Dora?” Then he related how a classmate of his told him he is gay because he asked permission to play with her “pink” Dora toy. It’s a good thing he still comes to me to relate all these things. That way I could still reinforce the things I am trying to teach him. What then when he is out there and would be bombarded by views that are not entirely correct? What if he would stop coming home to me and ask my opinion?

It’s a good thing that right now, my son still looks up to me and believe what I tell him. I know there will come a time that he would be forming his own views of things. I could only pray that among these would be the grain of truths I wanted to impart to him. Oh, but life is beautiful. I know it’ll find ways to enrich my son’s own in ways I could only imagine for now.

All About Baby

2010-01-20T20:09:00.000-08:00

Baby came home yesterday bringing with him a small plant sowed on a clear, plastic cup. We were having lunch, me making the most of my time with him before I return to the training. His Tatay urged him to show me the different parts of the plants. Tatay related to me how Baby had been talking non-stop on their way home from school about the different parts of the plants.

Baby then turned to me and said, “Nanay roots ito,” pointing at the roots visible from the plastic cup. I nodded in response. Then Baby added, “These are the leaves,” this time pointing at the plant’s clump of leaves. Noticing that he missed out on the stems of the plant I asked, “What are these then?” Without missing a beat he answered, “Tingnan mo yung folder ko, Nay. Nandun kung ano tawag dyan,” making reference to their assignment folder which outlines the lessons they have every week. Hahaha!

These days, how Baby could communicate so well never fails to amaze me. There was one instance when I called home to ask Tatay something when it was Baby who answered. It turned out that somebody called me up at home and he very clearly told me, “Nanay, may tumawag sa ‘yo kanina dito. Sabi ko wala ka, nagwork. Tawag daw siya ulit.” It completely blew me away. I know it’s expected of three-year olds to be able to express themselves already. Still, hearing Baby communicate sans his usual, broken lines but still in his cute, baby voice could really tug at my heart. It must be a motherly-thing.

His logic is also faultless. One time I got irritated to find out the laundry is all over the floor and was urging him to help me put them all in the hamper. He readily helped me but while he was stuffing in the laundry he told me in his cute voice, “Nanay, sunod, sabihan mo si Tatay siya magpasok nito kasi siya man nagkalat nito, hindi ako.” Imagine that, coming from a four-year old.

He also has perfect taste (hehehe). I was tying my hair, getting ready for the Christmas Mass when Baby came inside the room and told me, “Wow! Nanay, ang cute mo.” He was looking at my dress. It was a new dress, bought with my “newly-acquired” pregnancy in mind. It had spaghetti straps and a very low neckline. To cover up, I put on a tube blouse underneath. The dress was really pretty, completely feminine and I was surprised at how he openly expressed his appreciation for it.

I was wearing the same dress last week but at that time donned on a short-sleeved tee-blouse underneath. I was tiptoeing inside the bedroom so as not to wake him up when I heard him say, “Nanay, sando lang isuot mo inside, ‘wag yan.” I nearly jumped but was really amused to hear him “advise” me on what to wear. ‘Seems like, I now have an in-house fashion consultant. And a four-year old at that.

Baby is indeed expressive and I find it truly refreshing. Last Sunday, we were settling down to sleep when he turned to me and said, “Nanay, masaya ako kanina sa binyag ni Baby Koi2x.” Eric’s youngest got baptized and the family spent lunch together at the reception. The venue’s ground was large, covered and with huts dotting the place. He and Janin had a field day running all over. When I asked him why he was happy, he replied that it’s because he was able to play with his Ate.

I am truly grateful for moments like these with Baby. I am grateful knowing how he’s turning out to be. I love the fact that Baby is open and expressive about his feelings. It is telling me that somehow, we did something right in rearing him up since he had no qualms about expressing anything to us. To me it means he feels confident enough to do so.

I am wondering how he is at school though. His teacher had told me he appeared shy and reserved. I guess it’s understandable really since he is not so used about being with other kids. He’s more used to hanging around adults. In fact he feels so much at home with my friends and showed every indication of how he considers himself very much part of the “barkada.” And yet I would very much want that to change. I want him to be confident around his peers as well. That is another reason why I’m grateful for this pregnancy since it’ll definitely be helpful to Baby to have another sibling.

Oh, and one last detail.. last night while lying in bed I told Baby how his Teacher Rose congratulated me for my pregnancy when his Tatay and I went to pick up his card for the 3rd grading. The smile he gave me was so huge, obviously happy at the news. He then sat up in bed and stoop to my bulging tummy. Making sure that his mouth is where my navel is (he believes this is where he should talk so his baby sibling could hear him), he whispered, “Baby, teacher ko yun siya, kaya huwag kang matakot sa kanya ha?” hehe Baby’s really so sweet and smart. I’m so grateful I have him.

We are One

2009-07-29T20:11:00.003-08:00

“Mao ning panghitabo karon, ang mang-uuma wala na’y gikaon”*

I sat in the middle of the “peacetival” listening to a group of community peace advocates sing about the current plight of the farmers and I felt tears at the back of my lids threatening to fall at any moment. I can’t help but note the irony of it all. The very ones who toil so hard so that we could enjoy having food on our table have nothing to eat themselves.

Here we are, complaining sometimes at the increase of the prices of commodities. We complain about the hard times but we fail to think about the plight of the common farmers out there who had to toil so hard and yet hardly had food for themselves or their families.

I remember this one particular experience… Tatay and I were climbing Mt. Apo with a group of our friends. We had been walking all morning and it was already lunch time. We were famished, it had been a long walk and the sun was scorching. We were at the boulder part of the Kapatagan trail, close to the sulphur vents. The peak is in sight, but from experience, we knew it will still take us another three to four hours to reach it. Meaning, we would still have the whole afternoon of trekking ahead of us.

Wanting some rest and food, we settled on a spot close to a big boulder that is providing us some shade. There were six of us there as some were still on their way up to where we were. As we settled down to eat, I had to reproach Tatay for not praying. Holding up a piece of string bean (as vegetarians, that is what we had for lunch, adobong sitaw compared to our friends’ adobong manok hehehe) – I pointed out to him that it took some backbreaking days for some farmer before it found its way to our lunchboxes. It was all said in banter and we were all laughing at that time but I was dead serious about it. And so we prayed. We expressed our gratitude for every individual responsible for the food finding its way to us. We prayed that the energy from all of those individual acts would nourish not just our body but our spirit as well.

It would seem pretty “stuck up” I know, but how often do most of us take a lot of things for granted? We turn our blind eye on the little details just because we wanted to remain “cool,” “less-nerdy” and detached. But if there is one thing I learned, it’s that in the “circle of life,” there is no such thing as “detached.” We all belong to the same circle, we are one.

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*That is what is happening these days, farmers have nothing to eat...

Bread and Cheese (On Motherhood As Well)

2009-07-10T09:16:00.001-08:00

“Di ako kain kanina Nay, nagcolor lang ako.”

When I heard this, I immediately hugged Baby out of pity. I felt so much for him. I figured (knowing full well his impatience when it comes to coloring) that he probably did not finish a coloring activity and thus was asked to finish it before given snacks. And by the time he had finished with the coloring (if he had), it was probably time to go already.

They are given free snacks in school. It is such a relief since it spares me the everyday task of thinking of suitable snacks for him, not to mention additional cost. And it is usually part of our everyday, “How-was-school-conversation” – what they had for snacks.

While I told him he ought to learn his lesson and finish his coloring so that he could eat along with his other classmates, my heart was actually breaking. Especially so when I learned he was the only one who was not able to eat. My heart broke again when he answered, “Bread and cheese” to my inquiry as to what his classmates had.

I knew he ought to learn his lesson about completing his tasks and yet, I feel somewhat bothered that he was made to feel left-out. That and the fact that he probably felt hungry by that time already.

It breaks my heart to picture him totally left out. It would have been better if he had another classmate with him… Arghh… Baby has really started with his journey. While I may want it differently, it is impossible for me to be with him every single second of the journey. I could only hold his hand at certain times. At this moment, it meant for the most part. But somewhere down the line, he would be all grown up and would be on his own… While I could insist to be always in the picture, I know I wouldn’t really dream of doing so. It is why I am adamant about “training” him, teaching him independence, giving him every opportunity to make use of his initiative… It is because I am preparing him well for the time when he would want to venture on his own… Now, why is my heart breaking at the thought?

If I could have my way, I would always want to be a part of his life. I would want to be a part of every milestone he may take. Not that I want to be in control of everything but that I would very much want him to ‘invite” me to be a part of it all… to share “almost” everything with me. If only as a confidant, a sounding board, a consultant, a friend… a person whose opinion he values the most…

I am now forced to look into my own relationship with my Mom. Do I invite her to be a part of my life? Or do I go my own way, insist on living my life my own way? Mama and I always have such phenomenal disagreements. And time and again it is always due to how she could be overly critical of everything. That and the tendency to just dwell on the negative, on the shortcomings and the worries. I love her very dearly and understand her most of the time but it had also been a constant wish that she sees past the negative… Mama is not quick with the praising. Sad, but I could not recall a single compliment coming from her. I would like to stress that all this is written in an “observing” manner. There is no censure or any bitterness for my part because certainly, while “very good! Well done!” might not be a part of her vocabulary, she is one of the most selfless person I have ever known. She always overextends herself… she would do everything she could for the persons that she loves… There is no tirelessness in her. Her demeanor when it comes to her family is always that of servitude. And for that I am and will forever be grateful.

I am just made to reflect on the being “overly-critical” part because it is the primary reason why I always hesitate to share with her my innermost thoughts or take steps at making her one of my confidants. It’s because I fear being criticized again or be misunderstood and be reprimanded instead of being encouraged… I wouldn’t want to have that with my son. I want him to see me as someone he could totally trust with anything. I want him to feel that he could be very raw with me, be at his worst and know full well that I love him no matter what. I know that this love I feel for my son is the same love that Mama feels for me though I may see it differently at times.

It takes reflecting on the matter to put everything in the right perspective. As always, writing and reflecting makes me understand things the more, and enables me to look at every situation objectively. Now, an earlier disagreement with Mama is slowly being devoid of its “sting.” I understand her more fully now. And I value her more fully now that I am a mother myself. Her being who she is – both the good and the “not-so-good” traits – is teaching me a great deal about being a mother. It is guiding me as to what I should aim to be, hope to be and work out to become…

Here’s a toast to all the mothers in the world. I know that while none of us may be perfect, nothing could ever compare to the kind of love we feel for our offspring. I think it’s a sliver of God’s love personified…

Organizational Skills

2009-07-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

Baby is such a naughty three year old. It concerns me at times, observing how he derives so much amusement at making fun of people. By “people” I meant his lola’s, his cousins, his Tatay and myself. His laughter (which is so amusing in itself) would fill the house after he’d pull a prank at any of us. At times like this, I would tell myself how it all seemed so cute now, hearing his laughter, watching his face fully lit up by mirth because he’s still a three-year-old kid and looks totally adorable. How about when he is much older? Would I find it amusing by then?

And yet, on the other hand, there is also no denying how Baby is also displaying everyday how he is a responsible, dependable person. At his age, he is able to dress himself up everyday for school. He puts on his socks, shoes… insists on putting on his sando and buttoning up his polo. When he arrives home from school or from outside, he knows where to put his shoes or sandals, and where to look for a change of clothes. Also, I think one of the first words he ever uttered was “LAUNDRY” hahaha! After changing out of his clothes, he goes straight to the hamper with them. There were times when he gets distracted by play and would just drop everything but these cases are more of a rarity than the usual.

There was this incident one time wherein I was picking up after him in the car. He sometimes has this habit of spreading his toys in the backseat and play while we are mobile. At that time we were nearing our stop and I was in a hurry to get moving. He was coloring then and I immediately scooped up the box and placed it inside his backpack. He was probably watching me intently, noticing how I did not insist on his picking after himself. He scolded me – imagine that – and pointed out how the crayons should be placed at the outside pocket of his pack and not inside. He said that his extra clothes are there and might be soiled by the crayons. I felt sheepish and resolved not to let my work or appointments distract me least I would not be able to set a good example again.

The other day, he asked for some pretzels after spending half an hour at a kid’s playroom. I was hungry myself so I relented. Again, I was on my way to another appointment. I was distracted, my mind already getting ahead of me. I stopped short when he called after me and said, “Alcohol please Nanay, kain na ako.” (I want to eat already)

Earlier tonight as well, I was cleaning up the shoe rack and he was right beside me, excited with rediscovering his old slippers and shoes. When I noticed Tatay’s carelessly discarded used socks, I groaned out loud but did not say anything. I just continued with the cleaning. We found his old pair of Crocs and were in a “negotiation” mode as to whether or not we give them away to any of his cousins. Knowing him, he had attachments to his things. He is always loathe to part with them. I had to reason with him patiently why they would be put to good use when given away than just wasting away. At these moments, I am also somewhat reluctant to insist about giving them away. I feel that I also ought to honor his feelings. When he is really adamant about holding on to a thing, I would always let him have his way and yet firmly pointing out to him that he would have to part with it when he is already ready to let it go.

I was already preparing him for bed when the “socks incident” surfaced again. I was surprised to learn (though by now, I should have known better) how he seemed to notice everything. He suddenly said – “May isabi ako sa ‘yo Nay” (I have something to tell you, Nay) He then stood up and leaned towards my ear and whispered, “Pagdating ni Tatay, pagalitan mo siya Nay, dahil sa socks niya.” (When Tatay arrives, you scold him Nanay for his socks.) He whispered it so softly that I had to have him repeat it to me. I was so amused by it. In response I asked him where Tatay should have placed his socks. And without missing a beat he replied, “Laundry!”

Again, these incidents have me feel so blessed to have Baby as my son. He does have his moments. He could be super hyper, being all-over the place and leaving me quite breathless and exhausted. He could also be quite a rebel too, insisting on not following the colors of his “Copy the Color workbooks.” Even when the page would scream “red” for the apple, he would insist about coloring it violet or whatever color he may fancy. Also he would give me the opposites of the answers to the question I would ask him, demonstrating to me quite clearly his intelligence. Like when we had discussed siblings and how a girl sibling is called a “sister” and ‘brother” is its opposite. When I asked him about it afterwards, he would insist that he is a “sister” to his “brother” Ate Janin, the whole time smiling mischievously.

Earlier also, when we encountered the word, “germs” in our reading and I asked him about it, he naughtily replied it meant, “malinis” (something clean) knowing full well it is the other way around. At moments like this, I am always torn between being amused and indignant. I know he is testing his limits with me, pushing further his boundaries.

Once again I feel blessed to have Baby. I could not thank God well enough…

Birthday Blog 2009

2009-07-04T00:45:00.001-08:00

I was going through the motions of getting Baby to bed earlier and in response to my “goodnight,” he said, “Happy Birthday.” I had my back on him, fussing with the beddings. I turned to him, really surprised and well, so touched by the gesture. I think I had to blink twice just to make sure it is still my three year old son talking. The greeting was totally unexpected, coming from a three year old…

Yes, another birthday… another year… the journal I wrote last year is still very fresh to me. I was very emotional at that time, being 2 months pregnant (which a few days later resulted to my second miscarriage) and being utterly grateful for being on vacation with my family in Bora.

Now, a year later, there is no fancy vacation though I had totally intended to be in another island getaway again this year. But Baby is already in school and I have qualms about him missing school. Plus, we have incurred quite a lot of expenses this year owing to Baby’s attending pre-school. It had eaten quite a lot to our normally allotted vacation money hehehe But definitely, I am not regretting it one bit. And neither are we scrapping our annual vacation this year.

Ah yeah, priorities... being an adult and a parent sure has changed me in so many ways. Now, I have to reorder my priorities… while that wanderlust it still very much a part of who I am, and my passion about finding meaning in everything I do is still very much there, my energies are no longer just bent on these pursuits… These days, being a parent, a “guardian” to a three-year old living soul is foremost in my mind and it is influencing my every action and decision…

Sitting here now, noticing that the clock just announces that as of 35 minutes earlier, I had just turned a year older, I am wondering whether it was wise of me to have unwittingly allowed parenthood to “consume” me in such a way. Well, for sure, there are no regrets. Seeing how Baby is turning out to be these days is making me believe that while I may not be the best parent there is, I know I have done justice to the role that is given to me, in this stage of my life.

But, right now, I am also thinking how I need to detach myself a bit from such a role. While being a parent is certainly very important, that is not all there is to me. I should really allot some time for my own personal pursuits… to be with my God, to be with myself, be with my friends without tagging Baby along.

To just “be” -- sans all the attachments and everything that I identify myself with these past few years. Writing about it now, I am realizing how it’s been such a long time since I did that – to just “be.” Now I resolve to give more time to do just that…

As every birthday blog, I wouldn’t want to end this particular entry without ever making an acknowledgement to that Bigger Being who had made all these things possible… As always, I would like to express how completely grateful I am for the life He has given me. I thank Him most specially for all the wonderful “details” He had also thrown into it. I’ve written this before and I’ll write about it again and again – how He had woven such a wonderful tapestry that is my life. And I could not thank Him well enough.

Earlier this evening, sitting in the cinema with Baby in my arms, he suddenly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head gently on my shoulder. I felt contentment so profound that I did not want the moment to end. At that instant I realized that is probably how God wants it as well, for us to turn to Him and just lie contentedly in His arms. Now, marking another year in my life, another thing to be grateful once again, I yearn for the comfort of God’s hand. At the moment, I just want to lie down at His feet and surrender everything to Him – all my dreams, my desires, my disappointments, my shortcomings, my brokenness… I would like to give back to Him the life he had given me and once again “plan” with Him what to do with it…

Baby's First...

2009-06-09T19:10:00.005-08:00

Yesterday marked another milestone in Baby’s life. He attended formal school for the first time. Long before yesterday, we were already all excited about it. The first time we brought his uniforms home, there were endless fittings after that. When we bought his shoes, there were fittings again – all by Baby himself, who seemed to be more excited than we are.

We had a hard time coaxing him out of sleep. His time is at 8:00 in the morning. And of course we wanted to make it on time or even a bit early. I got a bit worried when he cried and cried and keep saying, “Gusto ko tulog, Nanay!” hehehe really cute of him. But eventually he quieted down especially when he noticed Janin all dressed up and ready for school. We had a hard time feeding him breakfast though since he just had his bottle.

Nonetheless, we arrived in Ateneo early. His classroom was still closed. So we spent some time waiting for the teacher to come. We went to the library to check if he could spend some time there but changed our mind. We were thinking we might have difficulty prying him away from there when it is already time. When we got back to his classroom, the teacher was already there, coaxing the “babies” inside. Well, they were still practically babies at 3 to 4 years old – teeny-weeny, little human beings :) Some were in there school uniforms such as Baby was while some were in their casual wear.

I felt proud and relieved when Baby entered the classroom without hesitation. His voice was barely audible though when he answered his teacher who asked his name. I felt that we were able to prepare him very well for the experience. There were some babies who refused to enter the classroom even if the parent volunteers to accompany them inside.

Baby appeared very shy, barely responding when the teacher asked them to raise hands, clap their hands, etc. He would mimic the actions but his hands would remain in his lap. For the first part, he had been like that. But he was able to follow instructions well. They were taught how to carry their chairs silently; get, prepare, and return their playmats; wash their hands; use the spoon properly; and string some beads. Yeah, all that in two and a half hours time. There were only 7 of them after all, as it was still their orientation period.

Their whole section was divided into groups for different orientation sessions over the period of one week. So for this week, Baby’s sked was only that of Monday.
Actually, based on the alphabetical order of their surname’s, Baby’s sked should have been Tuesday. But, since I have a training and be lodged in Eden, I asked the teacher to move his sked to Monday so I would be there. Luckily, we were accommodated.

Next week, they will have another two-day session. That, and another session on Friday that all pupils in their section will be present. A week thereafter – on June 22 – will be the start of their regular classes.

So anyway, I got a bit concerned noticing Baby’s “shyness.” But later on, his confidence seem to grow by the minute. Then come the feeding time. Level one pupils were given free snacks. I was amused when I noticed they were being served munchkins. Another good thing about it is that it is his favorite flavor, “butterchoco” or something. That chocolate flavored munchkin sprinkled with orangy “dust.” Anyway, they were first asked to form in line, to take turns washing their hands. They were taught how to do it properly. Then, they were asked to get their placemats and carry them to their place on the table. When all the kids were seated, the teacher then proceeded to give them their share of iced tea, and munchkins. Each was given plates on which their munchkins were placed. They were given one munchkin each.

The funny thing was, when the teacher asked who wants some more munchkin, Baby – earlier, very shy Baby – immediately raised his hand. Haha! And he did it quite enthusiastically, no trace of shyness whatsoever. It was Tatay and I, looking on, who felt a bit ashamed haha! We were both so amused by it. And then, Baby did it again for the second time. He consumed a total of three munchkins in all. Haha!

After that, Baby began to grow more comfortable with the other kids and the teacher. In fact, at one point, he so boldly took the puppet used by the teacher… It was very much a satisfying experience. I felt truly grateful that everything went on smoothly…

The night before, we had prayed as one family – Tatay, Baby and I. We acknowledged that Baby’s first day in school is such an important milestone in his life. We thanked God for it. At the same time, we fervently prayed that it be a start of a good experience for Baby, outside of the home. We prayed that he’d be safe, protected from bullies, learn to love learning, learn about life, gain lasting friendships, have the best “teachers” that would be instrumental in his growth as the best person that he could be…

Yeah, it is only pre-school but it marked the first step of Baby’s journey outside of the home. This time, he will not only be learning from me or from his Tatay. He will be learning about a lot of things, about relationships outside of the family… It is a very important event and we certainly need God’s guidance and blessings...

Baby’s first day in school.

2009-05-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

Well, officially, it is baby’s first day in school. Took him there today to talk the entrance examination. The usual, it is not without drama. Yesterday, coming from the snorkeling trip, I was hungry and too tired to do any thinking. Mama, whom we found at home suddenly announced she’s going to the downtown house. My mindset had been that we’d all be sleeping at the Empress home and just go downtown real early so mama would not be late for school. She had volunteered for enrolment to get some day credits which will surely come handy for out-of-the-blue family trips we might be taking sometime the middle of the year.

Anyway, since she was deadest about going home, we decided to just sleep at Mama Fely’s house as well. So with that, we had very little time to prepare. I just grabbed at some clothes I will be wearing for Baby’s big day in school the next day. What I forgot to grab was the plastic envelope wherein Baby’s entrance exam documents and some pictures are in.

So this afternoon, thirty minutes before our set appointment, I realized we had to drive all the way back to Empress just to get the documents. We also realized that mama had the key to the Empress house so we had to get it from her at school. It was such a mayhem. I’m pretty distracted these days with my mind occupied about beating deadlines. There are just far too many things too accomplish that I allowed myself to focus on just one report at a time. I refused to think about the other reports left to be accomplished. It’s the only way for me to keep my sanity. So naturally, I also neglected to think about some important domestic matters such as Baby’s documents.

Anyway. thankfully, I was still able to keep my cool – let Tatay go all the way to Empress while Baby and I just took the taxi to go to his school. Once there, I had to use my charm and negotiation skills to explain that the needed documents were not with me but is already on its way to me. Imagine that 

It was a disappointment to find out Baby will be taking the exam and interview without me. Well, it makes so much sense. Still, I had been looking forward to seeing how he’d deal with the situation. Haaay. And it’s doubly disappointing since until now, Baby does not show any sign of wanting to share with me what took place while he was taking the exam. I’ve asked him about it ever since he had stepped out of the examination room. Other than bits and pieces that he volunteered, I have no idea what happened. Well, knowing Baby I’d know he’d be telling us all about it in bits and pieces – on moments when he would be remembering any of it.

Funny, was it not only yesterday that I had to feel so at awed to see such a dependent, helpless, little baby in my arms? Now, Baby is shaping up right before my very eyes. His personality is becoming more apparent everyday. He’s becoming more expressive, more creative and more independent. I know being in school will transform him even more. I’m holding my breath, cant wait to witness his own unfolding…

Parenting Style

2009-05-05T03:40:00.000-08:00

Baby was sick while I was preparing to go for another training. I was loathe to go. I did not want to drive home the point to Baby that my work is more important to me. One thing difficult about this job that I have is that schedules are set way, way beforehand and there is no such thing as taking a “sick leave” or an “emergency leave.” Commitments are commitments no matter if something else came up.

To compromise, I gave up a free ride to the venue of the training to spend another night with Baby. Good thing the organizers agreed that I would just report on the day of the training itself. I knew they would have wanted me to come earlier since there are still a lot of things that needed straightening out. So while I tended to Baby, I prepared him as best as I could to my impending absence for the next two days. I told him I wanted to be with him as he is sick but I had made prior commitments. I told him, I would rather be with him instead and that I would be constantly worrying about him where I am.

I made a deal with him. I told him, I needed him to take care of himself while I’m away. I told him he had to get better since he would have to fetch me where I’d be. I told him I would be staying at a resort and that on the day that they would fetch me, there would be a bird show he would be watching. I also told him we will be going to the eagle center which is just nearby, where we be seeing a real eagle first hand, for the first time. I told him I want him to have that experience and that I want to share it with him and so he really would have to get better.

The toughest part about it was that I also got sick while I was in training. While we were working sleepless over some of the training requirements, I was fighting down the beginnings of a bad case of flu as well. I shrugged it off, thinking only of Sunday when Baby would come and experience a bird show for the first time. Quite weird it might be, but it was what kept me going for the next two full-24- hours working.

Then Sunday came. I got a text from Tatay that Mama objected to Baby’s coming over as he is not quite well yet. I knew it made so much sense but I certainly felt as if a plug was pulled from under me. My intention was to have the olds come as well so they could enjoy the experience and the eagle trip. It had been a while since we had some kind of family outing. So when I got that text from Tatay, my immediate reaction was that it was Mama again and her tendency to object on just about anything. Hehehe that was fever and stress talking I guess. That, and being frustrated at having all my plans gone askew.

After a while, I began to see Mama’s intentions. Baby, probably is not feeling well yet. After all, the resort I’m at is quite a drive from downtown. To catch the bird show at 10:00 AM, they would have to leave the house at 8:30 in the morning. Well, that is how slow Tatay drives when he has family (esp. Baby) on board. It’s at a rate of the average time it takes to get there plus another 30 minutes or so, depending on the distance. Him driving friends or clients to adventure destinations, is a different thing altogether.

Anyway, so while I was downright drowning in my flu and my disappointment, I asked Tatay how well Baby is and that if he thinks he’s not well enough to make the whole trip then they would have to stay at home and I would have to catch a ride with the rest of the training team. Tatay’s response was that he would fetch me no matter what. I asked him to ask Baby how he feels about the whole thing. I told him to ask Baby if he’s feeling well enough for the trip to fetch me or that he would rather stay at home.

I was waiting for Tatay’s response when it dawned on me how today’s generation of parents (well, at least those I know personally) have really come a long way compared to our own parent’s parenting style. I mean, who would have thought of consulting a 3-year old on such matters? In the past, parents would normally just do things on the basis of their own judgments. There is no such thing as consulting the children no matter how old they are already. Well, generally that is. No one could blame them either since they also have learned that from the parents before them.

When Tatay texted me that they would have to push through with the trip since Baby is showing everyone he’s really trying hard to appear “not sick,” I was both overjoyed and concerned. I asked Tatay to bring pillows and do everything to make Baby really comfortable all the way. True enough, they arrived when I was just wrapping things up with the training. I was glad to see that the olds and my “niece-daughter” Janin came as well. The weekend was a blast. Baby and I were not feeling so well to fully appreciate everything but it is nice to hear him babble about the eagles and animals he saw back at the eagle center the past few days. It means the experience still made a mark on him. Lately he’d been so quick to tell everyone who cares to listen, that he was finally able to see a real eagle and not just the ones on the book or his DVDs. Also, what I particularly liked about that weekend is the “hito-stop” we made at the city’s “hito district” where rows of restaurants serving hito can be found. To save time, we ordered fried hito for take out and enjoyed it once we got home.

Back on parenting style, I could never claim to be the best parent there is. I certainly have my faults as well. I also have my own shortcomings that would have me cry silently in shame after an episode has passed. But this, I could certainly say, I try my best to be the best that I could be…

Amazing Three Year Old Logic

2009-04-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

Last night, Mama wanted to check on the Empress House since its been a while since either of us have slept there. As usual, she worried over her plants. I just came from a training and was famished so we had dinner first and had to take care of the things that we needed to take home with us. So it took a while before we were able to go.

Baby was already sleepy so we gave him his bottle which his Tatay had thoughtfully prepared beforehand. He was with his Lola at the back but asked to sit on my lap while he took to his bottle. After he was done, we got into a conversation. He was always vocal about wanting an "Innova" because as he claimed, it looks shiny, sleek, and for sure the air-conditioning would be perfect. We also got to talk about “Kongkong” (Hongkong). Seeing pictures earlier of Disneyland gave him the idea. After that, he proceeded to enumerate what he wants me to buy when I already have money. It was a long list that started with “Chukie,” Hany, watch a movie, etc...

After a while I told him when I’m already old, it would be him who would be giving me all those things. I told him he would be the one to buy me food, vitamins, medicine, give me vacation money, my own car… From snuggling comfortably in my arms he sat up suddenly, looked up to me and said, “Bakit? Anak ka?” (Why, are you my offspring?) Hahaha! Amazing logic. I was so taken aback by his reaction that I could not stop laughing for a long time. Really amazing logic, “anak” indeed!

Tired.

2009-04-16T01:58:00.003-08:00

Came in from two sleepless weeks of doing technical writing work. Had a workshop that is supposed to be till tomorrow but I have to cut it short and bring someone else in for a prior commitment made which will require my services starting tomorrow till Sunday...

Well, I am grateful for the blessings since work in a way is a blessing and I always have the option to turn them down... Oh well, I did but they still want me anyway, which is a privilege really....

Lenten Reflections

2009-04-05T05:10:00.001-08:00

I stood in Church, holding Baby in my arms as I listened to the priest’s sermon. I was called to attention when he invited everyone to be sensitive… to what we hear, see, and feel during the Mass. The priest had said that it is only in being sensitive to everything around would we know what God is trying to tell us in the whole celebration of the Holy Mass.

The gospel was about Jesus’ death and crucifixion and he reminded us that through the Mass we have started a week long celebration of God’s resurrection. There were three readers who read the gospel. One was the narrator of the story line, a deacon reads out Jesus’ lines while another reads out the parts of Pilate and that of the crowd of Jews who had clamored for Jesus’ crucifixion.

When the priest made a reference to Pilates role in that particular part of Jesus’ life I realized that every time we will not own to our own mistakes, or refuse to do something good for our own self-preservation, or turn a blind eye on the truth just because we lack the courage to uphold it, we are being Pilate who helped put Jesus on the cross.

Along with that I also realized that when we are envious of others, bitter about other people’s success and shot at glory just because our lives have remained miserable compare to theirs, we are like the Sadducees and the Chief Priest who have contrived and brought on Jesus’ fate simply because they are envious of Him.

I stood there, realizing that every time we “celebrate” Lent, the focus is always on two things. First, on Jesus’ ultimate, loving sacrifice of suffering through humiliation and dying on the cross for our salvation. Second, on His resurrection that is a reminder to all of us that there is life after death and that because of His sacrifice we too have a shot at eternity.

And yet, as I reflected about Pilate’s and the Sadducees actions, those who gave Jesus bitter wine to drink instead of water, those who raffled off His clothes rendering Him naked, of all those who were responsible and had participated in Jesus’ suffering then, I realized that we too ought to focus on them as well. We ought to examine closely their motives, their actions, how they were because it was them who had put Jesus on the cross.

By reflecting on their motives and actions we will be made aware about that part of human nature that is responsible for Christ’s suffering. It was envy, sloth, apathy, high regard for self-preservation among others that had brought on Christ’s suffering. So that every time we’d feel envious of others, have that malicious dislike of others for one reason or another, we could remind ourselves that these very feelings were what nailed Jesus’ on the cross.

Truly Jesus is great because by living amongst us He had showed us all aspects of human nature, how human nature can be so self-giving yet at the same time be so selfish; be so full of love and could also be so full of hatred and malice… By walking amongst us He had showed us what it means to be truly human through and through…

Prayer Hike

2009-04-03T23:46:00.002-08:00

The night before the prayer hike, I had a hard time falling asleep. I’m not sure if it was the coffee I made the mistake of drinking that afternoon (of which I’m not really used to drinking) or something else. I tossed and turn but to avail, sleep really proved elusive. I thought about what I would do just to while the time away. I decided to prepare for the prayer hike and pray. I opened the Bible and the search led me to the Book of Isaiah. As I let the words settle into my being, it dawned on me that this is probably what God wants C4C Davao to be – to go beyond the mere externals of the exercise of faith and to dwell more on what really matters – what is in our hearts.

As I continued to read, soft promptings also fill my head. It dawned on me that it is indeed so true, in our desire to really be of service to others, we devote so much time on the logistics that goes into it – the resources needed, where these resources should be sourced, what the “action plan” should be, who would be responsible for what… And yet, in the Book of Isiah God said, “What do I care for your endless sacrifices?...When you come before me and trample on my courts, who asked you to visit me?... When you stretch out your hands I will close my eyes; the more you pray, the more I refuse to listen, for your hands are bloody. Wash yourselves clean. Remove from my sight the evil of your deeds. Put an end to your wickedness…”

Reading the verse made me realize that God does not care so much on the externals or one’s going through the motion of serving others or of doing good. I think what the verse is telling me is that God is more concerned about knowing where He stands in my life; whether I am continuously and consciously working towards the cleansing of my heart and making sure that my actions are borne out of the purest of intentions.

The verse is clear about God not caring about our sacrifices, all forms of offerings if on the one hand, we continue to live a life that is unpleasing in His eyes. The word that keeps cropping to my head while I reflected on what I had just read is “introspection.” And it is telling me that this would have a lot to do with what we will be hoping to do for C4C Davao.

There would be climbing missions, that is for sure since that is what the organization is about. But along with that, there would be “basecamp sessions” as well, wherein we would try to examine where we are as an individual – where our relationship with our God is concerned; to constantly check our bearings – whether or not our “faith compass” is still pointing at the right direction. And to be really clear about our intentions for doing any activity we might decide to pursue for the organization.

I am remembering one of the things that Ace had shared with me in one of his emails – how we should always start with God, turn our eyes on Him first, since we could not give what we do not have. How then can we share Him to the other people up there if we don’t have Him in our lives to begin with?

Thinking along this line, I am brought to the fact that I still have a long, long way to go where that is concerned. “Cleansing” is a never-ending process especially in my case, who is still very much a work in progress. But who isn’t? I should not let this “minute” detail then get in the way of what we would be trying to do for C4C Davao.

The prayer hike went ahead as planned. What was not planned though was that there would only be Tatay, Rufino and I. But as Ace had said, we could not wait for having the right number of persons, the right time, the right situation before doing something. Otherwise, we would not be able to accomplish anything.

I was feeling a bit low as we started with the hike up the Shrine Hill at a little before 5 AM. Tatay had to go ahead to park the car at the Shrine of the Child Jesus where we will be ending the hike. Rufino and I were already half-way up when we met him going down on foot. He walked the rest of the way with us.

I can’t help but feel a wanting to have with us a few more people. There is certainly strength in numbers. But again, Ace is right. Jesus had said that if there will only be two people who would agree to ask about something, the Father in Heaven would hear them and grant that prayer.

I had prepared a long list of things to pray for. The main purpose of the hike was really trying to discern His plans for C4C Davao. I felt that God had partly answered that already the night before when he planted that restlessness in me and brought me to the first chapter of the book of Isaiah.

The chapter had ended with, “18 ‘Come,’ says the Lord, ‘let us reason together. Though your sins be like scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they be as crimson red, they will be white as wool…”

The words, “reason” and “ together” really struck me then and the image that came to mind is having that constant dialogue with God; to have that intimate connection with Him. I felt as if through C4C, God is extending an invitation… For us to have that constant “conversation” with Him, to “reason” with Him, to argue with Him, to deepen our relationship with Him.

I had always tried to seek God in everything that I do, in every experience I may have. (Although certainly, there are also days when I don’t really bother to try that hard.) I know C4C would give me the same opportunity to get to know Him more fully… I know it will be another avenue for the unfolding of my own truth as an individual…

With C4C Davao I know God is starting something different in my life, another chapter altogether… I couldn’t wait to begin yet another adventure with Him…

Saranggola

2009-03-24T01:27:00.002-08:00

Some time ago - at the stage when I dabbled on art and sketching - I had this complete series on "Kites" which I did in watercolors. They showed a father and a son in different acts of flying a kite together. They were special to me and I imagined them to be something that will form part of my future.

Yesterday, owing to how hot it was at home, Tatay, Bolets, Janin and I decided to spend the afternoon at the tree-lined, four-lane, driveway of the subdivision. There were some shady parts there owing to the acacia trees and it was cool and windy. It proved to be perfect for what Tatay had planned of doing that afternoon - fly kite with his son.

Using old calendar sheets, some masking tapes and walis ting-ting, he managed to make two kites. One for Bolets and another for our niece, Janin. Just watching Baby helping Tatay create the kites was enough to make feel grateful for the experience. It was his little comments in that cute, little voice of his that made the experience special -- "Di bale Ate, maya di na mainit" (Don't worry Ate, later, it won't be hot anymore) when his cousin complained about how hot it was out there. Watching them fly the kites together - father and son -- gave me twice the fulfillment.

When I made that complete watercolor series, I was dreaming about my future, about what I hope my marriage would be like. I was wishing for a dotting husband and father to my son. Now, that I'm right smack in the middle of family life, I'm finding out it is not as "quiet," dreamy and as perfect as what the paintings had been. There simply are just realities that one had to contend with. Still, I'm not giving up on the dreamy, quiet part... or the "magical" part for that matter...

Baby's New Antics

2009-03-21T22:24:00.004-08:00

Two weeks ago, I called home from a workshop to ask Tatay for something. It was Baby who answered the phone. After the usual greeting and exchange of "I love you's," I told him to give Tatay the phone and then in complete sentence, and without hesitation, he answered me, "Wala si Tatay dito." (Tatay is not here) I felt my heart expand. It was the first "straight" telephone conversation we have ever had. And I felt emotional realizing that Baby is really not a baby anymore. He really could communicate very well already. And it is becoming apparent everyday.

If before, I had to rely on mother's insticts and guess work to figure out what Baby is saying to me, now, there hardly is a need to. More often than not, Baby is straightforward in saying what he wants and in communicating his thoughts with me, with us. And I find that very endearing and refreshing.

And not only can he communicate well, he's logic is faultless as well.Just yesterday, we were having lunch over at the in-laws. Having finished first, I was served iced tea. Seeing it, he also asked for his share. I pointed out he could not have iced tea since he’s not yet through eating. When he got a bit noisy, refused to take another bite unless served iced tea, I got exasperated and told him he could have some but just a little. His rejoinder was quick. With a pout he told me – “Di konti! Marami! O, dami rice ko!” (Not just a little! Look, I have plenty of rice!) How do you argue with that?

We were on our way home after that lunch when we passed by where we usually take the turn for my former office. Good as he is with directions, he immediately recognized the corner and remarked: “Nanay’s work!” pointing at the corner. Then, holding out his fingers and counting them off he said, “Dami office ni Nanay!” (Nanay goes to a lot of offices!) This, in reference to the frequency of their taking me to hotels the past few weeks. Just this morning, dropping me off at this hotel, which had been and will be the venue of weekend workshops till next week, he readily took it for granted that this is my office as well.

There’s this one incident as well last week wherein I was admonishing him for something. I can no longer remember what exactly about. I could remember telling him about what he did was “Bawal!” (A no-no!) He appeared to have accepted my verdict and then grew quiet for some time. And then he said, “Sa ‘yo Nanay, di bawal?” (How about you, Nanay? It’s okay for you to do it?) Cute baby I have here. =)

“Office ni Nanay” (Mother’s Office)

2009-03-08T03:28:00.002-08:00

This morning, even though it was a weekend, I had a workshop to document. I was tired, coming from another grueling workshop for the past three days. I would have just wanted to linger in bed. But work is work and in truth, I’m actually excited to be a part of that particular project. It concerns the family and business – the former, being my foremost passion for the moment and the latter, something I’ve been contemplating about getting into more seriously, one of these days. When I have the time that is hehe It’s going to be an engagement, spread out for the next two months. It’s going to take away my weekends for that long but I am certainly looking forward to learning as much as I can from it.

So anyway while I was getting ready, Baby woke up and immediately looked for his Tatay. I told him Tatay is getting the car ready since he’s taking me to work. He immediately got teary-eyed and told me it’s okay for him if I work but that Tatay should stay at home with him. I told him Tatay would have to take me to work but would be right back. That was not good enough for him though. In the end, we had to take him along with us. There is nothing new about that. Being without a nanny for a long time now, we had to constantly tag him along wherever we go. If I had to go to the gym, Tatay had to go some other time since he had to watch over Baby and vice-versa.

So anyway, it did not dawn on me that Baby has been taking note of the places we’re going to and have certain associations for them. Until this morning. The workshop was at a downtown hotel which is a common venue for training and workshops. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve taken or fetched me from there. Just as we were about to turn the corner where the hotel was, Baby suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! There! Office ni Nanay! Yehey! Ayan na office ni Nanay.” (Oh! There it is, Mother’s office!) I was so surprised but at the same time, was also greatly amused. Office indeed! Hehe!

So true, even when I was still working full time or now that I’m doing free-lance work, my world revolves mostly in hotels and training venues. And Baby had grown up spending time in hotels as well especially when the training would be “live-in” and would run for several days. When he was a mere six-month old baby, I had dragged him all the way to Legazpi because I had to be there for five days and I was breastfeeding him. A few months after that, I had to drag him again to Cebu and then Baguio.

It’s just funny how Baby readily associates the hotels as my office. He’d been to my previous office several times and yes, he would readily exclaim as we would drive towards it that there is Nanay’s office. It’s really funny how he thought of the hotels as my office as well just because I’d tell him I’m off to work every time they take me there.

The whole experience drove home the point to me that Baby is really at the stage now that he is taking everything in and associating situations and events with different things. He is really at such a vulnerable age wherein he is starting to define things based on his own experiences from it. Like love. Everything that he is experiencing with us as parents would be something he’d associate with love and how relationships should be. And that whole thing has a lot of bearing on his self-confidence, how he regards himself, and us as his parents. Imagine that. The realization is humbling and puts a lot of pressure on me. I am not perfect and I am afraid I have committed things and may still do things that could harm Baby for the rest of his life.

In one of the sessions this morning, the resource person gave emphasis on the point that a family is a very powerful force that can help build the individual and at the same time, could also be responsible for hampering his/her growth. And I think that “powerful force” is something that is completely in the parents’ hands. Well, at least when the children are still small. How that power is yielded depends solely on them and how they in turn were brought up as kids.

I look at Tatay and his dysfunctional family and I am very much worried indeed. And of course, there is also my own imperfection. But no, I refuse to dwell much on that. That is out of my hands already. It’s been done and there is nothing I can do about it now. However, Baby’s present and future is something that is now my sole responsibility. Definitely, there is something I can do about THAT. And of course there is God, who is the source of all my strength. I may be weak by I am comforted with the thought that He too has a plan where the life of son is concerned. I am not alone in this.

These days, realizing my role as a parent, I find plenty of reasons to be on my knees just to implore Him to make things right for my son and to protect Baby from my own mistakes and distorted take on some things. He had never failed me where providing for our financial needs is concerned. I am counting on the belief that He also would not fail to guide Tatay and I to make the right decisions for our son and to bring him up in the way that he should go. For that particular prayer alone, I put my whole heart and being into it. It is that important to me.

There’s this particular song I particularly liked because it serves as a prayer to me where being a parent is concerned. I have already posted it here but I'll post it again here soon.

Repost...

2009-03-02T17:25:00.002-08:00

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress
still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore.
True, I may still be very much a work in progress
but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well.

My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.
I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep
not out of shame but out of knowing
that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth
and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet
but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Reading past entries a while back when I came across the above entry. It was on my birthday blog last year and I am immediately humbled. Because, another birthday is just around the corner and yet here I am, still "working on" having a conscious effort at "working for" my own unfolding. And I'm quite ashamed at the thought that just last weekend, I stumbled big time where that is concerned... I'm reposting the above entry to remind myself... Because, I have certainly forgotten...

"Climbing" into Place

2009-02-20T19:17:00.004-08:00

Last night I attended a meeting with "Climbing for Christ" (C4C) and I came home feeling as if everything is finally starting to fall into place. The desire to serve communities “up there” is a calling that I had felt even before I stepped out of college. It is the reason that got me into mountaineering. Five years into it and I am still wanting where the “serving” experience is concerned.

The act of finding myself was there – as I wrestled with my own limitations as I try to go beyond myself in order to conquer the mountains I’ve visited. I grew physically, overcoming my own weaknesses as every mountain experience taught me what my limitations are and how it is possible to go beyond them. Spiritually, I grew too. Communing with nature, conquering oneself and not just the mountain, drove home the point of how there is a Being far bigger than I am. The appreciation I have for the wonders of nature is nothing compared to the appreciation and awe I feel for the Creator of these wonders.

There was, however, very little opportunity for serving. Those trips I took were mostly for the adventure of it. In my travels though I’ve met some locals who, by their stories and by simply seeing how they live, touched me in so many ways. I would like to believe that I am also able to touch their lives somewhat by the stories that I also share with them.

Last night, when Ace showed us a video of one of their ministries, Tatay whispered, “Ito na yung inaantay mo ‘Nay.” (This is what you’ve been waiting for ‘Nay). It wasn’t a question. It was an acknowledgment. In that little phrase, Tatay said in words what I was also telling myself silently. What was shown in the video was the very experience I’ve been wanting and envisioning for myself (and very recently for my husband and son as well). It is an experience I very much want to be a part of and I felt a mixture of well-being and trepidation as it dawns to me that I am finally given a shot at it. Here is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. And God knows how long I’ve waited. The trepidation I felt was at the thought of the responsibility it also entails. Ah, I catch myself. Fear is borne out of my lack of self-confidence or more appropriately, by my own "self-centeredness." Once again, I am forgetting that this whole thing is not about me. It is never about me but God’s business. And looking at it that way, I know there is nothing to fear really…

Ace and Doc Cecil said something last night about how God sometimes uses our talents, our experiences for a greater purpose later on. I felt as if all those years of waiting, of being involved solely in mountaineering was to prepare me for this greater experience I am about to embark on.

For the longest time too I’ve been praying for Tatay to have that relationship with Him. Oh, he is a believer. He attends Sunday Masses with me and twice accompanied me to community worship. Sometimes even, he prayed the longest than I. But the relationship is not there. It’s as if he revels in the “communion” when he is there but forgets about it as soon as he had stepped out of the church. I longed for him to get to know Him in the way that I do, for Tatay to acknowledge Him in every aspect of his life. And then last night happened.

I am amused at how God saw to answering this particular prayer of mine. Or more aplty, as to how He would court Tatay into having a relationship with Him. I had prayed that He would find a way to Tatay’s heart, to instill in Tatay the desire to get to know Him more. And He had. What could be more fitting than revealing Himself to Tatay in the one thing he is so passionate about – climbing. Looking back, in Tatay’s own confused spiritual path – how he had gone from one religion to the next and then back again – I feel that, that too was just preparing him for this experience now.

This morning I woke up to Tatay snuggling close to me and telling me how he loves me very much. I know it was his way of thanking me for bringing him along last night and for the invitation I extended. Now I know why we had to stay together despite all that we’ve been through. Because He had a plan for this union. As Ace related to us his own teen-age marriage and how the first three years had been a struggle, I felt as if he had also been telling our story. He also related how everything had changed when they invited a third person into their marriage – Him. I had prayed for that to happen in our case but it had been difficult.

Now, I feel as if everything is falling into place and how all the things in the past were really just a preparation for all of this now… I pray that God will continue the work He had started in us last night.

Baby's Initiation to the Community

2009-02-05T22:16:00.002-08:00

Just finished working on some PowerPoint presentations. It was the very first thing I did after waking up. It had to be rushed after all, owing to a 10:00 AM meeting I had that wherein I will be needing them. I wanted to do them last night but Baby had needed my attention and slept real late. By the time I managed to have him sleep, I was too sleepy to do the work and so I decided to just sleep and wake up early. And I did.

I was half-way through the task when I felt the need to look for my collection of gospel music and to listen to them while working. While doing so, I immediately remembered what happened last night.

Tatay, Baby and I attended a Charismatic mass. We had intended to attend the Saturday anticipated Mass but Tatay had other plans. So, we decided to attend an early morning Mass instead. But then, we woke up late. Then, just when we were getting ready to attend the afternoon Mass, I got a text message from Jeni urging me to go to the gym.

While I was having some misgivings at the thought of keeping on delaying hearing Mass, I finally understood in the end why it had to be so. We were on our way to the gym when I noticed a sign announcing the conduct of a CLSS that particular weekend. It meant that its last day will be capped by a Charismatic Mass at 6:00 PM. I got excited at the prospect. Aside from the fact that I really want to be a part of it again, I am excited to introduce Baby to the community’s way of worship. I was so looking forward to seeing him sing and dance to the worship songs.

And God did not fail me. I felt my heart expand when I saw Baby raised his hand, danced and mimicked what the rest of us were doing at the end of the Mass. He danced and sang along with the rest of us. It was a glorious moment for me…

Whew!

2009-01-30T19:50:00.001-08:00

It's almost 2 am and here I am trying so hard to keep myself awake. I slept real late last night because I made a mistake of browsing on the first few pages of '100 Years of Solitude' that was a Christmas gift from a dear friend.

I knew I had an early call the next day -- this morning. And that I would be documenting an FGD nonetheless that would require my utmost attention. But nah, I thought the book wasn't that good and would be easy to put down. But there I was at 2 am, having to force myself to let go of the book and sleep.

Since it was the first time I will be working with the organizers of the activity, I was eager to make a good impression. That, and the fact that I promise myself to be as prompt as I could with everything else, finally noticing how procastinating for just one day would result in nothing but having my work load pile up -- something very hazardous to my health and my peace of mind :p

So there I was, in my panic, and probably still feeling very sleepy, I got confused with the time and ended up an hour early for the activity. Well, for me, that's indeed a record breaker hehehe

Anyway, it was an important activity that required me to have the outputs sent out also this evening. so while I was looking forward to going to bed real early, here I am, forced to work through half-open lids just to finish the outputs and try to make sense of them at the same time without dozing my head off.

To make things worse, just as when I was emailing the report, there goes the net, playing tricks on me. It took me ages till I was finally able to attach the report to the email. I had to repeatedly disconnect and reconnect to the net bah!

Anyway, time to sleep for me. The book still beckons, after all hehehe

Kung Hei Fat Choy

2009-01-24T06:55:00.006-08:00

I just came in from an evening out with the girlfriends (Jeni, Kendi and Rochelle). Got intrigued ever since I heard from the local news that the city is closing out the main street of China Town in celebration of the Chinese New Year. The news said that the main street would be transformed into a night market of sorts. Imagine that :) And so, we checked it out :)

It was fun. There were street wares everywhere from ukay2x to kwek2x stalls. Of course there were also stalls selling Tikoy and all sorts of lucky charms. Even the electronic stores were open.

At one point, we came across old classmates from college. It was fun seeing them as well. Ironically though, we capped the night by having some fries at McDonalds hehehe Some Chinese Newy Year we're having. Actually, in our search for food, we came across this tiny Chinese Restaurant. It was really, traditionally Chinese, the kind you would find in an out of the way street in Hong Kong.

Upon entering the restaurant, you could see pile upon pile of tikoy boxes or some other boxes with Chinese Characters on them. Just like any typical Chinese resto, the kitchen is open, with a large glass window at one side allowing street passers a peek at what is going on inside.

I readily noticed the stack of meat and some innards placed on steel colanders on top of the kitchen counter. I immediately wondered if there is something we could eat in the resto. Jeni and I are vegetarians after all.

I noticed that there are just two tables on the ground floor and one has some ingredients of sorts on it. The waiter pointed us to the second floor and told us there are more tables upstairs. The steps were narrow and Candy jokingly asked if it would be able to hold her weight. I took one step, noticed how it groaned under my weight, and wondered myself. It was made of steel though, so I was confident it would hold up.

On our way up, I felt queasy noticing that next to the stairs are some pipes protruding from the wall. They were large enough to tell me they are not water pipes. There were around 4 tables on the second floor. Two were held jointly and were occupied by a group of men. One table, by a Chinese family. It took a while before the lone waitress managed to come to us and get our orders. It was nice being able to finally sit though. It was only after we've seated that I noticed how tired I was. We had probably walked and stood for two hours on the street, checking out wares that held our fancy. Anyway, while the waitress pointed out they had some egg soup sans the meat, I voiced out my concern that I am not quite comfortable where we are. As soon as I said those words, Jeni and the rest stood up also. So that is how we've ended up with McDonalds hehehe

On my way home, I noticed our car parked at the Shop so I got down and had Tatay take me home. I was not comfortable at the thought of going home alone. Come to think of it, I haven't done that in what... two years?! Hmmm... Anyway, I have just finished reading my supposedly horoscope for the year of the Ox. It turned out it's not a lucky year for me or of any of those born under the year of the Rabbit. Well, I wouldn't dwell much on that. I'll really just try to be good this year, continue being optimistic and I know everything will be alright. My God, after all, is a lot bigger than all sorts of horroscope ;) Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm wishing everyone a really, good, prosperous year of the Ox ;)

All About Marriage

2009-01-22T09:20:00.002-08:00

Pre-script: This was an entry written last July but was not published until now owing to the fact that it was unfinished then and got stuck with the hard disk of my former laptop that conked out on me some time ago. The laptop was in the shop for several months with the assurance from the technician that it is going to be fixed. But after several months of waiting, I got it back, unrepaired haaay :) Good thing I was able to access the files from the hard disk so here goes...

Bee and I have recently celebrated our third year anniversary. That was part of the reason for the Roxas-Boracay Trip – to celebrate my birthday, treat Mama and the olds and well, to celebrate our third year anniversary. Soon after that however, I had the miscarriage. In fact, we learned about the miscarriage right on the day we are celebrating our anniversary. And then, amidst all of that we again had one of those trying episodes in our marriage. Anyway, to cut the long story short, let’s just say he and I are again in the process of working on our marriage. Once again, we are giving it another try and looking at ways on how to make it work this time.

First and the most simple of these things, we did away with his moniker – “Bolo.” Undeniably, the name has a very violent connotation. While it may be true that whenever we call him that, there never really was any conscious desire in our part to influence him to become violent, it is also undeniable that words have certain energies. And while these connotations and energies do not manifest themselves physically, they stick to the unconscious, embed themselves in our subconscious and influence us in ways we are not totally aware of.

It takes several practices though. Until now, I still make the mistake and call him “Bolo.” His friends call him that and while he had told a few not to call him by that name, the name had stuck somewhat. But I am not focusing on that. I am appreciating the fact that we are now making progress where that is concerned. There are now a few persons close to us that really make the effort to dispel with the moniker.

Second, I tried to really make the conscious effort to step out of the situation whenever I sense he and I are getting into one of our arguments again. If before my tendency is to fight back and argue back, now I learned not to play along with his drama. I finally recognized those episodes for what they are. They are not about me. They are about Bee and his ghosts coming to haunt him. It’s him as a little child retaliating at the helplessness he finds himself in. If before I see it as an attack against me and thus feel the need to argue back and to set things right, now I see the situation for what it really is. And so, I made the conscious effort to really remove myself “emotionally” from the situation and to try to view it as objectively as I could.

The “operating premise” is – “At this given situation, here is a person that I love, getting caught up in a situation that is beyond himself, trying to battle past insecurities and hurts that had come to haunt him while being confronted by a “so-now” issue that had nothing to do entirely with that past.” Isn’t that always the case? Often our reactions to situations are often “twinned” with echoes from past hurts?

In Bee’s case, his issues had always concerned the family because of the unique household set-up that he grew up with. And so our very situation – as a married couple and as a family – is really the perfect arena wherein his angst and issues are being tested and brought to the surface. No wonder we always fight. Because, being in a household set-up, Bee is being brought back to his own angst. The situations and the issues we face everyday as a married couple and as a family might be reminiscent of “scenes from the past” that had provided him with so much hurt.

Other than that, given his family background, Bee is in no way equipped to deal with familial concerns. Theirs were a “dysfunctional” family, their set up was loose. And here he is, confronted with a wife who came from an entirely opposite experience who have her own set of expectations as to how a family should be. No wonder how even very early on, our marriage is beset with too much conflict. Partly because, it also took me a long time to realize all these things.

Marriage really is that – a union of individuals with different background, different set of experiences, different agenda and different expectations as to how a family should be.

Marriage then is more than just a union of two individuals but a union of ideals, of expectations, of habits, of conditioning, of notions about certain things… And so the “adjustment period” that every one refers to as the7-year inch (I would like to know who coined the term) is really the fine tuning of all of these things. Imagine that!

Holding the above premise close to my heart at all times is a reminder that Bee and I decided to get married because we felt this undeniable bond and connection. There simply is the love. It is unmistakable and undeniable. And this is glaringly clear every time we try to explore the possibility of living apart from each other. It is the same connection that brings us back together every time we would decide to just end everything and walk away. And so if such is the case, then he and I decided to try our best to make this “being together” really work and be a pleasant experience for both of us. Because, it is simply unacceptable that we are together because one of us carries the burden of trying to make things work. Why should it be just the burden of only one? Because one is more intelligent than the other? One is more insightful and so would only have to understand the shortcomings of the other? Hell no! :)

As “sweethearts” Bee and I have always treated our relationship as that of a team. At that time we had always been teammates – team mates during kayaking contests, teammates in adventure races and teammates in trying to make our relationship work. We were a team when we were seeing to the nitty-gritty details of our wedding. We took Lamaze classes because we decided that bringing Baby into this world should be a team effort.

Somewhere along the way we lost that. We lost that sense of “teamness.” We got so caught up with trying to adjust to each other living together, and trying to make things work. We lost sight of the values that used to cement our bond with each other. We got so caught up in our conflicts, in our hurts, in our disappointments, that we lost sight of the things that we have found “attractive” in each other before.

And that is something we are trying to bring back together – to focus on what is good in each other and to highlight that instead. Bolo is such a beautiful person really. Amidst all his scars he is a beautiful person inside. And I see that every time he and I would talk about the things we should do for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of Baby. Bee is a paradox really – wanting/ desiring some sense of permanence (something he never had while growing up) while at the same time resisting it because he is so used to having such a loose set-up while growing up. He is pulled from two opposite directions – (1) torn between wanting to recreate our family into something he had always wanted for himself; and (2) the pulls of the notions, definitions of “family” he grew up with.

I was about to write that we are very much still at an uphill but I refuse to treat our situation as such. It’s quite a challenge alright. Right now, I’m thinking, some kind of drama I chose for myself in this lifetime but for all I knew, this must have just been another chapter to a journey that was started several lifetimes ago…

I’m thinking, marriage is giving me several materials to write about. Reading my past entries on it and on our relationship sometimes amazes me with the amount of insight I am getting and at the same time, managing to pen down. Well, being in this drama has another fringe benefit after all -- besides molding my character and moving me towards the unfolding of my own truth. It is giving my brain some muscle exercise and turning me into a better writer hehe.

Remembering...

2009-01-21T17:05:00.001-08:00

I remember this particular incident during my latest trip to Iloilo which I certainly found very funny and ironic. I have this tendency to treat life as one journey, littered now and then with funny and amusing incidents -- thrown to me by the fates or by my light-hearted, full of sense of humor, Father God. So what could be a sense of frustration by some people would be something really amusing for me. Oh I do have my moments, as well, where I get disappointed, frustrated and hurt. I am only human after all.

But having this healthy, light-hearted disposition in life is something that I hold close to my being, because, I feel closer to my God this way. Somehow having this demeanor only strengthens my faith and my belief that – (a) I have a relationship with my Father God; (b) that He is alive in me and working wonders in my life; (c) that He knows every minute detail of my soul, desires and wants; and (d) that by being so, every now and then he teases me with “magical,” amusing experiences, knowing full well I would see Him in them.

I am remembering all of these because I am currently plugged in to my head phones while working on a report. And a while back, a song that is a favorite from the past came full blast along with a memory of that Iloilo trip.

We had arrived very early in Iloilo City having caught the 6:30 am flight. We did not have breakfast yet but we headed straight to the bus terminal, hoping to catch the earliest bus leaving for Roxas City. I was intent about making a lead time. We still have a long trip ahead of us, after all. We intend to sleep at Boracay on that very same day.

Yeah, some kind of a travel companion I am, trying to squeeze in as many things as I could for every travel I took hehe Well, I just want to maximize time and resources -- seizing every moment. Besides, I also make sure that the quality of travel does not suffer thus the incredible amount of research I put into planning an entire travel IT hehe Sometimes I wonder if I should add this to my CV as one of my core competencies hehe Hmm.. maybe I should :)

Anyway, the very second my rear end connected to the seat of the bus, a very familiar music came blaring through the speakers of the bus – Christopher Cross’ “Swept Away.” I almost laughed out loud but stopped myself lest the others might begin to question my sanity hehe I was really so amused. I just shook my head and muttered, “God, really…” Well, it’s a theme song of sorts for a “used-to-be-significant-other’ hehehe That he is residing in Iloilo now and that I am at that very instant in Iloilo while listening to the very song was really too much of a coincidence.

I had closed that chapter of my life a long time ago and was not thinking of him at all while I was planning for the trip. Well, I must admit though that previous trips that work took me in Iloilo always had me edgy as I thought of the possibility of seeing him again. But that was a long, long time ago. And as I think about the whole thing now, I was really just infatuated with the idea of him and not of him as the real person. I hardly knew him after all. But the song was really a fitting theme song at that time. I still like the song when I hear it every now and then but the association with that particular experience is starting to fade.

It’s really just amazing how God could intervene with every minute detail of your life. I treated that Iloilo incident as one of His teasing forays. Indeed He knows me full well and I find great comfort in that. It is very comforting knowing that while I may get confused at times as to what I really want, I know He knows me better than I do. Knowing this and the fact that He actually is in control of my life reassures me. I know He knows even my deepest desire and wish and that I need not have to ask openly for them. I am in His hands, what could be more comforting than the thought of that? :)

Scare

2009-01-18T07:59:00.006-08:00

Got a real scare today. Earlier this afternoon we had to rush Mama to the hospital. She collapsed while we were at the Shrine of the Holy Infant of Prague. Cebu was celebrating their Sinulog earlier in the day. Since we could not be there, we made up for it by going to the Shrine instead.

On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.

While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.

Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.

She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.

Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!

I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.

I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.

Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.

I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.

I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.

I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.

Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...

A Different Breed

2009-01-06T00:08:00.004-08:00

Last January 3 I attended the internment of Tita Owa, Jeni's second mother and a well-respected former director of NEDA XI. A week before that we were at her wake and were amazed at the outpouring of sympathies shown the family through the flowers sent and the countless number of visitors who came to pay their respect.

The tags from the flowers indicated that they came from "big" personalities, key players who play equally big roles where development of the region and of Mindanao is concerned. Noting this observation, I remarked to Jeni that Tita Owa and Ate Ditdit -- who went before her (and the others whom I was not fortunate enough to have worked with) -- were really of a different breed. Their working style was different. Their love and passion for Mindanao and their role in it very much apparent. I guess it is the same passion and love that fuels the "working style" being displayed.

Working style. I think about my own working style, my inconsistencies at times -- displaying sheer brilliance and commitment now and then falling short of that in the next instant as I try to juggle being a "passionate" development worker, a mother of a three-year-old son, a wife, being the only daughter.. a niece of an ailing aunt... I remember my moments of "ineptness" (which does not occur often, I hope) and my excuses for them and think about how Tita Owa, Ate Ditdit, and the others like them, managed to do all these things all at once and still remained on the top of their form. I feel a bit of a shame at the thought.

Only a while back I put down the phone feeling utterly disappointed and a bit disgusted at being confronted by "ineptitude" in one of its rawest forms. It's a long story and I don't want to divulge the details but it entailed some "dishonoring" of commitments. It cost me much -- my time, opportunities I turned down, and well, income I have been counting much on. But that wasn't as nearly painful as the knowing that things are not as what they used to be, when integrity and commitment were upheld with the highest regard.

I am not saying I am better than they are. I too am guilty of ineptitude every now and then. And I could only speak for myself -- that every time this occurs, I am ridden with guilt, try my damnedest to pick up where I left off, and remind myself I am not just selling pancakes on the street but is playing an important role -- no matter how minute -- in this field called "development work."

I long for the day when work was tough but was very much rewarding, knowing full well you are making a kind of "contribution to life" somewhat. Now, I'm surprised to be working with some people who claim to be working for Mindanao but shows no "soul" or the "heart" for it. Again, I am not saying I am far better than they are. I have my own struggle with myself, as imperfect as I am.

I guess I really just miss the likes of 'Te Ditdit and Tita Owa who were awe-inspiring, whose display of commitment is a constant reminder to people like me that we ought to work harder, better and with utmost integrity because this kind of work that we do deserve no less than that.

I am still very much in an uphill where emulating their example is concerned. But I am comforted with the thought that I do not have to fill in their shoes (which were both big and noble) but should only be concerned with filling in mine. Being the best that I could be -- in what I do, in playing the role entrusted in my care, in fulfilling His plans and purpose for me -- is my primary task. And it's such a tall order already as it is... I am grateful for my mentors though -- eternally will be -- for their examples, for showing me how things ought to be done... May their souls be at peace...

First Thought

2009-01-04T08:51:00.005-08:00

Yesterday, I attended a session in BK and I was a bit embarrassed to have drawn a blank when I was asked what my first thought was -- as the year 2008 came to a close and the new year came dawning in. Honestly, I could not remember what my first thought had been. I remember asking myself several times, "Is it midnight yet?" I had been very sleepy, having very little sleep the day before. Well, I was practically sleepless, tidying up the place and making sure everything is clean and in proper order. This, a legacy from the OC aspect of my personality.

Well, I've always been big on rituals and ushering in the New Year is practically driving my OC self to be more so than the usual hehe To my OC self, it's a no-no to greet the new year without making sure everything is neat and tidy. Everything has to be set, the table and the food particularly. The dinner set had to be special and everything should match. Well, that was before. This year, I was a little kinder to myself (and most probably to the people I live with hehehe). Mama took out a serving dish that did not quite match the rest of the china but I did not make a fuss out of it. I remember thinking it's not worth fighting over.

And that probably was what my first thought had been... What was yours?

Swimming Shades

2008-12-31T01:10:00.010-08:00

Writing is such an integral part of who I am. I write when something inspires me; when something upsets me or when something really nice happened. I love the opportunity it gives me to express and "find" myself as writing gives me the chance to sort out the million and one feelings I may be having at one time.

I have been writing for as long as I could remember that it had also become a second nature to coin terms that I think would best express what I'm really feeling. I love playing with words, and maybe that is also the reason why I love flirting over at YM hahaha! Shh... allow me to be a bit defensive though, I don't flirt to everyone at YM just one or a few...err.. select friends hahaha

Anyway, I'm digressing again. I was just made to think about this fun I have over coining terms because of what happened this morning. Bee and I are cleaning house -- part of our ritual of welcoming the new year. By the way, we bought Baby a new cabinet -- out of his earned gift check from the Johnson's contest. Well, I had to augment it in order to make the purchase but it was all worth it. So anyway, the first thing we tackled was Baby's very big carton of toys. We knew we had to get rid of some, as the closet could only hold so much. Some of the old toys were already broken anyway.

Baby was still asleep while we were at the task so it was pretty much dependent upon our judgment. I judged it on two things -- (1) the state it's in, and (2) remembering Baby's own attachment to the toys. Some of the "firsts," no matter how broken, got saved by reasons of sentimentality hehehe Anyway, when Baby woke up this morning and saw the big, clear plastic full of toys, he took a look at them and tearfully asked me if we are giving all of them away. I took pity on him knowing full well his attachment to the toys. I remained firm though and told him that they are all broken anyway and that some kids might enjoy them still so we will be giving them away. As way of processing, I told him to take a good look at the pile and say his 'goodbyes' to them. That somehow appeased him, especially when I told him he could take out anything he might still like since I did put in some really good ones but are no longer age appropriate.

So he took a good look and did take out some toys for his keeping. I was tempted to argue with some of his choices but i knew I had to honor his feelings as well. Besides, I was also busy with cleaning the house. Then at one point, I hear him say something in a tone somewhat akin to horror. In an incredulous voice he asked me, "Nanay! 'Bigay mo tong swimming shades ko?!" (Nanay, are you giving away my "swimming shades?!") I was like, "What the ---- is a 'swimming shades?'" I took a look at what he is pointing at and almost doubled over in laughter. He was crouched over the plastic while holding on to his old pair of "googles." Haha! Swimming shades indeed... really smart baby I have here... ;) I'm wondering if he would take to "writing" as well :) I would surely be grateful if he would but would not be upset either if he'd had other interests :)

But really, Baby is way, way cool :) "Swimming shades" indeed! Haha!

Amazing Technology

2008-12-29T04:35:00.000-08:00

I'm currently blogging here while at the same time downloading songs from the internet. But that is not what I find so amazing. Both my laptop and phone have bluetooth. So to spruce up the scanty mp3 collection of my phone, I tried sending via bluetooth some of the songs I have already downloaded in my laptop. While I was doing so, I was prompted if I want some kind of authentication for both devices, for security sake. I don't look at myself as a techie but I do know computer stuff -- which should be the case, considering I took computer science as a course for three years in college hehehe. Anyway, so I did what I had to do and viola! There go the songs from my laptop being transferred to my phone. Bah! If that is not amazing technology, I don't know what else to call it hehehe

Which reminds me, I am truly grateful to be enjoying a lot of good stuff in my life lately. To begin with, I am grateful for my "techie" phone which is a token from Ate; for my laptop which ate up a considerable chunk from my bank account; for my good paying job which enabled me some really good purchases for myself (this laptop) and for my loved ones (the gifts I was able to give them); for having Ate and the kids and some of our closest relatives home for Christmas; and for countless other things. Thank you, Father God.

Who wouldn't be grateful when all of these blessings came without my having to seek them out? The phone for instance was a pleasant treat. I was solely content with the SG something Samsung phone I had. It had no camera, could not store mp3's but it was handy, dependable, and served its purpose. I did wish for an mp3 player though and thought about upgrading to a pricier and a bit fancier phone. I was clear about one thing though -- I did not want to shell out money for either of the two items hehehe And so apparently, I got my wish :)

The laptop was another thing. I was clear about what I want in a laptop. At the same time, I was also clear about the budget I was willing to spend for it. So for some time, I waited till I could find one that perfectly fit the bill. And I found one. The only problem then was that my cash wasn't enough at that time. I don't fancy resorting to purchasing it with a credit card. I must admit though that I was very nearly tempted to go that far. I wanted that particular model very much. And then, by the time I had the money and went back to the store, I was a bit sad to have found out that it was already sold out. Amazingly though, I did not feel any disappointment, it's as if I knew all along that I'll have it no matter what. And I did. It was in another store, exactly the same model I wanted, and on a sale yet -- marking down the cost to what I was prepared to pay for. Well, I had been preparing myself to pay more given that most of the lesser prized units have already come and gone with everyone intent to spend all their hard-earned bonuses on gadgets. But then here I am, another wish granted.

Ate and the kids' being home was one of the best wish granted, however. And I miss them already. I am looking forward to their next visit, which I hoped would be a lot longer than two weeks and where we could all go flit off somewhere for some exotic vacation like in Palawan or something :) I'd be more than willing to save for two years for it so I could pay for Mama and Janine's fare as well wahehe

I'm now thinking wistfully of what to wish for next... I cut myself short... Because, I am not really the kind of person who dwells too much on what I want. So I don't really spend any time thinking about what to wish for. Usually, I would just go by feeling, recognizing what I need and want in my life at the moment and then I would continue doing whatever it is I'm doing. I don't brood or obsess over a thing.

Now, I find myself wishing for a good paying, meaningful job where my passion for Mindanao and helping others, and my thirst for knowledge and spiritual/ personal growth be continuously satisfied. And I would like to add -- where I would be working with light, fun-to-be-with, no hang-ups, honest, hardworking, soulful, equally-passionate about Mindanao individuals...

How exacting could I be? :) Well, I had to be (exacting). Because, I want the "whole" package delivered to me by the universe. Not some hodgepodge-same-looking-but-not-quite kind of thing. I can't have that :) Life is too short to be spent on less than what we deserve and intend to have. I've had had that -- owing to immaturity and not knowing any better. This time, I want to be clear about what I really want and to aim for them and nothing less. After all, I have little wants and desires and more often than not, they are not intended to harm other people or to step on anyone's toes...

Whiling the Time Away

2008-12-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

It’s really late. I ought to be sleeping already but I just came in from spending the night out with Ate, the kids and some of their relatives. I’m feeling a bit perked up at the moment. So I’m doing this for a bit of some winding down.

Ate and the kids are leaving tomorrow for Manila. They will be spending two days there before flying out to Hongkong and then eventually to Australia. They’ve been here for two weeks only, such a short time but we’ve really been busy the whole time. There were just far too many gatherings and family outings being squeezed in into an already tight schedule in view of the Holidays.

Oh well, it’s going to be a long time till they’ll be vacationing again. Hope it will be longer next time though and would feature some “really” out of town trips. This time we’ve been to Nabunturan to visit its famous hot spring resort. It also served as a treat to the olds. I’m hoping that next time though we would be going somewhere a little bit further than that like Camiguin or Boracay. I’ve been to both several times already but I wouldn’t mind going to these places again with the family.

Actually, I’ve been intending to visit Manila as well to spend more time with Ate’s kids and to treat Mama but the schedule is not so good with the Holiday rush and all to consider. The thought of spending most of the three days in Manila sitting out a traffic jam is horrendous and well, not seem worth the money and the time. It would be heavenly to spend a few more days with them though but oh well.. next time.

Hey, Ate, Kuya, Tung, Bodok and Lian, it was truly nice seeing and spending some time with you. Looking forward to your next vacation. Take care always, ‘love you.

Breaking Dawn

2008-12-13T02:30:00.003-08:00

The clock in the lower right-hand corner of my screen reads it’s 1:36 AM. Finally, I had a way to tell the time. There’s hardly any clock inside this room we are delegated into. The clock in my cell phone is utterly useless since I hadn’t set it right and it had not occurred to me to look at my wrist watch somewhere inside my hand bag. Well, at least up until now.

Ate and the kids arrived today for their two-week vacation. We had fully intended to go back to our Empress home. We have prepared for it but Ate had voiced out her concern about our having to stay away when they would be here for just a few days. And I had to agree as well. At least it will give me more time with the kids. We’ve missed them so much and two weeks is so short after all to be spent far apart from each other. We don’t know when the next visit would be.

So, for the time being we are occupying the much smaller bedroom. Well, it is very cozy. In fact, better than I had expected. I smile now, amused as I recalled Baby’s reaction earlier this evening. I was dressing him up after our shower, preparing him for bedtime. He looked around the room cautiously and asked me whether we are sleeping in this room. With a pout he told me we ought to sleep with Mama Gaga – referring to the bedroom we have been occupying. I told him we wouldn’t all fit inside the room.

Now, I’m already beginning to feel sleepy. Only a moment ago I had a hard time settling down. I was so high, after finally closing the last page to “Breaking Dawn” – the fourth and last installation of the “Twilight Saga.” It’s a “very pretty” book. (Well, the whole series was.) I reserve the description “beautiful” to “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and to Ayn Rand’s “Fountain Head” and “Atlas Shrugged.” And rightfully so.

Nonetheless, this series certainly did leave me breathless just the same. Breathless and completely satisfied as how I’d always feel after reading a good book. “Breaking Dawn” has in fact been a good read. It gave a fitting ending to the beautiful tapestry woven in “Twilight” and the two other installations that followed. It was filled with enough drama, rendering a reader utterly defenseless from its charm. It had been very difficult to put the book down. The funny thing is I knew that it would have its effect on me so I deliberately avoided it, knowing full well my reports had to take the utmost priority. But I guess that’s just how this universe works – whatever you covet the most -- with most certainty -- it would come to you no matter how you may try not to seek it.

Here’s how it was in this case: I was up late, finishing the minutes of a very important meeting related to a project I’m involved with. I was also hooked to the internet. Out of habit, every now and then I would take a pause from the report I was doing to surf the net, check my mails or to chat with a friend over at YM. I know, an utterly counterproductive habit but it’s one of the things that kept me sane in spite of the several deadlines I have, as ironic as it may sound.

Anyway, I was just about to wrap things up after I’ve emailed the report when a niece came online. We casually chatted over the internet and that’s when it happened. We talked about “Twilight” and how she is reading “New Moon” at the moment. I told her “Eclipse” is so much more exciting (Of course at that time, I had not known “Breaking Dawn” would even be more so). She informed me that she’s at a café just because she can’t resist sneaking up some time to read her “e-copy” of NM. And casually, she told me she has an e-copy of all four books. That was the first mistake. The second mistake was when I agreed that she could send them over to me. The third, when I opened the e-copy of BD and told myself I would just take a peak at the first few pages.

That was around 1:30 AM. The next time I looked up from the computer, I was shocked to see the light outside of the window. I snaked a look at the clock of my computer and was totally surprised to see it was already 5:30 in the morning. I was that engrossed! Tatay, when he finally came in at around 2:30 am from an evening out, had tried to pry me away but nothing he did took me away from my reading. At around 7:00 in the morning, he took matters to his own hands and literally pulled the plug from under me. The monitor went black on me and I would have argued if not for my noticing for the first time how exhausted I felt. Immediately, I dropped on my back and slept.

After three hours, I woke up determined more than ever to borrow Jeni’s book copy of BD. I had to have it! I had to finish it! Jeni’s been holding out on me as well so I could do my reports as I intended. But eventually I know it had come to this. Last night, I did pick up the book from her. And here I am. I would have been able to finish the book much sooner if only not for Ate’s arrival. It kept me busy the whole day.

Lots of things I wanted to write about, other entries besides this one have been cooking along in my head before I started chipping away here. Because, you see, I closed the book feeling a bit “in love” with the idea of love :) So naturally, it had left me feeling pensive and well, inspired to pursue a certain line of thought. Ah well, that’s a different entry all together. For now, I would have to end this entry with that. Otherwise, another breaking dawn would be on me before I’d even noticed it. I need my sleep as well but ah I certainly want to write about it, about that certain promise of “someone else.” But ah, that would have to wait. For now, I should sleep. My body and mind needs the rest. There are, after all, reports to finish after this…

Post-Script: Baby's Certificate :)

2008-12-09T07:08:00.004-08:00

See? Look at his picture, he's got the cutest smile, right? ;) haha! Spoken like a real Mom, huh? :)

My Celebrity Son

2008-12-07T19:49:00.007-08:00

Well, all the sacrifices and money thrown into the event have finally paid off... and ended... last night. At last! :) The results were amazing. Imagine, the baby who won first prize threw in 23,000++ votes. Imagine that. A co-parent who sat in the same table as us (during the Awarding Dinner last night) told me she computed that for this week alone, the parent of that baby could have spent close to a million. Imagine that! Because you see, 1 vote means a 300 purchase plus 2 products of the activity organizer.

Well, the purchase, that can be done away with if you would just have someone ask for receipts. But, 23,000++ votes meant around 47,000 Johnson products. And being buyers ourselves, we knew that the cheapest product is at Php 15.75 each. That is, if you were lucky enough that VP have stocks for that product. In our case alone, the only available product during the last week was that of Php 35++ and above. So imagine that... Well, you do the math and that is around 800K++ hahaha

Well, I'm happy we made the right decision not to splurge this time and take it easy. We practically spent quite an amount of money making purchases and buying the products in order to raise votes for Baby. During the final round, we thought we couldn't waste our money when we are not sure if Baby could win at all or not. Tatay and I were contemplating about spending Php 50K on the products alone haha! What a waste it would have been. There were some parents who spent 200K++ and did not even make it to the top 3 since third place had a total vote of 16K++ so that's 32K of the products... around Php 500K hahaha!

Anyway, the whole experience really had me tickled pink. I totally enjoyed it. What I enjoyed the most was that Baby seem to enjoy everything as well. These days, everytime we get in our car, he would ask if we are going to "his" contest haha! And then this morning, he asked me where his certificate and his "tickets" are. He asked, "Where's tickets ko, Nanay?" in a very concerned voice that I was really amused by it. Btw, the tickets here meant the gift certificates he earned as one of the baby finalists. Well, yes, he was indeed one of the finalists and it is enough to make me proud. In fact, I have this feeling that if only the contest was about having the cutest smile, then I'm sure Baby would have won first place hahaha! I'm sure the other parents would think otherwise but hey, this is my blog after all hahaha!

That's Baby in the center. In a red shirt. So, I'm right, aint I? He's the cutest there is hahaha!

Plenty of food during the "Culmination Dinner."

With Ninang Jeni!

Parenthood and Baby Contest

2008-12-04T01:01:00.002-08:00

I sat on top of the carton of soaps, trying to accomplish the tickets that would form part of Baby’s votes for the week. My mind is engaged, thinking a lot of things all at the same time. A part of me is feeling incredulous. I couldn’t believe what I just allowed to happen. I let Bee talked me into throwing a good deal of money intended to purchase a prepaid internet pack to buy 140 bars of soap. Hmm… actually, make that 160 cartons of Vitamin-enriched, Milk soap bar.

So in case any of my family or closest friends is reading this, I guess you know now what you are getting for Christmas haha! You would have to excuse me this year for shying away from tradition and from one of the things I like best about Christmas – hunting for well-thought of, individualized presents for family and loved-ones wahehe.

Another part of me was itching for my cell phone. I wanted to share my foolishness with Candy and Jeni, wanted to share with them how I found the whole thing amusing. Well, amusing doesn’t even begin to cut it -- this almost obsessive impulse to throw away every cent I have just to ensure Baby’s win. Well, to be honest, I’m not really concerned about Baby topping the list. Placing third would be good enough for me.

Ah… and there was this other preoccupation. Before the tickets came through, I was happy where I was, perched on the carton of soaps, totally enamored and amused as Jacob and Edward both tried to fight for a space in my heart. They are both so lovable, in their own, distinct way. I was so absorbed with “Eclipse” (third installation of “Twilight”) that I was reluctant to respond when Tatay tapped me by the shoulder to hand me a booklet of tickets to fill up. But that’s a different entry altogether.

Hmm… let me explain it first. On impulse, almost two months ago, I registered Baby in a Baby contest of sorts. We had him photographed and allowed a really good marketing team to suck us all in, as week for week we drive ourselves a little crazy purchasing mundane things just to secure a few votes. And that’s not even the worst part about it. It is swallowing one’s pride to approach strangers and ask them for receipts! Haha! Well, I have to thank Tatay for making sure I don’t have to stoop that low hehe!

All I ever did was look wistfully at the receipts hanging loosely from strangers’ purchases, wishing I could kick aside my ego in order to match the sacrifice Tatay is making at that same moment. I sort of “envy” some parents and the tenacity they’re showing as they approach total strangers, give a litany of sorts about the contest and ask them for receipts or to vote for their babies. I envied the dedication they’re displaying and thought how they are really making the most of the experience.

Experience. Jeni had teased me once saying I’m doing all these things for Baby’s shot at fame. I thought a lot about that too, before. I wondered if I really do want Baby to be somewhat famous and all -- thus this obsession. But nah, not really. I prefer not to call much attention to myself and for good reasons. I want the same thing for my son.

The truth is, what I’m actually paying for, is this particular experience as a parent. I saw it as an opportunity to discover who I am as a “stage mother” without necessarily harming baby in any other way like having to force him to audition or something. God forbid! I wouldn’t want such experience for my son or be the one to subject him to such a thing. At the same time, I saw it as an opportunity for Tatay and I to work together again as a team for Baby’s sake. I love the thought of how the experience is giving us both a shot at another aspect of parenthood, something we wouldn’t have if not for this contest.

That is why I envied all those parents and how they were really throwing all of themselves into the experience. Some parents (mostly mothers) whom I talked with, told me they spent most of their days in the mall just to chase receipts and votes for their babies. A particular parent told me she had spent a total of 40 thousand already from the first week of the contest up to now -- the final elimination round prior to the finals. Imagine that. Here I am, telling myself I’m in it for the experience and yet I am not as fully into it as they are. I truly envy their dedication and well, their time since I definitely could not afford just to hang at the mall all day.

But in fairness, I may not have spent that much money or time but I have gone far beyond my comfort zones. This week alone I had been visiting the mall three days in a row when I would normally just drop by once a week to make purchases, have Tatay’s receipts validated and cast our votes for Baby. Then we leave everything up to the fates. Tatay and I are quite strategic though. We look at the votes already in and “compute” how many votes would secure Baby’s making the cut that week, so we don’t necessarily stress ourselves out thinking that we might not have enough votes for the week. It also allowed us to save some votes for the weeks thereafter.

This last week is crazy though thus requiring those extra days spent at the mall. The other parents were all edgy, almost in a state of panic as they erratically drop coupons upon coupons up until the final hour. So it was pretty much unpredictable. It drove me a bit crazy haha I was tempted to “scold” them, thinking they shouldn’t waste that much votes since it wouldn’t be carried over on the final week anyway. I was tempted to give them a lecture about “being strategic” haha! But there they were, dropping as many as they could, forcing me to do the same. In the end Tatay and I dropped all our saved coupons. We can’t not have Baby in for the final week! By then, the organizers would have the babies’ pictures printed big and displayed in individual boxes. That particular experience, I wouldn’t want Baby to miss :)

Parenthood sure is a whole lot of experience to contend with and I’m truly glad I bought into it no matter how difficult it may prove to be sometimes. Just seeing Baby and the little antics he’s learning and showing me everyday is enough to make me think all the sacrifices are all worth it.

"Shallow Happiness"

2008-09-23T22:51:00.005-08:00

It’s amazing how seeing Baby’s used shorts on the floor could fill me with so much happiness. Here’s the context – (1) the “floor” the shorts was on, was directly next to the laundry basket; (2) Since the day he was able to walk, I’ve already been asking Baby to put his used clothes to the laundry. So it really felt amazing to see him finally doing it on his own, without my having to remind him all the time. It filled me with a sense of pride and brought me so much happiness. It made me realize that mothers really have “shallow happiness” (mababaw ang kaligayahan hehehe).

It’s really amazing how Baby is starting to “shape up” under my very eyes. He had this tiny set of drawers that I also labeled. I always grew irritated before everytime I’d see Baby’s clothes are not in their proper places. So one day, I painstakingly labeled his drawers. I also drew on them. I’ve taken to putting in his pajamas on the topmost drawer. Another house his socks, shorts and nickers. The next drawer had his shirts and sando's while the bottom drawer is where his extra sweatshirts are. Each drawer had drawings on them, showing exactly what is in them.

It wasn’t really my intention to use the drawings for Baby’s benefit. When I was doing that, I was really paying homage to my artistic self more than anything else. What I did not know then is that it would come handy when it comes to “training” Baby.

Lately, he had been such a show off, always insisting on putting on his clothes himself, putting on his socks, etc. Every time he does that, I would have to “praise-overload” him least he would give up trying altogether. And it would always amuse me how his face would lit up every time I tell him how “very good” he is. It’s really cute.

So now, everytime I’d ask him to change his wet shirt or shorts, he would run to his drawer, point at the drawing on his drawer and say, “This one, Nanay?” or “Kani, Nanay?” And I would be grateful for the drawings. Just the other day also, while I was folding our newly laundered clothes, I let Baby take charge of his clothes. From where I sat, he eagerly got hold of his folded pajamas and ran to the other room only to come running back to get his folded shirts. When I checked, he had managed to put them in their exact drawers except for a couple of pajamas that strayed to where his shorts are. And while I was checking, he was eagerly waiting for my approval and it greatly amused me. I also felt my love for him doubled a hundred times over. Ah, motherhood truly has its rewards.

Musings

2008-09-10T21:26:00.003-08:00

“Why can’t it last?” I turned to Bee and asked. We were still both in bed trying to get our bearings before getting up and start preparing for the day. I have just related how I had a pleasant dream about my crush paying me special attention – asking me how I was, and showing me special concern. And yes, I could talk to Bee about my crushes. Not that there are many or that I have one for a prolonged period of time. They’re usually just individuals with brilliant minds and passion for Mindanao, whom I would greatly admire. Well, I must add that they’re about my age and are not exactly lacking where the physical aspect is concerned hehehe

So, anyway, I was telling Bee about how I woke up feeling good from the dream. And, immediately, he dragged me out of the cloud I was floating on to remind me that “these things” happen only during the courtship stage and soon after will fade to oblivion. That was what the “why-not-last” question about. I asked why it could not last. I argued that it really depends on the couple. If they would make the effort, then certainly the relationship could retain its “courtship-like” atmosphere.

His quick rejoinder to what I said really had me thinking. Very quickly he said, “Lisod man gud mag-love pirmi sa gamug-ot!” Wahahaha! I mean yeah, it’s a simple statement but it certainly means a lot. Indeed it is difficult to feel the love consistently for someone who is constantly frowning or worrying or nagging you.

Come to think of it, the courtship stage is mostly about being your best self. You get flattered so you respond accordingly. You smile a lot, you’re a lot kinder, a lot more patient, etc. It’s no wonder there is nothing but “feel-good” energy during this stage. Now, marriage is an entirely different case altogether. It’s when you get to see the person for who s/he really is. And, it’s not always that you’ll find a reason to smile about. More often than not, there are (somehow) a lot more reasons to frown about.

Now, I’m wondering, can there not be a way to go past all of that? I mean, I’m not saying one should be delusional and turn a blind eye on problems just to maintain that “happy-nothing-is-wrong” atmosphere. All I’m saying is, is there not a way wherein we could tackle “problems” and “knots” in our relationship as something that are just momentary bumps in the road and not the be-all and end-all of the relationship? I mean sure, there are bound to be hardships along the way but do we just stop at that? Hmm… I know it’s easier said than done but really? All I’m trying to say is that sometimes, the way we look at things could spell a whole lot of difference.

What you seek is what you shall find. The “Secret” said something like, “You attract what you feel so strongly about.” So if you constantly focus on the negativities of your relationship then I guess that’s what you’ll get more of. Or is it? Just thinking out loud.

Boracay

2008-08-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

I sit here, crouching over the laptop on top of the bed slaving over a report that is due a few hours from now. The clock in the lower, right-hand corner of my screen reads 1:27 AM. My back aches and is screaming for me to take a rest and just lie down for a minute just to allow my spine to realign once again. Thoughts and words crowd over my head as I try to accomplish the report as briefly but at the same time, “exacting” as best as I could. And yet, dreams of Boracay – its white, powdery sand bathe in its unforgettable golden sunsets – creep into my mind, teasing me into nostalgic train of thought.

Ah, who would have thought that I’d eventually fall inlove with Boracay? I’ve seen her twice before but was never smitten. To me, she’s far too overcrowded, far too commercialized to merit being included in my “best-loved-vacation-spot” list. But in my recent visit, she managed to creep right into that list and into my heart. Boracay just grew on me and here I am thinking -- amidst scattered papers and reports -- of the time I’d be through with all of these so I would just find myself in her midst again.

Nope, I don’t fancy another island touring, I’ve done that twice and I guess I’ve seen enough. What I really look forward to doing is just spending lazy walks at white beach, covering the wide expanse from station 1 to station 3 and then back. I don’t care about the shops or the night life. I’ve never been much of a party person. What I truly long for was just to spend a lazy afternoon at the beach, lost in thought with probably a pen in hand as I get lost in my own thoughts and introspection. It would really be lovely to spend an entire week there, doing nothing but sit back and relax with no thoughts whatsoever other than enjoying the time at hand. A week! That would be heavenly. I can’t wait to have the chance to do just that. Soon!

Actually Boracay came to mind in the first place since I've been wanting to blog about our recent visit there. But with all the reports that I needed to do, it simply is just impossible... But ah...soon :)

Afternoon Delight

2008-08-27T19:51:00.002-08:00

One thing I’m enjoying about being on leave these past weeks is the time I spent with Baby in the afternoons. As is usually the case, I had to do a lot of “encouragement” before he agrees to take an afternoon nap. More often than not he would tell me in his trilingual tongue, “Play lang ako, Nanay. Dili ako sleep,” with matching flick of the eyelash and the pouting of lips. This would put me in a dilemma. Why? Because, I remember not so long ago how I also used to “despise” my Mom or whoever would “command” my cousins and I to take a nap in the afternoon.

I remember feeling rebellious at that time, thinking how I’d rather just play than sleep. In hindsight, I think it’s really a way for the kids to dispense with all that energy. Playing meant some kind of outlet. The funny thing is, I also remember telling myself then that when I would be grown up, and it’s my turn to become a parent, I would not force my kids to take an afternoon nap. Instead, I will allow them to play all afternoon because I know how it feels. Wahehehe I was that “forward looking” even then.

So one afternoon, I found Bee and Baby locked in an argument about taking a nap. I could see that Bee wants to take a nap himself and would want to feel secure about Baby by making sure he’s asleep as well. Isn’t this the real reason really? Hehe. And so I asked him if he had the same experience as I did -- despising naps in the afternoons and vowing not to subject my would-be kids to the same treatment. He looked sheepish for a while, smiled and changed his approach. Without changing a beat, he immediately told Baby that he could play all he want! Hehehe. Of course I admonished Bee for it. Baby would only be confused by the sudden change but I also appreciated the fact that Bee got the value of what I was telling him. What I appreciated more, however, was his readiness and willingness to “change tapes” at a drop of a hat.

Bee and I are serious about not making the same mistakes that our parents did. Of course we’re not saying that our parents are bad. Now that we’re parents ourselves, we recognize how hard it is to become one and be responsible for everything that concerns our child. We know that parents have unconditional love for their children and that at any given time was really only being the best that they could be. At the same time, we recognize that there are certain patterns – not exactly good – that are passed on from generation to generation that we would not want our child to inherent. Thus the “changing of tapes.”

Bee and I are really dead serious about changing our tapes. We would want to “break” the patterns and provide Baby with a relatively “clean” slate. We are not perfect. Bee and I recognize that he and I are also the product of years and years of conditioning – by our parents and by our own experiences while growing up. And so, we try our best to do two things: first, to always better ourselves in order to be able to give baby a good example and second, to constantly be in search of ways with which we could raise baby in a good way.

Hmm… but that’s not what I intended to write about in the first place. What I want to share really is this funny incident I had with baby very recently. As I said, urging him to take afternoon naps is really such a challenge. I had to be really creative about it, resorting to ways that would eventually induce him to sleep without my having to force him to.

Usually, I would insist he would have to take his “dede” first and play afterwards if he wants. The good thing is, there is a direct correlation between the decrease of the level of milk in Baby’s feeding bottle to that of the degree of the opening of his eyes hehehe. If that does not work, I would read to him or engage him in an “I-Ask-You-Answer” exercise. Well, my years of experience in training sure do come in handy on time like this : )

Anyway, here’s a transcript of one of those “afternoon sessions:”

Me: Baby, what do you call a baby seal?
Baby: Pup!
Me: What do you call a baby panda?
Baby: Cub!
Me: What do you call a baby pig?
Baby: piglet!
Me: What do you call a baby dog?
Baby: (It’s been a while since I last asked him this and he probably forgot already) Ah…dog, Nanay?
Me: Yes, dog. What do you call a baby dog?
Baby: Ah… puppy! Puppy!
Me: Very good! Puppy! How about the baby cat?
Baby: Cat? Meow, Nanay?
Me: No, that’s the sound a cat makes, Baby. I meant the name of the baby cat. What do you call a baby cat?
Baby: Call Nanay?
Me: Yes, call.
Baby: (putting a fist on his right ear) Hello! Hello! Nanay?

Waaaahhhhh! Hehehe

Here’s another:

Me: What do you call a baby elephant?
Baby: Haaachooo! (pretending to sneeze)
Me: What?
Baby: Calf, Nanay! (He meant cough!)

Waaaah! Matalinong bata hehehe. Able to make associations of words already. Calf (cough) indeed! Hehehe

Another one:

Me: What do you call a baby gorilla?
Baby: Di ko ‘lam, Nanay.
Me: It’s infant, Baby. Infant.
Baby: Infant Jesus, Nanay?

Hahahahaha!!!! Afternoon delight indeed!

Thank you, Father God for every moment of it and for giving me such a smart Baby. May you constantly sustain Loreto and I as we fumble and grope our way to being the best parents for our son. We make humungous mistakes every now and then, being a work in progress ourselves. For that I am constantly ashamed of and am sorry. Please help us train up Rod Lauren in the way that he should go. Amen.

Pasalubong

2008-08-17T06:33:00.003-08:00

Bee just came in from an overnight activity in Samal and we were both surprised when Baby -- after squealing in delight and running straight to his Tatay's arms the instant he saw him, squirmed free and headed straight to his Tatay's backpack. He then turned to his Tatay and said, "Pasalubong Tatay?" Haha! Bee turned to him and said his presence is the pasalubong. Bee turned to me however and said he'd make a quick visit to a nearby store but I admonished him. While it is nice to have some pasalubongs for Baby when we've been away, I would rather have it that Baby is pleased to see us because he missed us and not because he's looking forward to the treat we're giving him.

Baby certainly is growing up so fast. He never fails to amaze us everyday with his new learning and antics. Last Thursday night (August 14) he insisted to put on his socks himself. We were getting ready for bed then. Bee was handing Baby and I socks for the night. He turned towards Baby, intending to put it on him. Baby however insisted about doing it himself. And so I praised him and told his Tatay, "Look, Tay, mark this date -- August 14 -- this is the day that Baby put on socks for himself for the first time!" Baby then said, "Picture please Tatay." Haha! So he now have associated his "first's" with taking pictures of the event! hehehe Smart Baby :)

1984

2008-08-06T21:34:00.001-08:00

It’s been a long time since I had a time to really sit down and finish reading an entire book. Lately, all I’ve ever managed doing is start a self-help book and then abandon it. There’s just too much to do and too little time to do it with. Oh, on second thought, I still do have the time for reading. And sometimes I would even finish as much as three books a night. And they’re mostly by Dr. Seuss. =D

Reading for my own pleasure doesn’t come that often these days though. More often than not, my free time are usually spent on the internet. As it is, I sometimes feel I do not have enough time for blogging. So definitely, reading takes second priority these days.

Every time we would be staying at our Empress home I would look longingly at my bookshelf there. It houses my complete collection. Well, whatever is left of it. Some really good ones like some of Ayn Rand’s and Coelho’s and some Anne Rice’s must have remained stuck in somebody else’s book shelf. I even miss my copy of the Celestine Prophecy and it’s sequel. That and some of those that would have completed my Tolkien and Harry Potter series.

It never really was my intention but over the years I’ve managed to get hold of books that have sequels and prequels or that which could comprise a complete series. Until now I have an old copy of Love Story and it’s sequel – “Oliver Story.” I think I love the idea of “continuity” that these books imply. And one of my prized possessions really is the Bourne Series I have. I even have them in hardbound. I started reading them in high school but only managed to get copies of them when I was in college. Well, I had a bigger allowance at that time. :) That collection nearly cost me an arm and a leg. I think I missed a few meals just to be able to afford to buy them at that time.

Ah, all these talks about books are reminding me about all the other books I’ve lost over the years… My favorite classic – “Crime and Punishment.” Then there’s my bibliography of Hitler’s latter part of his life… But I don’t hold any grudges really. While I value my books more than I value anything else I own, I don’t have that much attachment where they are concerned however. They’re just things after all.

Anyway, I’ve had had in my possession a copy of Orwell’s 1984 since college. I’ve read its reviews. Every now and then I’d read a feature story or an article making a reference to it so I kind of have an idea what the book was all about. But as for really picking it up and devouring its pages, I never really had the time to do that in the past. Not until today. And finally, after more than ten years, I was finally able to read it from cover to cover in just one day.

I find it ironic since in my current state I was strictly advised about taking on any reading. And 1984 is not just “any reading.” It’s highly intellectual reading. I think it is safe to say it is not “for-just- anyone” type of reading. From page 1 I know it’s going to be “heavy” reading from then on. For a moment, the word “relapse” came to my head but try as I might, I know I could not just turn away from the book. I had to finish it. It was that interesting to me. It was that appealing.

It was indeed interesting. It reminded me so much of “Crime and Punishment” but its plot is much, much more complex and thought-provoking. 1984 is pretty much like Ayn Rand’s “Anthem” but only much more voluminous and therefore much more detailed and complicated in plot. Nonetheless, I loved it.

I loved its concept of “double speak.” I loved how the book touched on the complexity of the human brain. Of how it could be influenced to think contrary to what it really feels. I loved its concept of “obliterating the past” in order to control the future.

The book was written in the 60’s and is about a perceived society 20 years down the line. It was written with everything that has been going on at that time as its background – the Super Power Countries phenomenon, the rise of Communism, etc. And I’m thinking, amidst what background are we writing our books of today? What is the stream of consciousness that propels every writer’s mind nowadays?

1984 was a popular book in its time, so was Ayn Rand’s and many others. What are today’s popular books? What kind of books makes it to today’s “Best Seller’s List?” And what is the stream of consciousness that drove it to be on that list? What are today’s readers’ needs? To me, books are what feed the mind and the soul and so I make my choices accordingly. I just wonder what books are to today’s generation of internet-driven and internet-obsessed blokes?

Baby's First Levi's

2008-08-03T00:01:00.002-08:00

Baby donned on his first Levi’s today. Funny but I certainly got emotional over it. Hehehe. Since he was just a few month’s old, Baby had already been wearing denim pants. To digress a little, it’s really amazing how babies’ clothes have changed over time. There are simply a lot of things available in the market today. One can even find miniskirts for newborn baby girls these days. Amazing.

Anyway, Baby had his first Guess jeans when he was two years old. It was a gift from Candy. But Levi’s is something different I guess. It represents a lot of things to me. For one, I grew up knowing it was Papa’s preferred brand of pants. In college, there was a time when it had also become a fashion statement. And I got into this stage wherein I wouldn’t wear any other pants but Levi’s. I remember owning up to 6 pairs at one time. And it did not come easy because even then a pair was already pretty much expensive. Good thing there are times when Mama would be pretty generous and would buy me a pair.

Seeing Baby donning on his first pair evoked in me mixed emotions. It’s as if it drove home to me the point that pretty soon Baby would be all grown up he’d have his own say where his clothes is concerned. Next year he’ll be entering play school and maybe before I knew it he’ll be entering college. By then it’ll be his turn to “urge” his Nanay to buy him a pair of Levi’s. :)

Roxas City Trip

2008-08-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

For the longest time I’ve been wanting to take Mama on a trip somewhere. It’s high time that she starts enjoying the fine things in life. She’s always been hardworking, always bent on providing for and serving the people in her lives. It’s high time that someone starts thinking about giving her what is due her. Oh, I’ve always been mindful of her and all the sacrifices she did and is still doing for the family. But I never really had the chance to treat her big time. For one thing, I did not have the resources before. And when there were instances that I did have the resources, she would always decline the offer, saying it would just be a waste of money.

So this time, not to give her the time to refuse, I booked her plane ticket in advance. So I just broke it to her gently that she had to take a leave from work for two days as her ticket is non-refundable. I had booked her ticket two months in advance so she would have the time to have the whole idea sink in and well, to prepare for the trip.

For two months, there were times I would sense her excitement for the trip. But there were also times when she would express her misgivings for the whole thing, for the expense and for the time it would take her away from work. She bemoaned the fact that she would be away from her work and how the money that I would spend for her and Janin be used for a more worthwhile project. When she would get into this mood, I would immediately turn away lest we would again get into one of our arguments. In the end she lightened up especially when it was settled that Mama Fely will be joining us as well. It was one of her worries – who would be left with Mama Fely when we were away. I worried about that as well. Good thing Ate made arrangements for her to join us.

Choosing the Place. Baguio and Ilocos was one of the trip options. Actually I had a hard time deciding where to take her. But since Bolo and I had recently been to Baguio, I had certain misgivings about going there again. Ilocos is another thing though. The last time I’ve been there was some four or five years ago. So I was kind of toying with the idea. I could no longer remember how it came to be that I finally decided on Boracay. I think it had something to do with the available flights and the promo.

Boracay. I’ve never been fond of the place before. I’ve been there twice and I used to think being there once is enough. I’m fond of Panay as a whole though. I love visiting Iloilo and all its churches (especially those I have not been to yet). And I’m particularly fond of Kalibo or to be more apt, New Washington because of Sampaguita Gardens. And I had yet to visit Antique, Guimarras and Roxas City.

I’ve always been wanting to visit Roxas City. The last time I had a chance to visit Panay, I’ve been able to go to Miag-ao (one of my must-see places) despite the tight schedule I had. At that time, we were actually staying at Sampaguita Gardens for several days. Since we were real close to Boracay already, we decided to go there. But I would have rather visited Roxas City since I’ve never been there yet. Aside from the fact that I’ve always wanted to visit Pan-ay Church and its historic Bell (Biggest in Asia and third in the world). So when we finally decided on Boracay at this time, I fully intended to go Roxas City.

It was a little difficult deciding on the itinerary given the limited time we had. We only had 5 full days and I had intended we cover Roxas, Miag-ao, some other churches in Iloilo, New Washington and well, Boracay. Guimarras and nearby Bacolod sounded appealing and I know I would have squeezed them in if I only had enough time.

The trip. Landing in Iloilo on our first day, we immediately made a segue to the terminal for the bus that would take us to Roxas City. We passed by a portion of Jaro District on our way there and we saw the devastation left by Typhoon Frank. Yes, our trip was scheduled right around that time. Fortunately for us, our schedule was not on the week when the typhoon hit but around two weeks after its onslaught. Frank left such a big damage though so there were talks that Panay and Boracay would not recover in a month. Imagine that! Everything was plastered in the news and what was shown was not exactly a pretty picture. The olds were starting to voice out their concerns and so did our close friends who knew of the trip. But the owner of the resort we booked in Boracay was reassuring and so we went ahead with the trip.

It took some time before the bus left for Roxas and the ride was not exactly smooth. We arrived at Roxas at around 1 pm and we were actually starving having no decent breakfast but some packed cheese sandwiches. So we immediately hailed a cab. In Roxas, translate that to – tricycle. We headed straight to Gaisano Metro and into Mang Inasal. Ah, Mang Inasal is another story altogether. I intend to devote a separate entry just for it.

Anyway, since we intended to go around Roxas very quickly, given the limited time we had, we decided to hire the tricycle we hailed for the entire afternoon. So we practically went around Roxas city in our “tri-wheeled limousine” :)

Pan-ay Church was our objective in Roxas but since we were already close to the “Roxas Mansion” – Sen. Mar Roxas’ residence – we decided to visit is as well and take a few pictures. After which, we went straight to Pan-ay Church.

The church was located at some distance from the city proper. It took a while before we got there. I was happy to find out that the church was open. The olds and I immediately knelt down to pray. The kids however have different ideas. They were running about and shouting, much to my consternation.

I almost moaned out loud when I found out the belfry was locked. I was there for the Bell and it would certainly be a shame to miss it this time. Who knows when I’d have the time and the resources to visit again. I urged Bee to inquire at the cumvento whether we could have the belfry opened. We both did but we were informed that the caretaker left and would not be returning for some time. My heart sank but still I did not lose hope. And true enough, soon after the caretaker arrived and we were allowed entry.

The climb. It was quite a climb to the top. I got pleased and at the same time fearful when Mama displayed her enthusiasm to go up the belfry. Pleased because I was really happy for her. It also made me realize she is really hungry for such adventures and I’m glad to have been given the opportunity to give that to her. Fearful because not only was the climb long, the stairs were real steep as well. Even I had a hard time maneuvering the stairs (especially in going down!) And of course there was her hypertension to consider.

On the way up, I kept reminding her to take her time and not to rush to the top. I assured her we had all day to conquer the bell and that she should not worry about her slow ascent. Of course we did not have all day but I can’t have her sick just because I was very much a stickler for time.

And then before I knew it, we were all on the top of the belfry. The bell was huge alright and the 360 angle view of Roxas was heavenly as well. I just got a bit concerned with Baby. The place wasn’t exactly “fall-proof” and it was quite a drop from there to the ground – a no-no place for a toddler who has boundless energy. So we made sure we always had a hand on him.

On our way down, I urged Bolo to make a donation. I urged him to make a bigger donation when I saw him take a bill of low denomination. I pointed out to him that we do not know when we will be able to come and visit the church again. That could very well be the only chance we get to make a donation.

We took a few more pictures of the church when we got down. Afterwards we headed back to downtown so we could catch our ride for Caticlan. Next stop – Boracay!

Some trivia: There are several bells at the belfry aside from the big bell. If I’m not mistaken, there were 9 bells in all. The caretaker told us that during special occasions such as weddings, all 9 bells will be rang and that the sound would be heard far and wide. Hmm… talk about declaring to the world that you’ve finally tied the knot : )

A Prayer

2008-07-22T02:09:00.002-08:00

I woke up and immediately urged Bolo to set up the laptop for me. So from bed, I went straight to the laptop and worked. The night before, I went straight from the laptop to bed as well. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. How could I not allot a little time for some morning prayer, just to express my gratitude for another day and to ask for blessings to help me through the day. And then it occured to me, if I make my work a loving sacrifice, then it'll serve as my prayer. If I make the hundred little things I do in a day, an offering to my God then the whole day would be filled with a hundred "little prayers" as well...

Not Some Faceless Stranger

2008-07-13T06:19:00.002-08:00

I feel my heart being torn to pieces. I feel a part of me has died. But then I also realized that it had slowly started to die a long time ago. I also know that while it may hurt me so now, it had to stop. And it had to stop now.

Bolo walked out along with a few of his possessions. It is nothing new. There were episodes in the past that it was I who did the packing and the walking away. However, I knew that this time, it is different. This time there is a finality to it. This time I know I wouldn’t be coming after him in a few days time telling him I don’t want him back really but I needed someone to look after baby while I go to work.

That often worked in the past. He would welcome the excuse and would “offer” to watch baby while I go to the office and would tell me he would just “walk away” when I get back. Only, there wouldn’t be “no walking away.” Oh, he would walk away but only to get his stuff from the shop or his father’s house and bring them back home. This time, I’m just not so sure I want to figure in the same episode anymore.

In truth, I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. What they really said is true – one should really be careful about what one wishes for, as you might just get it. For a few months now I’ve really been contemplating about just ending the relationship. The fights have been going on for so long I don’t know if I’d still have some self-respect left if I just let it go on and on and on.

Our is an abusive relationship. I never wrote about it before because I don’t know how to deal with it. Well, come to think of it, I never wrote about it because I’ve been so caught up in trying to deal with it my own way. And as far as this kind of thing goes, there’s no easy way to deal with it.

Foremost, I wanted to save the marriage. I want to make it work for our son’s sake. Baby’s so attached to Bolo that there are times he’d wake up in the middle of the night crying out his Tatay’s name. There was one time when I sent Bolo packing and Baby ran out of the room only to come back with his own set of shirts and threw it along his Tatay’s pile of clothes. That was enough to make me rethink my decision.

Second, there was attachment. Of course. Bolo and I have come a long, long way and it wasn’t always bad. There were good times too and when I think about those times I would be made to believe that there is still hope for us. That we could still work it out.

But Bolo is a basketcase. He's far too flawed for my inept attempt at playing psychologist-cum-counselor. While he does listen and make subtle attempts at changing himself, his conditioning is far too ingrained to be reversed by a few minutes of soul-searching and deep conversations.

And I’m far too flawed myself to be able to deal with his drama unconditionally. I’m far too attached, too close to the situation to be able to detach myself and deal with the whole situation objectively. My own set of drama’s often gets in the way. More often than not, I’m torn between trying to be understanding and patient and pinpointing to him what he did wrong and how he could better himself – to reacting strongly to the “injustice” and abuse he threw at me.

More often than not, I choose to react and play along with his drama. Meet his fire with my own fire. In our case, it’s not that one strives to be cold while the other is hot. Always, it’s hot temper versus steaming indignation. And that is why the fight often turns ugly. So in actuality, I do Bolo more harm than good. I only fuel his own rage, not help him deal with it.

And where is Baby amidst all of these? If before it is Baby that makes me want to hold on to the relationship, now it’s also because of Baby why I just want to let things be.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I deserve someone else, someone who would be returning my sacrifices and efforts in equal measure. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about that faceless someone who would be my equal, who would see my value and worth for what it is; someone who would also be worthy to receive the same value and regard from me.

Deserve. If it comes to that, Baby and I deserve to be loved in full measure. It doesn’t have to be a perfect love but the kind that strives to always better itself for the sake of the loved ones. I know and declare that Baby and I deserve respect and high regard. I wouldn’t want to settle for what is less than that.

A little while back, in a moment of weakness, I wished that it wouldn’t have to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to love someone else other than Bolo. I wouldn’t want some faceless someone to share with me and my son a good life somewhere down the road. I would still want it to be Bolo – tamed, and better schooled and equipped at loving. Such as I would be better schooled and equipped at loving someone stripped of my own expectations and drama.

Just hurry up Tay, work at yourself, Baby and I will be waiting…

Again

2008-07-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

I found Baby fast asleep on the bed and exhausted, I laid down next to him. His yaya was watching tv at the foot of the bed and I asked her what it was about. We were deep in conversation already when Baby stirred from his slumber, sat on the bed, looked at me in bewilderment and then just hugged me by my neck very tightly. I was so touched by his gesture I was teary-eyed. I hugged him back, trying to communicate to him that I missed him as much as he obviously missed me.

I’ve spent an overnight at the hospital. I’ve had my second miscarriage. Yes, again. I sensed Baby’s attachment to us his Tatay and Nanay ever since we got back from the trip that I really took care not to stay too long at the hospital. Unlike my previous experience wherein at the instant the doctor recommended for the D&C procedure I immediately had myself admitted, I begged my OB for a few more days. One, to attend to some work first and second, to soften the blow for Baby. Noticing how he clings to us these days I know that being away for three days and three nights would really be bad for him.

So I rode out the pain at home, endured the labor pangs up until I expelled what could have been another addition to our family. Having no medicines to sustain me this time, it was unexplainably painful. Almost as painful as I had with Baby before. Bolo and I were “scientific” about it at first, timing my contractions up to the last second but the pain got worse and worse up to a point when it was more intense and much more prolonged. At the latter stage it felt as is the pain would never stop that I was already crying from the sheer pain of it. Bolo was so concerned he scolded me for not going to the hospital much earlier.

I felt somewhat detached this time than I was the first time. But of course I'm still pained by all of it. I am still reeling from the loss of a promise, of a what-could-have-been. Of course I wanted this Baby, Bolo and I were looking forward to it. We were even excited to find out who it would resemble this time. We were hoping it would be a girl who looks exactly like me. I guess we'll never find out now, for sure...

Birthday Blog

2008-07-04T13:12:00.005-08:00

"You make me lie down
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."

Don Moen crooned at 5 am in the morning, a day before my birthday, and I just felt the tears fall down my face. I realized how true it is in my life. He indeed makes me lie down in green pastures and make me wanting for nothing. Because, I do not even have to beg and implore Him so much but everything I've ever wanted He makes possible in my life. And what made me cry really is the realization that I have nothing to offer in return.

In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.

I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.

With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.

This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...

And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.

But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Air Supply!!!

2008-06-27T15:08:00.004-08:00

We almost did not make it to the concert. The car wasn’t out of the shop yet since it had continuously rainethe past days they could not get the paint job done. So Bolo and I had to take the taxi. But then it rained so hard so it was difficult to hail one. We came to a point that we decided to take a jeep instead up until we get to an area where it’s easier to get a cab. And so that’s what we did. All of a sudden the jeep broke down. So Bolo texted a friend who offered us a ride earlier but whom we turned down since we wanted to make it to the concert on time. We had to wait a bit and I was growing anxious by the minute.

And we thought that was the end of our worries. When we got to the venue, guess what happened to us? They held us out at the entrance. We were refused entry since they said, the venue was already overloaded. I know I should have felt annoyed but I was really finding the whole thing very funny. It seems to me that I have again become the subject of amusement for the fates. If they think the whole thing would make me grow mad and irritated well, they are wrong. I’ve gone past feeling that when some mishaps occur. Even from way, way back.

One thing I learned, no amount of irritation, filling your head with negative thoughts, could change how things are. If anything, they could only drag you down. From early on, I already learned the value of “not” crying over spilled milk. Tears would be pretty useless anyway. They wouldn’t replace the milk that was spilled, for sure. So every time something like this happens, I would usually find the whole thing amusing. I’m picturing God laughing over me with a naughty glint in His eye and so I would return the gesture and that is by seeing the humor behind all of it.

Anyway, so there we were. It was quite an experience really. Since there were a lot of us refused entry, there was much commotion. Some feigned irritation at the guards. Some pretended to be really angry just to scare the guards to let us in. And we were running late already. I was relaxed though, awaiting how the entire experience would unfold. But finally we were allowed in.

Bolo and I raced towards the venue’s gates. Upon entrance, guess what was the first thing I heard? Russel Hitchcock’s voice crooning, “There’s a chance you will be there, please be there alone. Let me speak of love… The chances are too strong. The chance you will be there….” I was definitely floored and disappointed all at the same time. Air Supply singing that song in the concert was what I was looking forward to. It was my “favoritist” among all of their songs. I was disappointed because I had pictured so many times in my head that I will be seated there in the dark, having goosebumps all over me the instant I would recognize the intro of the song. That’s what happened to me when JFC sang, “Gone Too Far” during his recent concert here.

But the rest of the night sure made it up for me. We were awfully late. I was downhearted upon finding out that the concert started on time. They usually don’t and so I did not worry much about the delay we’ve encountered. But as it is, it seemed that the fates finally favored me. There were no more available seats but lo and behold, Bolo managed to secure us a spot directly opposite the stage. We weren’t that near but the visuals was really great, we were at almost the same level as the stage so it was pretty awesome. When both artists went down to the audience singing one of my favorites – “Here I Am,” I nearly fainted. I could not imagine for the love of me, how that could possibly happen. There they were, artists you listened to while growing up, you loved their songs, you played them all day long in your guitar, you buy their tapes and CDs and you love them, period. And there they were, and the possibility of touching them. Hah! What more could one ask?!

But of course I wasn’t able to touch them hehehe. Not Russel nor Graham but the thought of them giving such once in a lifetime experience to the number of fans out there who were lucky enough to touch them firsthand, was enough to overwhelm me. I was grateful for them and their experience. I could only imagine how they were feeling but I empathized so much I felt then that it was also happening to me. I was really kicking myself for not wanting such an experience for myself. I turned to Bolo and told him, it did not happen to me because I did not ask for it. But who would anyway? Who would have thought that an international artist such as them would be brave enough to go down to the audience and let them touch them? I’ve been to a number of concerts but that was the first time I witnessed an international artist do so.

The music was great. The concert was great. It was fun seeing persons of all ages filling the venue to the brim. Some were dressed to the nines, others very casually. At one point, Bolo and I were even surprised when a mother and her baby of about 1 year old joined us in our little nook. I mean, a baby, really?! She was on her socks still. Hehehe

I knew all songs by heart that at the end of the concert, I was hoarse from singing out loud. It was a great night. There was something dreamlike about seeing a band -- you only listened to in the past and was a great part of your life – first-hand. I can’t wait to have more of the same : )

"Dancer"

2008-06-23T23:55:00.004-08:00

The family went on a weekend vacation at Tatay Along’s place in Butuan last May. The kids, particularly Baby, had a field day. It’s Baby’s first visit to a farm and he was so delighted to see first-hand all those things he gets to read only in books. He particularly took a liking to a cute, little piglet that run about freely around Tatay’s yard. There was also a hen and her chicks, some dogs and cats. But what really excited him were the carabaos. And surprising enough, he calls them “dancer.”

For a month now I’ve really been wondering how he happens to associate the word, “dancer” with a carabao. Of course, I readily corrected him then, repeating again and again, it is a carabao. And soon enough he was calling it a carabao. But then after a while, when he’d see one, he’d point at it and would say, “Nanay, look, dancer.” And I was like, “Huh?” I could not for the love of me understand why the term. I was thinking he probably saw it in Disney Channel or in one of his cartoon shows. I even asked him about it if he saw a “dancing” carabao in Disney Channel but he just looked at me in a strange way as if asking himself if he’s Nanay had turned nuts on him wahehehe.

And then last, night, the puzzle was solved at last. I was really beside myself with laughter when Baby ran to me from the other room to show me the new pajamas his Lola Linda bought him. He came to me running, saying, “Nanay, dancer! Dancer!” And lo and behold, there it was, a pair of Carter pajamas with “DINOSAUR” prints on them! Hahaha! So that was what “dancer” was about. Baby mistook a carabao for a dinosaur! Hahaha! How cute of him. Dancer indeed!

I think it’s really cute how good Baby is with his animals and all of that. I think I’m also pleased with the fact that he takes interests in dinosaurs. I used to like them too when I was little but I did not have the patience to really know them all by heart. I knew a T-Rex though and that long-necked “vegetarian” kind, the name of which, escapes me at the moment. But other than that, I always confuse my “saurs” and my “clops,” whatever hehehe. Now, I’m thinking if it’s high time to buy baby those dinosaur books or cards with all the names on them. Wouldn’t want to put much pressure though where his learning is concerned.

Of course I want Baby to grow up smart and intelligent. We pray for that everyday. But I wouldn’t want to be the kind of Mom who forces things down my son’s throat just because I have such grandiose designs for him and his life. I would very much want to be the kind of Mom who would be sensitive enough to pay attention to his own rhythms and flow. I want to have an active part in his life – helping him along, “molding” him ever so carefully to help him achieve his full potential. At the same time, I want to be an attentive spectator, watching him, holding my breath as he unfolds right under my very eyes. I am excited to learn about his own personality, his own sanskaras and what his “message” would be in this world.

My son, all that he is, and all that he will be, is something that is far beyond my grasp or undoing. I maybe his mother and as such, is responsible for him in many ways but at the same time I acknowledge the fact that like me, he is also the Father’s “masterpiece.” God has His own plans and designs for him and that is something far beyond “me.” Controlling his life in the perspective of my own “grandiose” designs and illusions would be like committing a mortal sin. It would be like disregarding altogether the Hand that made all things be. And I pray that He will help me along on this -- to constantly remind me of this fact -- that I am just a ward, a guardian in my son’s life. I should lighten up a bit and not take my role as his mother too seriously. After all, I am not in control of everything. HE is.

"Credit"

2008-06-16T09:15:00.005-08:00

I sat at the edge of the bed, feeling a lot of emotions all at once. I was frustrated, disappointed, angry, and upset. It was one of those moments when I would ask myself whether I made the right decision for choosing Bolo to be my other “half.” Yup, there are definitely moments like that. One thing I learned about being married is that it isn’t everyday that you will feel thankful that you are married. Haha! Every now and then there are moments when I would ask myself what I was thinking the day I decided to get married. Haha!

It’s pretty much like climbing really. Right when you’re in the middle of an eight-hour long trek. Your shoes are heavy with mud; the trail is getting steeper and more difficult; and what was once a comfortable pack begins to weigh heavily down your shoulders and back. At that point you would certainly ask what made you forsake the comforts of your home and bed to haul yourself up to be in the middle of a mountain and endure hours and hours of walking while carrying not-so-few kilos on your back.

In mountaineering, however, past experiences would tell you that a glorious view at the peak would make all the sacrifices worth it. You knew that after the entire long, hard trek, the view at the top would make up for all that you’ve endured. Nothing sure beats the feeling of being up there, looking down in all of God’s creation. As long as one’s eye could see.

In marriage, well, it is a lifelong commitment, and a lifelong journey. This meant that the “peak” is nowhere around any immediate corner. One had to “travel” a lifetime before one reaches the peak. So who knows what awaits us there? What are the sights to behold? And what are the emotions that would course through us once we reach the summit of married life?

But I’m digressing again. I only wanted to write about a recent incident wherein Bolo and I fought again over a minute little detail. Sometime soon, to celebrate my birthday and our anniversary (and also to treat mama to a long overdue vacation), we are going on a family travel. Well, it had been a tradition of ours to travel at least once a year as a family. It is something we look forward to every year.

Anyway, I’ve been moving heaven and earth just to make sure everything would fit within our budget. Since this time, there wouldn’t just be the three of us. Mama, Janin and Mama Fely will be joining us. Having Mama and Janin meant additional expense of course. It meant extra air fare, extra terminal fees, extra bus fares and other incidentals. Not that I really mind it at all. If I could have my way, I’d bestow on Mama all the luxury that she truly deserves. But as it is, reality entails, Bolo and I could only afford so much.

So I’ve really been surfing the net overtime the past few months, looking for ways and options wherein we could save. I was lucky enough to have found a cheap accommodation due to some recommendation of a friend (Thanks Ruf! :)). Anyway, the reservation entails that I have to make a deposit to their Allied Bank account. Credit card would not do since there are additional charges.

Now, here’s why we quarreled. Bolo was set to go to Bankerohan for some ukay rendezvous. I had to be at the office the whole day. I had no time to flit off and go to the bank which is so totally out of the way. Allied Bank, however, is close to where Bankerohan is. So it makes so much sense to have Bolo go to the bank and make the deposit. But he would not.

There he was lying at the other side of the bed, covering his face with a pillow and like a spoiled child stubbornly told me he isn’t going to make the transaction. I was angry and felt so incredulous I swear I could have done something more than just seethe there in silence. No amount of cajoling would want him to do it. I tried drama by crying, appealing to his hopefully-present-merciful-side by pointing out to him that it’ll be much of an inconvenience for me. Then I tried bullying, trying to throw a fit just so he would agree to do it. When that did not work, I got rude and pointed out to him he only had to “deposit” and not bother about… well… looking for the funds to be deposited.

I’m not in the least proud of this. And this is certainly ugly but I was really disappointed that he refused to do it. That he wouldn’t mind if I had to go through all the hassles when he could do it himself. Anyway, finally getting ashamed of myself for having resorted to the lowest trick on the book, I tried diplomacy. I mustered all the patience I could get and assured him I’ll try my best to provide him with all the information he needed – the account details, the address, etc. I told him I would write everything so clearly so he wouldn’t have to commit a mistake.

Finally, I got to him and he stood up and stomped his way out of the bedroom muttering something to my face. It was a full sentence but all I could hear was the word, “credit.” It was hard to miss since he kept repeating the word. It was only when I followed him downstairs that I understood what he meant by “credit.”

I was lucky enough to have secured a deposit slip from Allied Bank since that is where Mama Fely keeps a checking account. I knew pretty well that his reluctance to do the transaction was Allied Bank being different from PS Bank and Banco De Oro. What both banks had in common is that he often transacts there for me. So he’s pretty much familiar with the forms and all that. Allied Bank, however, was a new one. Haaay. What is it with guys, anyway? Their being so scared about asking questions when they don’t know what to do about something? :p

I patiently explained to him that I already wrote down the account details of the hotel in the sample deposit slip. I pointed out to him, however, that since he’s making an inter-branch transaction, he’d probably be asked to fill up another sort of form. I reassured him that it shouldn’t bother him since all the details needed would be in the sample deposit slip. I reassured him there is nothing so scary about all of it actually and that he could always ask questions if ever he is unsure of anything. Then his reply totally made me smile. He told me in not so many words that yeah he is willing to do the transaction himself. What he is upset about is that his efforts would not again be “credited,” that it’s as if he did nothing at all. I was amused and sad all at the same time.

So that was what he meant by “credit.’ It saddened me to think that I’ve probably been not vocal about my appreciation for all the little things he did for me. Well, not as much as I’ve been so vocal about his “misdeeds” and shortcomings to me. In hindsight, our first year had seen me always vocal about my appreciation for him. I would often text him my “thank you’s” for taking care of our son, for his doing errands for my Mom. Come to think of it, “thank you’s” then were often exchanged between the two of us. I could distinctly recall a touching incident wherein Bolo turned to me and thanked me for bearing him his son… Now I wonder where all of that have gone to.

Have I become so petty? So shortsighted? Or is there also some “lack” in his part that made me become one? Was it the “injectibles”? Post-partum blues? Stress? Feeling of discontent? Or all of the above? I think these are things that I ought to seriously think about. If there is one thing I learned from the incident it is that appreciation sure could go a long, long way in any relationship. It will always be a good company to keep rather than constant fault-finding and petty quarrels over nothing that serious really. Ah, this, I should keep in mind. Always.

Circle of Fire...of Life...

2008-06-10T23:24:00.003-08:00

We were all huddled in a circle, discussing all sorts of issues on "development." We are in a meeting organized by a foreign-funded development agency. All participants there, myself included, are partners of that agency. Most of us have projects in partnership with them while some just have concluded projects with them.

Everyone was candid, airing out their sentiments outright, openly sharing their views and ideas. While we were making comments on how things could still be improved, it was not in a criticizing manner. Everything was treated objectively. In fact, it was very glaring that everyone there was not intent about just making criticisms but on how things could be better for the smooth implementation of projects. The focus was on how the projects will be delivered to the "beneficiaries" (or as pointed out during the meeting, the politically correct term would be, "partners") the best and fastest, possible way. The stress was on the importance of meeting their needs and addressing important developmental issues. The sincerity of everyone present really struck me. Everyone's candidness imply the fact that these people are indeed serious about working for development and not just being there for monetary reasons alone. Well, I've had some experiences on the latter...

We were intent on our discussion when the feeling of dejavu hit me. I felt myself floating and for a while a vision of the same circle but in another more primitive time drifts in and out of my mind. In the vision, we were huddled close to a bonfire, also engrossed in some sort of conference. I smiled at the vision, noting its possibility.

The activity served a reunion of sorts for most of us. Old classmates, past collegues, members of the same network in the past quite eagerly made a "reconnection" then, rekindling old fires, reminding everyone of one's passion about development that have somehow ebbed over the years. For a moment I thought that day's activity was like a gathering of sorts in a waterhole, for some tired soul warriors to refresh themselves and replenish their weary selves after spending years and the most part of their lives working for Mindanao.

I sat there and I began to re-examine my recent pre-occupation about uprooting my family and moving on to some country to start our lives anew. I must admit I am being pulled in opposite directions nowadays. And I'm afraid the fire that used to light my spirit -- that had been the constant barometer for my decisions in the past -- would sometimes waver when I think about certain realities such as my son's future and my immediate family's direction in life.

I've had, had opportunities to get into some really serious conversations during lull moments at the meeting and at one point I felt an affirmation when I heard someone say, "Now I feel it's high time I think about working for my family and not just for Mindanao. Now, the kids are growing up, and demanding more time from me. I think it's high time that I start thinking for myself..."

I'll always be inlove with Mindanao. For some reason, I feel a special connection to this place. In my youth, I have known right away that my talents and gifts would be for Mindanao and not for some place else. I was never lured by the promises of great wealth and a more comfortable life that being in another country offers. I knew then where my passion lay and I was deadset about it. Up until now. During one of those conversations, I shared how I find it ironic how simple everything was to me in the past when my preoccupation had been that of the macro-perspective -- working for peace and development in Mindanao. Now, that I am forced to look into the micro-details of my life -- being a Mom and a wife -- I found out it's more complicated and time-consuming and more detail-oriented. There are just too many at stake where the latter is concerned. But yeah, I love both aspects of my life now.

If I could have my way, I'd love to chance upon a great windfall of money, where I could continue to work for my passion while at the same time be sure that my family and son will be well-provided for. For sure, I would like to bequeth to my son this passion I have about Mindanao. It's one unique quality that I love about myself and I would like to share that with him. I long for the day when I would be able to tag him along in one of those great causes for Mindanao. I long to teach him about peace, about love for nature, and for a heritage that is so rich but so unfortunately torn by so much unrest. I love my son dearly in the same way that I am so passionate about this land I call "home." I would love for him to share the same passion.

John Ford Coley!!!

2008-05-17T19:23:00.002-08:00

I sat there in the darkness feeling a lot of things all at the same time. I felt excited, exhilarated, and happy to be where I was while another part of me was transported to another time. I felt being pulled by memories of high school days wherein some of my classmates and I would just spend hours listening to music.

We were such a happy bunch. Being on the “honor class” meant we were all (well, at least trying to be) serious about learning and studying. But, our thirst for knowledge was in no way only limited to our textbooks or the four corners of our classroom. We were also very passionate about a lot of things. This includes the arts, music. I remember how we would also excel in extracurricular activities – winning caroling contests, speech competitions, with our representatives emerging champions in quiz bees, spelling bees and all that stuff.

Last night, listening to John Ford Coley croon and sing songs reminiscent of that time, I grew nostalgic. I wished my former classmates were there with me to watch the concert. In high school, we would spend hours crouching on our karaoke unit playing tapes. England Dan and John Ford Coley were just two of them. We were crazy about the Bread too, Air Supply, the Beatles Lobo, New Wave, Spandau Ballet, 70’s hits, even the 60’s… Our music preferences were pretty broad and varied. There were also moments when we’d take to rock music.

But it was England Dan and the Bread that I remember the most distinctly. We knew the lyrics by heart. We would exchange tapes, listen to them on hours end. At home, I would practice playing them on my guitar. I know I’ll never be as good as David Gates or JFC but being able to play and finish their songs were one of my happiest moments then. Until now I listen to them. They were among the very first CDs I bought for my collection.

Remembering all of these things made me grateful last night. I was grateful for the fact that I grew up in such kind of environment. I felt grateful for the persons that surrounded me then. I felt grateful for the kind of friendships and relationships forged then, something we still keep until now. I felt that we were all so lucky to be growing up in such a “right” environment.

Teen-age life is a crazy moment in any individual’s life. Everything is just so confusing. At this period we are still trying to define who we are, and what we really want to be. We get obsessed about fitting in, being normal, that we would take on anything to be ours or identify ourselves with all sorts of things. All, in our effort to find ourselves. I am grateful that even in this crazy time, I was surrounded with persons who have such great souls – intelligent, smart, engaging, interesting, a bit crazy at times but generally with a good head over their shoulders. We never got into experimenting with alcohol or drugs or anything of the sort.

But back to the concert last night, when JFC sang “Make it with You” I was definitely floored. I felt like swooning, cannot believe my good fortune. There I was thinking also of David Gates and the Bread and there was JFC playing and singing one of their songs that’s also a favorite of mine.

It was a magical night alright. The show was great. It could still be better if it had been longer and if he’d played all of their songs but yeah, I was very grateful for the experience and the fact that I was able to witness him sing first hand. I wish I could lend do this blog the magical feeling I got last night every time JFC would get into one of his intro’s. The crowd would cheer each time, recognizing the songs just by their intro’s alone. I know like me, they were also probably remembering some earlier times in their lives when everything is so simple, so innocent, so pure and true. Ah, last night was simply magical.

Siblings

2008-05-16T04:32:00.000-08:00

It’s 3:57 A.M. I’ve been awake since 3:00 A.M. And ever since, I’ve been texting my sister-in-law who’s due to give birth anytime now. She said she couldn’t sleep since the baby has been moving a lot since 1 in the morning. Being a first time Mom, she doesn’t really know what to expect so anything slight of the ordinary already worries her. The fact that she turns to me first hand is something I appreciate. And as always, I’m glad to be of help any time.

In a way I pity her. Her mom is out of the country, so she lacked that kind of support. It’s always good to have one’s mom around in a time like this. Even if only to make you feel there is someone you can count on, someone who had been there, gone through the experience of giving birth. I remember in my case before, I would listen intently every time Mama would tell me how it was with her when she was pregnant with me. She told me I’m a lot luckier since I did not have any vomiting phase or any difficulty while pregnant. Well, I guess being active and vegetarian helped.

I’m thinking now, I really feel a certain fondness towards this sister-in-law of mine. She had always been solicitous and kind to me ever since. Well, it’s refreshing to me since I never really had a sister. I’m close to my cousins but we were all really too cooped up with our respective lives while growing up that we never really had the time to just bond with each other. There was the age difference to consider really and my female cousins who are around my age are living far away too. I grew up mainly around my uncles (Papa’s younger brothers) and my male cousins.

Anyway, I remember feeling surprised to have the hubby’s siblings take to me from day 1. They were simply, accepting… nope, welcoming I think is the more apt word. It was also a surprise to me how they are to each other. Loren or Cristina would be at the farthest end of the city from where we are but they would always oblige their Kuya who would ask them to go home and fetch something for him. Bolo is also the same. It would be 4 am in the morning but he would drag himself out of bed to go to his sister living at the other side of the city who needed to borrow a back pack for an early out-of-town trip. And you wouldn’t hear any word of complaint or misgiving. They just do it automatically. And that generosity they have for each other was also extended to me. From day 1. Imagine that.

I guess that’s what I missed – growing up around siblings. Niño and I are six years apart and as different as night and day in preferences. Our needs are different too so there was never really any instances wherein we needed something from each other. And we always did fight. I’m the perfectionist Ate, always expecting something outstanding from a younger sibling. I was strict, always nagging him to shape up, be more diligent, be a better student, be a more thoughtful son to Mama.. I think I was overly critical of him while growing up.

There was a time when I was much older that I regret being like that to him. I was young, too caught up with the drama of sibling rivalry – jealousy is more like it – to really be the more loving Ate that I should have been. Well, I was also kind to him of course. I wasn’t always the monster Ate. But it was only when I was much older that I shifted into the role of the loving, nurturing and caring older sibling.

I would always worry about him and always try to be more inclusive. I would always urge him to join me in some of my trips but he would always decline. Mountaineering was never his cup of tea. Basketball was his passion. And I guess he was also at the stage wherein he prefers to be with his friends than with family. He was always out of the house that I was tempted to build him a room right next to the basketball court.

In the last few years, especially following his failed marriage, I was the much better ate who was always solicitous around him. At this time, I knew better. I have already learned enough to know the real value of relationships.

I am just truly grateful that I was given that time, that period wherein I was able to show Niño how much I value him. At that time also he was more open to me. He would openly ask me for favors, to buy him some stuff and all that. And I always felt the urge to oblige no matter what. So that is why.

I just truly wish though that I had matured in that aspect of my life much sooner than I did. I think of all the wasted time being the strict Ate when I could have been more loving towards him. But I have also learned to forgive myself. I was young, too hurt, too caught up with my own drama about being unwanted by my parents thus their need to adopt. I did not know any better. Thank God I woke up from the drama in time to be able to make up for all the time that was lost…

Truly, God gives second chances. We just have to be more sensitive and more awake to be able to recognize it for what it is and be able to make the most out of it. I think it’s a tragedy when one is being given a second chance and just did not know it. Because sometimes, that’s all we’ve got. There wouldn’t be any third or fourth chances… So my advice to everyone, life is too short. Let us spend it to be more loving towards the persons around us no matter how unloving they may be. Let us be less critical, less judgmental… In the end, it is always the love that matters. When someone close to you dies, you don’t think about everything that s/he owed you but what you owe that person… Hug the people around you now, draw them close. You’ll never know when you’d lose them.

Italian Food, Anyone?

2008-05-13T00:17:00.001-08:00

I truly love Italian food. I crave it, I want to cook it, want to share it with friends and loved ones. And, I wouldn't mind eating it everyday hehehe the pictures of the previous post were taken during one of those pasta and pizza rendezvouz with candy and her spouse at Pizza Hut. I'm posting some more pictures of that here.

The day before we "remembered" Lola Dicta's birthday, Bolo and I also whipped up a batch of pasta with mussels. Really yummy! We remembered the day Candy cooked us some and felt a craving for it. Candy's version had Alavar Sauce though. Yummy! in our case, we always prepare it with the shells on, its broth and just a little hint of tomato sauce. Some basil and lots of pepper too =) Posting some of the pictures over here as well. Hmm... now, I'm craving for some pasta : (

Fan

2008-05-12T19:34:00.006-08:00

I was watching a rerun of Oprah while Baby and Janine were doing their usual “concert” performance. To serve as their microphone, Baby was holding on to an empty bottle of perfume while Janine, a stick of some sort. Typical of them, they were singing spiritedly, jumping all over the place and almost shouting the house down. Twice, I had to shush them up because I could hardly hear what I was “watching.” They would only settle down for a while and then they would be at it again.

After a while, something funny really happened. Baby was using the sofa as his stage. I was sitting cross-legged on a folding bed I had set up next to the sofa, intent on what I was watching and not really paying attention to Baby. Suddenly, Baby called out to me and extended his hand to me. I looked at him perplexed. He was muttering something but I still did not understand what he wanted from me.

Mama, who saw the whole thing, laughingly told me Baby wanted me to shake his hand as if I’m a fan of him. Mama said he did the same thing to her earlier. True enough when I shook his hand, he continued singing then after a while broke off and again extended his hand to me. Mama and I were laughing the whole time. It was so cute and amusing at the same time. Mama and I guessed he got it from watching TV. It was really so cute of him.

Yesterday was mother’s day and watching Baby and his antics these days is driving home the point to me that while motherhood is such a daunting responsibility, there are moments such as earlier that makes me feel that it is all worth it. I am thinking, Baby does not need to extend his hand to me, I would always be his number one fan, no matter what.

He’s so smart. At two, he knows a handful of nursery rhymes already, knows his animals and his alphabets. Yesterday, Nonon, a cousin came to visit and brought cake for the matriarchs in the family. Baby was reading his books and Nonon was confusing him, calling the animals all by the wrong names. I felt indignant, urging my cousin to stop since he might only confuse Baby. The irritation I felt however was soon replaced by mirth when Baby confidently “argued” with his Tatay-Ninong that the “zebra” he was referring to was actually a “giraffe.”

It wasn’t his getting the names right that amused or truly pleased me. It was the confidence he displayed. He felt so sure he was right and he very blatantly told a person much, much older than he is that he was wrong. It was the “spirit” that he displayed that totally floored me. Now, if that is not enough reason to make me Baby’s number one fan, I don’t know what else will. Well, to be honest, Baby only had to turn to me with his bright, beaming face and that would be reason enough : )

To all my cousins, aunts, friends and loved ones, Happy Mother's Day to you! : )

For Gladys (On Karma)

2008-05-07T00:34:00.003-08:00

I could tell you a hundred things about the philosophy of karma and of God's love as well. God will never wish anything bad to fall on you no matter how long you have "ignored" Him. He is above reproach. He, after all, is God.

"Bad" things, however, happen to our life for one reason or another... And one could say it is "karma." But karma is a lot more deeper than your being "punished" for whatever wrong you've done or committed in the past. Karma is a Hindu or a Buddhist "concept." If you translate it in simple terms, it really is just a case of "cause and effect" -- what you sow, you reap. Our universe is designed that way. You plant a seed of an apple and you will naturally grow an apple tree, not a mango tree. In other words, if you sow good deeds then good deeds and good things also come back to you, whether you like it or not. So there is also such a thing as "good" karma.
Colloquially, "karma" is always seen in "negative" terms. That is why if something bad befall us, we would readily think that maybe it is "karma." In truth, anything good happening in our lives is karmic as well. It just so happens that it is "good" karma.

I feel for you and all that you've been through. You've worked so hard for all those things you've lost, not to mention some of them have sentimental value. But I am happy too that you've realized that revenge is not the way to go. It will, in fact, just accumulate more "bad" karmic account for you. It's not always easy to deal with loss, whether it's the loss of material posessions or of loved ones but it won't help things any if you go out there and wish ill on the person/s who were responsible for such a loss. You we're right. Better to pray for them instead.

Cheer up and move on =) If anything, let us be thankful that it were material posessions you've lost and not any of your lovedones. The former you can still find and accumulate while the latter... It's important that you let go of those possessions, not with a heavy heart. Forgive and be grateful that you we're not there when it happened and could have been hurt in the process. For sure, in time, you will earn back all you've lost and even more.

AMOC Reunion of Sorts

2008-04-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

Stephen celebrated his birthday yesterday. It has been a while since Bolo and I have been with the AMOC’s. It was fun seeing some of the guys there since not everyone was present. There was a moment when I grew nostalgic of the old days, especially after Renee and Bambie called to talk with everyone there.

Churchill talked to Bolo and Stephen about going on a climb in a few week’s time. I entertained the thought of being a part of it. But let’s see :)

Sweet Baby

2008-04-29T18:59:00.002-08:00

Everyone’s been saying lately that Baby is turning out to be such a naughty, little boy. I would very much want to argue but then looking at that ever-present mischievous gleam in his eyes, I am beginning to fear that such might be the case. In truth, Baby is so playful, and such a tease. More often than not, he sports this impish grin, like a warning sign telling you he is up to no good and that pretty soon you’ll be a victim of one of his tricks.

At two years old, Baby is such a bundle of energy, so full of life and mirth. In fact, I always feel rejuvenated arriving at home from work and hearing him squeal in delight – “Nanay!” It’s as if seeing me home after being away all day marks the highlight of his day. Well, I could say the same thing, seeing him after a hard day’s work is something I always look forward to.

Hmm… naughty… maybe Baby is indeed that. But I would also like to say that there is more to him than just that. Yesterday, we were on our way to Mama Fely’s place from Empress when we had a flat tire near Ateneo. Good thing it was a Sunday so there wasn’t much traffic. The bad thing is, most of the shops are practically close so it took Bolo quite a while to find one, and had our tire fixed. By the time he had taken cared of the whole thing, he was practically drowning in sweat. So when he sat down beside me to start driving, I patted him on his forehead and expressed my pity for all the trouble that he had to go through. Then to our surprise, Baby got so excited. He jumped from my lap and turned to Mama who was sitting at the back and said, “Lola! Lola! Panyo! Handkerchief!” Mama then gave him one.

The scene that followed practically floored all of us. Baby, climbed back to my lap, stood up next to the shift gear, reached out to his Tatay with the handkerchief, and then very carefully patted the sweat out of his Tatay’s forehead. It was so sweet of him that I felt the sting of tears. I was so touched that at two years old, Baby already had the initiative to do what he just did. For the love of me, I could not fathom how he came up with the idea to look for a handkerchief to wipe his Tatay’s sweat. Was that “sanskara” as well? If so then Baby really is such a sweet, sweet soul. Naughty or not, Baby would always be a sweet Baby to me for every little gesture that he does that tells me that he is.

I first became aware of Baby’s thoughtfulness one morning when him and his Tatay drove me to the office. Several mornings before that, he and I would always have a discussion brought about by his insistence to go to the office with me. I always had to explain to him that Nanay has to work and that I could not take him with me. But that morning, the moment the car turned at the corner marking the road leading to my office, he turned to me, kissed me by the cheek and said, “Bye, Nanay. Ingat ha? Ingat ha?” (Bye Nanay, take care...)

In an instant I felt the tears come. I was so touched by his gesture that I was loathe to get off the car. For a while I wished he had again insisted on going with me. Walking away would have been a lot easier. That morning, I had to drag my feet off the car and walk towards the office. I felt the desire so strong to just remain where I was and spend the whole day with my son.

Moments such as these make me truly grateful. Grateful for the fact, that I was so blessed to have such a happy, well, naughty, but a sweet Baby as well. I couldn’t ask for any other son. Thank you, Father God.

Night Out with Friends

2008-04-24T19:32:00.003-08:00

It was Rochelle’s birthday yesterday and she happens to be in town with her family. She had some work engagement. We agreed to watch a movie in the evening. She’s bringing Benzon along. Candy will also be with Archie. Bolo and I had been discussing watching the same movie over the weekend. And since there was the opportunity, we agreed to watch it last night instead.

But, we very nearly did not make it to the movie. Candy had a sprained ankle and was having second thoughts about going. It turned out also that Mama was stuck at Empress with Baby and Janin. So Bolo and I had to go all the way there just to fetch them.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Bolo and I were able to catch up with them in the middle of the movie. So it meant we would have to linger and catch the last full show. Last full show – that does not sound appealing at all but knowing that Candy came despite her hurt ankle -- just to show Rochelle we want to be with her on her birthday -- I find it shameful not to show up.

“The Forbidden Kingdom” which starred both Jet Lee and Jacky Chan is not “Crouching Tiger.” Neither it is a “Hero” of sorts but it was a good movie as well. I enjoyed watching it. I also enjoyed the time spent with Rochelle and Candy catching up and making future rendezvous plans with Lourdes and Jeni who were both unable to join us that night.

It turned out that Candy and Archie stuck it out with us. Rochelle and Benzon already went ahead since they also wanted to catch the early trip to Butuan. Half-way through the last full show though, Candy was already dozing off beside me. I pitied her and told her she did not have to wait for us. She told me Archie wanted to watch the movie for the second time.

By the time we got out of the cinema, we were all too sleepy to even think about going somewhere to eat. It was straight home for all of us. We were that tired and sleepy. In our case, home meant going all the way to Empress. Bolo and I were so tempted to look around for accommodations in Davao downtown area. But of course we were also very eager to go home and check on Baby and have him lie close to us. So close I’d feel his breath on my shoulders. It’s like having a taste of heaven here on earth :)

Happy Birthday Rochelle! Wishing you all the best! :) See you soon!

Streams of Consciousness

2008-04-23T18:24:00.001-08:00

Bolo and I watched a little TV last night, trying to get ourselves tired enough to go to sleep. A game show was on. It had something to do with music – karaoke style. The contestants had to guess the lyrics of the songs. Their genre was pretty varied – foreign and local artists, oldies to current hits. And that’s when the realization struck me big time – noticing the difference in the songs of the past to that of the most recent ones.

I’ve noticed that the lyrics and the themes of the songs of the past revolved on something “pure,” and unadulterated like deep love for a significant other, for parents, for one’s son or daughter. Most of the songs were about hope, enduring faith… about values.

Compare that to today’s songs? What do you get? You get to hear about violence, lust, children hating their parents, getting a boob job, a nose job.. You get to hear about hatred, disgust, discontent… I’m not saying though that it applies to all of the songs these days. Of course there are also those of love, commitment and other values.

Still, it’s a bit disconcerting realizing how too much of the “bad stuff” are being proliferated in today’s media. Music, just like any art, to me is a stream of consciousness wherein the soul finds a way to communicate the truth and wisdom it holds. If today’s music is that of hatred, of lust, what does that tell us about the consciousness that’s prevailing these days?

I’m thinking, here we are we sit at home, with the kids right beside us and we watch while barely-clothed ladies gyrate their hips to songs that have very “suggestive” lyrics. Some might even find the song “amusing,” not realizing that that’s what we are feeding the minds of our youth these days. For me, I always find it alarming seeing parents encouraging and praising their children who are mimicking the “sexy” dancing they see on TV. Other parents find it “amusing” as well. To me, there is nothing amusing about it at all. Far from it.

Ah, I long for the day back when my lola would croon to me songs about deep love and commitment. The kind of love that one takes to the grave and even thereafter, not today’s kind that would bloom and end within the span of a week.

I find it sad and alarming noticing how these days we are not only polluting our rivers and seas but our streams of consciousness as well. What kind of world and future are we shaping our sons and daughters in?

Of Baby Bottles

2008-04-18T15:51:00.002-08:00

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I find it very ironic coming across the piece of news above since Bolo and I have just recently bought a glass feeding bottle for Baby. When we watched the movie the other night, we arrived at the cinema quite early so I urged Bolo that we buy Baby’s bottle first.

He is already down to just two with the rest giving way to the usual wear and tear. And it was quite a waste of time and energy having to constantly clean and sterilize them every time we ran out of using both bottles. Resolute about buying glass bottles this time, I stayed away from the really cute and way cheaper bottles available.

It’s unbelievable how many choices are there available these days in the market – Elmo feeding bottles, Winnie the Pooh rubber head in lieu of the usual plain looking bottle cap... You name it, they have it. They look real cute though that in the past, buying bottles would take me so much time. Everything is just so cute that I would linger over my choices.

Last night though, our choices were down to just two – a 5 oz. Pigeon feeding bottle or Chicco which had both 5 oz and 8 oz sizes. Just two since they were the only brands selling glass bottles. Now, why “glass”? Well, with all the talk about hot water on plastic and the possible hazards it poses on children’s health, I guess I am willing to stretch my budget some more.

Paying 450 pesos for an 8 oz bottle, however, is really doing quite a stretch. On the average, “good” plastic bottles could cost around 150 pesos. This already includes the cutsy ones with cartoon character heads for caps. So it’s really like paying 300 hundred pesos more which is already a lot these days. But I guess any mother is willing to pay more where the health of our little ones is concerned.

If Only's

2008-04-17T21:43:00.001-08:00

I knew a moment’s weakness earlier looking at some old pictures taken during one of those family trips. Niño was glaringly absent from the pictures. And I felt as if my heart was being torn to pieces remembering the reason for his absence. Mama simply thought it not important to include him. Well, it was a sudden plan and him being all the way at Empress it was much of a hassle having to go all the way there and inform him. (He had a cell phone before but lost it.) We were also taking the van and were afraid with all of us going, there just might not be enough space left.

It had always been like that. I would have to constantly push to include Niño in our trips. Mama sees it as not that important. To me, it had always been important. No matter how “short” or “insignificant” the gathering may be. He is, after all, family also.

I remember how after my wedding, with most of the “clan” being there, on spur of the moment we decided to go visit Aunty Artem’s place in Makilala. We wanted to visit a nearby hot spring resort there as well. I had to urge Mama to move heaven and earth just so Niño could also come along. Good thing he was indeed able to come.

I also remember how I had to fight for Niño’s place as one of the groom’s men during my wedding. Mama thought it much of a hassle having to mind for his Barong and the other stuff he needs on top of the things that needed our attention for the wedding. To me, it was out of the question. Hassle or not, Niño is my only sibling after all. And I don’t see why I would have to bother about the other groomsmen’s barongs and not his. I’d be more than glad to fuss over him than the others.

I remember feeling irritated then why I still had to point this out to Mama. But of course I understood her too. To her, it’s a triviality but to me, it’s an opportunity to make a family member feel he is part of the family. What is a little hassle compared to the opportunity to make someone you love feel that he is important and loved?

I just find it ironic how we always take things like that for granted. We tend to forget that sometimes little gestures such as this counts a lot. True, it might prove to be such a hassle but isn’t it always like that? We wouldn’t mind going through all the hassles, all sorts of sacrifice for a loved one?

I know during all those instances, Mama took it for granted that there will always be next time, next trips that Niño could come and join us without our having to go through all the hassles. To her, it’s just a short trip. We won’t be sleeping over. I’m sure for her, it’s okay for Niño to miss on all of that. I mean who would have thought that Niño would only be lent to us for such a short time? And that there will be no more other trips, other next time with him around?

I guess I’m crying for the missed opportunities, for the times we could have exerted more effort to give him the comfort and the convenience that we could have given him if only we knew then that we will lose him much sooner than we thought. I think I mourn for all those times we could have spent with him but only we did not for one reason or the other. Looking back, remembering the length of time he spent living at Empress alone, I cry for the sheer folly of it. How we wasted all those time living apart when we only have but a little time to spend with him.

A part of me is angry why I haven’t been more forceful, more pushy to make things happen then. And also, to instill in Mama the value of seizing every moment. Ever so often she and I get into some kind of misunderstanding. For a number of times I’ve been urging her to take trips with us. And more often than not such conversations would end up in arguments with both of us not accomplishing anything but hurt each other’s feelings.

To me, she is such a “kill joy.” Instead of warming up to the idea she would just point out to me there are far more important things to “throw” my money on. She would tell me I should rather save the money or pay in full my credit card bills, etc. etc. She would always tell me that I’m very wasteful, could think of nothing but just “fun” and not being wise about money.

I know to her, I’m probably being foolish, thinking only of today and not saving for tomorrow or for the rainy days to come. There might be some truth in that but still, I also think the present is very important. We could not just live our lives always thinking about what is to come. After all, who knows what the future will bring?

Look where did that get us? I feel that we missed out on a lot of things because she is so fearful about a lot of things also; being too preoccupied about the future; or simply being pessimistic. I keep wondering now if she would have acted differently then had she known we would lose Papa and Niño so early on? Would she have made some allowances for time, planned for more trips, see to it that we spend more time together? Because I know I would have.

Earlier, Bolo and I got into a misunderstanding owing to one of his moods again and I felt myself resenting him. I resented the fact that I’ve shared more things and opportunities with him than I’ve had with my brother. I find it ironic especially noting that my brother and I had gone a long, long way than Bolo and I did. I just felt that I did Bolo more favors than I did my brother. And yet here he is, causing me more pain than my brother ever did. I know it’s not good to feel this way at all but I do acknowledge that I feel it now. And I know I also had to honor such feelings.

Just But a Tiny Speck (On Parenthood and Gratitude)

2008-04-15T22:05:00.005-08:00

Last night, some sense of pride and contentment washed over me as I watched Baby strut (he does strut, believe me hehe to me, it implies the fact that Baby has some healthy dose of self-confidence :)) his way out of the cinema. It’s his first time to watch a movie at the big screen. I have had my misgivings, after all he’s only a little over 2 years old. I wouldn’t want him traumatized in any way. I don’t know what being inside a huge, dark place, confronted by large images and loud sound would do to Baby.

Prior to watching the movie, I’ve tried to prepare them as best as I could. Janin was there too and it was her first time as well. But she’s already 5 years old so I’m a little less worried where she is concerned. I tried not to entertain thoughts of them both cowering in the darkness or crying out loud, begging to go out. I wouldn’t want that to happen.

To prepare them, I told them that the place we are going to is dark. I told them that over and over just so they would not be shocked upon entering the theater. I told them also that we are going to watch some cartoons but it’s going to be on a very large T.V. Baby was nodding his head the whole time (which was really cute) but I still had my doubts as to whether or not they fully understood what I mean.

The ticket cost 70 pesos each and there were four of us. It was quite costly. But I know we are paying for the experience (Baby and Janin’s) more than the movie itself so in my mind we were actually getting a bargain. I just hoped though that it would indeed be a nice experience for the both of them. And it was! :) And how happy I was. Back at the car on our way home, I couldn’t stop expressing my thank you’s for the experience, for Baby’s being able to take it all in really well, for having the money to watch the movie, etc. I said that while I cradled Baby on my lap. I want to instill in him the value of gratitude this early on. It had become a ritual for both of us every time I feel we have something to be thankful for.

Those are just “little” things true but I just feel that we take these things for granted a lot of times that we miss out on the chance to allow ourselves some “little” scenarios of happiness as well. True, watching a movie might be a common thing to most of us but for some out there, it is totally a luxury. Others don’t even have enough food to eat. This was impressed upon me further when Bolo and I stopped by a gasoline station to gas up.

Bolo noticed this little boy crossing the street on his own, unmindful of the vehicles speeding his way as well. Bolo pointed this out to me and wondered out loud where the “father” of the kid was. I was as concerned as he was but it also caught my fancy how he readily looked for the “father” and not the mother. I wondered a bit if it was a male thing. Bolo readily thought of the father since the role being in question is that of being the protector. It was just a little remark from him but it taught me a great deal about how he thinks on these matters. It also made me wonder about my own reaction. Who would I readily seek out – the mother or the father? Most likely, I’ll ask where the “parents” of the kid are. Taking care of our children after all is a shared responsibility.

Anyway, when the boy came close to Bolo’s window, Bolo lectured him about the danger of crossing the street. He asked the kid where his father was. (I rolled my eyes at this point wondering why it had to be the father hehehe) The kid was asking for money but we did not give him any. That’s when Bolo saw another kid close by doing the same thing. They must have been friends or siblings. So that was why they were there. They were out, risking themselves so they could have money. Hopefully, it is for food and not for something else. They seem to look like they just turned 5 or 6 years old. Bolo and I looked at each other and I told him we really have to take good care of ourselves since we could not leave Baby in such a state. God forbid!

It was an interesting night, another one of those that made me realize I truly have a lot to be thankful for. The movie we watched, by the way, was “Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who!” which was interesting in itself. It was cartoons but I sat there, convinced that the context and the theme with which the whole movie revolves on would best be understood by adult audiences. It is a reminder that there are times that we take things or ourselves too seriously when for all we know, we could just be a tiny speck sitting on a flower being held by a lovable elephant named Horton. :)

Daydreaming

2008-04-09T18:39:00.003-08:00

For five days straight I've been glued to my bed, bogged down by a real bad case of flu. I tried to report to work last Tuesday but only ended up calling Hubby to come and fetch me. I know I should have been happy finally getting a break and getting a well-needed rest. But nah! There’s a big difference about lazing all day under the shade, book in one hand and a fruity drink on the other than lying in bed, wheezing and sneezing your way to your last roll of tissue. Not to mention to have a humungous head ache to boot.

Today, the fever is gone though I’m not completely healed yet. I still have a bit of a cold and the occasional cough but thank God gone are the aching limbs and joints that I endured for several days. So right now, I sit here dreaming about having the chance to truly enjoy summer – take a trip with the family probably on some beach escapade or some mountain getaway. I’m so eager to get out of the house that even the thought of checking into one of the Davao Hotels downtown is proving to be very appealing. Haaay, I couldn’t wait to finally get better.

I am Yours

2008-03-24T17:00:00.004-08:00

You Are Mine by David Haas

I was feeling sorry the whole day because I left my flash disk in the car and I had wanted to listen to my Don Moen songs. I was a bit tired and I wanted to start the week right. Without being really conscious about it, I've been humming the above song while working.

It had become a personal favorite since the first time I heard it during a Mass I attended at Redemptorist Church. It was sung during the communion and I just felt the tears come at the end of the song with the words, "I love you and you are mine..." Since then I look forward to hearing and singing it again in church.

Having stumbled upon the song today sure is a good thing. An officemate posted it over at her multiply. I feel as if the song sought me as I sought it. I guess that's how it really is in life -- one just have to be clear in your mind as to what it is you really want and that very thing you seek will in turn seek and find you.

Family and friends, please find the time to view and listen to the video. It'll be worth your while, promise.

Remembering

2008-03-23T01:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Bolo watched a program on TV on the life of Jesus, -- from His childhood to His death and resurrection. I was happy that he stuck with it till the end. Having Bolo very interested on the story of Jesus certainly made me very happy. I remember I had to coax him just to watch “The Passion of Christ” with me a few years ago.

His “spiritual formation” is “complex.” Well, sort of. His parents were Catholic and so he was baptized as one. His stepmother was Catholic also so he grew up going to Sunday masses as well. When he was in High School though, his uncle took him “under his wing.” They belong to another sect. Bolo attended services and Bible studies with his uncle and eventually got “baptized.”

There are times when Bolo and I don’t agree on certain things when it comes to faith. When I urged him to watch “The Passion,” he told me he could not understand why it had to be retold again and again. He said he could not understand why we had to repeat the same prayer all over again. He was still very much stubborn then and I felt that he wouldn’t “hear” me anyway if I try to explain.

But back to Bolo's question, why do we remember? Why do we feel the need to retell the story of His passion, death and resurrection over and over again? Because, there is a need to remember. We need to remember that we humans, in our folly, sometimes crucify others only for the reason that they make us look into ourselves and notice our own imperfections. We need to remember that sometimes we bear false witness against others out of envy and greed. We need to remember that we live in a world where it is not easy to be good and have the purest of intentions because there are others who would only hate you for it. Most of all, we need to remember that Someone went through the most painful experience and humiliation just so He could demonstrate to us how life should be lived.

What GMA Can Learn From Gov. Spritzer of NY

2008-03-14T00:56:00.003-08:00

...you should resign when your integrity as the leader is already put in question.

For all the controversies this administration had managed to get itself into -- from the fertilizer scandal, to the "Hello Garci" issue, and now the NBN ZTE anomalous deal -- if GMA really is a person of character, then she should have taken it upon herself to show everyone she is a person of integrity and resign.

She should have resigned amidst the Garci issue. That placed her legitimacy as the president of the nation in question. But what did she do? She appeared on national television wearing a mournful expression on her face and just said, "sorry!" And then here comes the ZTE controversy. Amidst protests and rallies, she goes about with her work, appearing in the news lauching some project or program. She's acting as if nothing is happening at all!

I wonder what GMA wants to leave the world as her legacy and what her values are. I wonder what went on inside the head of Gov. Spritzer that lead him to resign and what is it with Mrs. Arroyo that make her do otherwise?

Have I been a lot younger and more idealistic than I am now, I know I could have said a mouthful where this issue is concerned. Bah!

Affirmation

2008-03-11T23:35:00.004-08:00

As if to affirm my entry below and my thoughts about it lately, Bolo and I again had a row this morning. It's been quite a while since we last fought. Actually, he's really been sweet lately and thus there was really nothing left to do but to return the favor. Up until this morning.

And yet there he was. He left just a few moments ago to bring me lunch. In our haste this morning, I totally forgot about it. Anyway, when he brought me lunch he pointed out to me how he still worry about me despite my being "maldita." :p I retorted back that it wasn't I who started it but him. Oh well, I guess that's really part of every relationships. I really just pray that we outgrow this particular stage. It just gets a little tiring at times, having to quarrel all the time. I like it best when he and I are deep in conversation over nothing, when we would talk about nothing in particular. It's as if we just want to hear each other's voice or just be in each other's company...

The Best Kind of Love

2008-03-08T23:25:00.003-08:00

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul;
that makes us reach for more,
that plants the fire in our hearts
and brings peace to our minds.
That's what I hope to give you forever.”

-- Noah

I’m currently watching, “The Notebook” for the second time – tonight. Yup, the same night. It was that good. It’s that part now that they had a confrontation about Allie getting confused all over again about what she really wants. After spending two days of reconnecting with Noah and rebuilding all that they’ve lost, she again falters when confronted by her current reality and the thought of disappointing her parents and hurting her fiancé.

In the scene Noah pointed out it’s going to be hard and difficult, noting how they fight and argue a lot. He said they would have to work at it everyday but that it is alright because he wanted Allie, all that she is. This includes her being a pain in the ass 99% of the time.

I watched this scene for the second time and for the second time I felt something resonate within me. For the past two days I’ve been holed out at home owing to Bolo’s getting sick. He got sick after the climb. He complained of a really bad headache and body ache. He had a bad cough too.

Yesterday, he had his Dad come around to give him a massage. I teased him no end even with his Dad around. I told him he’s all grown up already, making his own decisions, getting his own way most of the time and yet there he was calling right out to Daddy when he’s feeling sick.

In truth I was also feeling a bit self-conscious. I don’t want his Dad to think I couldn’t take care of Bolo well enough that he had to call for “reinforcement.” But I appreciated the whole experience. It gave me a peek as to the kind of relationship that he and his siblings have with their father.

I have always wondered how despite their household set-up he and his siblings get along well with their father and each other. Well, despite their having different Mums that is. There’s just a certain closeness that is quite evident to see. And well, the respect is there too. I mean for all that their father did, it’s obvious that they don’t disrespect him at all. On the contrary. I guess it’s really because for all their father’s confusion as to where his heart should lay, he was never confused as to how he feels and care for his children. I guess no one could really fault him where that is concerned.

Anyway, the last two days was really something. I just found out Bolo is quite a baby when sick. His uncle just recently passed away and after just two weeks, his cousin also did. Both were cases of cardiac arrest and his cousin was only 28 years old. So with all the ache he’s feeling, Bolo is starting to imagine there is something wrong with his heart as well. He thought it is something that all Bolo’s in the world share – a weak heart.

The funny thing is, he got into this weird mood. For the whole day he would interrupt whatever it is we are talking about just to make me swear I’m not going to marry someone else if ever he goes first. He would then follow this up with, “I promise I won’t marry someone else should you go first. Promise.” Imagine that!

Bolo is such a baby and I just found out he’s doubly so when sick. He could not bring himself to get water even if it is just a few paces away from him. It had to be me. And he also found 101 errands for me to do for him. I was like indignant at first, I did not want to be bossed around hehehe But I tented to him as best as I could.

Back to the movie, I identified with that particular scene because that’s how Bolo and I are. We always fight over the littlest of things. Sometimes it’s just over the tone of his voice. There are times he said some things in a manner that would really irritate the h--- out of me. But I guess, that’s just it really. Despite that and a thousand more irritant scenarios, we really love each other and wouldn’t want to be with someone else. Maybe that is what drove Bolo’s insistence that I swear I wouldn’t marry someone else in the event that we would part. It’s his way of saying that he couldn’t really imagine himself being with someone else and that he’s hoping I feel the same way too.

There are times when we are in the middle of a very bitter quarrel that I would stop and think how life could have been if I’ve chosen differently. There are also times when Bolo would be at his worst and I would wonder how I’ve come to love this person. But then again, after the flames and everything is back to normal, I would again see a thousand more reasons why I loved, still love and chose this person.

On Loving Better

2008-03-03T20:52:00.002-08:00

Funny. I sit here finishing an entry to my travel blog when Akon’s “Blame on Me” came blaring from my head phones. I felt being taunted by it. I felt like a character in some Greek mythology with the gods looking down and playing a trick on me. I could almost picture them hovering above me in some cloud enjoying the fact that they have yet found another victim of their very dry sense of humor. Well, I am amused by the coincidence myself.

There I was a moment ago, wallowing in my “tampo” to Bolo. I was contemplating the soundness of texting Bolo a very “hurting” message, painting him a very dramatic picture of how I spend the last three days practically sleepless tending to a very sick Baby while he did not bother at all to move heaven and earth just to text me how he was.

We have just gotten off the phone. I’ve been trying to contact him all day, owing to the fact that Baby really looked so bad this morning I wanted to take him to the hospital until Mama told me to observe him for a little more time. When I heard a very irritated voice explaining to me why he could not text and asking about how Baby was, I felt my temper rise.

I don’t know what I was expecting really but I sure did not expect to hear that tone of voice from him. Maybe I was expecting to hear a hint of concern, or him asking me how I was too… So when I got that reception instead, I think I blew my top a little.

Seeing how bad the weather was the past days, I have also been worried about how he was. It had rained the whole weekend here so I could only imagine how it was up there. I’ve spent the entire weekend erasing the thought of him slipping from some boulder and lying hurt in the ground. I keep reminding myself that thoughts become things and how much I wouldn’t want any of that to happen to him. Every night for the past three days I’ve been praying that he come home to us whole, alive and well on top of praying for Baby’s getting well real quick.

So when I got the message asking me to call him, I was quite ready to ask him how he was and to share with him Baby’s condition but instead we got into an argument. I guess we were both tired and sleepless. I guess he and I are both exhausted and thus quite short of patience.

I felt stung after our phone conversation. I was really fighting the urge to send him an “emotionally nagging” text. But of course, common sense eventually prevailed. What good will that amount to anyway?

This was not the first time this happened. More often than not, our arguments stem from some kind of misunderstanding. Most of the time it’s me blowing my top for him not being able to meet what I’ve expected of him.

I’ve been observant enough to know that this happens to a lot of couples too. My friends tell me about it. So do my peers and the women I work with. Often times, women wail about the significant others’ insensitivity. Detaching myself from the situation I ask myself, “But what is being insensitive really?” Can someone please give me a clear definition of the word?

In my experience, I accuse Bolo of the crime when he would fail to acknowledge the “sacrifices” I’ve made, no matter how “little” it may seem. In some cases, it’s his not being able to give me special attention on special occasions. It’s him putting other people’s comfort over mine. And so on and so forth.

Unattached, I could see that it’s all drama really. I guess this is what reading all of those fairy tales and love stories do to a woman’s psyche. We tend to believe we are all damsels in distress and it is the men-in-our-live’s job to “rescue” us and to give us everything that we need. I guess this is also the reason why there are women out there who think their lives incomplete if they don’t have a love life of sorts.

In truth, it is really just up to us to complete ourselves. Well, we are pretty complete as we are. Broken maybe, but never incomplete really. I guess it’s not really the “lack of something” that haunts us or that makes us unhappy. It’s really just the failure to acknowledge that life in itself is a wonderful gift already. It is one’s being unaware that there are a lot of things in life that we ought to be thankful for. It’s being ignorant about the fact that we only need to look within and not out there for the very thing that would make us happy.

I’ve known this truth a long, long time ago and yet every now and then I still find myself right smack in the middle of a melodrama that at times I even orchestrated myself. I ask myself now, “for what?” Why is it that despite learning this truth I still fall and stumble and commit the same mistakes? Most especially so if it concerns my relationship with my significant other?

Is it some kind of a chronic need? To be constantly a figure in a love-hate melodrama? Is it to answer some kind of need to be reassured that the man in my life loves me like Prince Charming would Cinderella? Or is this borne about by years of conditioning reading all those love stories and watching far too many telenovelas? By doing so, have I unwittingly fed my mind with some distorted notion of what love between a man and woman should be?

For all my uncertainties, there is only one thing I am certain of. It’s that I would not want to waste a lifetime feeding some kind of distorted need. Spend my life chasing some kind of fantasy in my head, moving heaven and earth -- making the lives of the persons around me hell – just so I could satisfy the need to make my reality fit the “perfect” picture I’ve conjured in my head. I think, looking back, I’ve been guilty of that. Only, I wasn’t too aware at that time. And it is causing me sorrow now to have realized that. Because, those people that I could have loved well are no longer in my life now. I could no longer atone for all the unloving actions I did in the past borne out of my own ignorance.

Now, I have grown over the years and have learned to love better. And it’s just sad that there are some persons in my life who have gone ahead and not benefited from this change in me. Persons who really matter like my Dad and brother.

I love them so dearly and I’m sad knowing that they were in my life when I was still groping with truth and trying to define who I really am as a person. If there is one thing I regret in this lifetime it is that I feel I was not able to love them well. Oh I know that I have, somewhat. It’s just that being a mother myself now, being a wife, having gone through so much in life than I’ve had in the past, I am somewhat a better person. And things are a lot clearer to me now than it was then. I just wish they have come to know the love I could give them now… I love you both Pa, Nin and I sincerely wish for your peace. The soul is eternal and I know we will come to meet each other again some other time. I look forward to the day.

Apo

2008-03-02T01:24:00.002-08:00

Leaning on the railings of the veranda and peering in the darkness, I could just make out the outline of Apo’s peak. I look at it a little wistfully, dreaming of the day that I’ll find myself in her midst again. More than that though, I wonder in what part of that Great Mountain is Bolo, and his company, in right now. It’s as if I believe that if I look at it intensely enough, then I would be able to even vaguely discern Bolo’s figure in the darkness. But, I felt the connection all the same. I felt my heart establish it when the limitation of my eyes failed to do so.

Bolo is on his second climb to Apo without me. The first one, just a couple of month’s ago, proved to be tough for him. He told me he missed me miserably then. In the three year’s we’ve been together as “sweethearts,” we’ve climbed Apo five times – together, never apart.

After we’ve been married, his work took him there twice. On both occasions, he always managed to just stay close to Agco, never scaling her. Even then, he told me the “missing part” was a bit to contend with. It was only very recently that he had to really scale her. And he told me it was tough having to bear the cold and the memories of our moments together there.

Well, if truth be told, they were not all great moments hehe since we did fight a lot then. Most of the time it’s about me making some unnecessary risks or my having to contend with the fact that there wasn’t really enough time for me to enjoy some “alone moments.”

Climbing mountains for me had always been something spiritual and personal. For each mountaineering trip, I always look forward to the time that I’ll be standing in some peak, soaking myself with all the energy the whole experience is affording me. It’s at these times that I connect with myself and my God in the most intense manner. It’s when I reassess how life had been and think about my priorities again and what they should be…

Having Bolo around somewhat changed that. Looking back, it wasn’t really his fault entirely. It’s just that we were both vegetarians then and were most of the time preoccupied with preparing our own meals in the mornings. With that, there was hardly any time left for some introspection. I only find the time to write and think at the end of the day, when we’ve had our last meal for the day and had all our pots cleaned and stowed away.

I miss being in the mountains but just feeling Baby’s warm palm touching my arm now made me realize I don’t really miss it that much. Days before Bolo left for this trip I’ve been teasing him about my having my own mountain trips as well. He did not warm up to the idea particularly on the thought of his not being there to “assist” me. He probably forgot I was into mountaineering long before I met him and that I’ve had some major climbs even before he became my self-appointed “protector.”

Anyway, while I insisted on it then, it’s really more for winning the “argument” than fighting for the desire to go climbing once again. Truthfully, I really don’t have the energy for it. I think I hardly have enough inclination for it to really want to push through with it. Bolo and I have been musing about going this coming Holy Week but the thought of dragging Baby all through that or having to leave him at home is quashing any desire I may have about it. Just thinking of his safety and the preparation that had to go with having Baby along on such a trip zaps whatever inclination I may have. Mountaineering is a lot of work really and having to mind a baby on top of that is like taking on a lot of trouble for no apparent reason.

Baby’s having a high fever right now. And I’m chipping away here to while the time away and to make sure I’m wide awake till it’s time for him to take his medicine again. I could not imagine having to expose Baby to the elements in the mountain just so I could have my cake and eat it too. For now, Baby and his needs is all that matters. I’ve had had my mountaineering time. I’m looking forward to taking it up again but I’m more than willing to wait for a couple more years for that. For now, Baby comes first.

Happy Heart's Day Everyone!

2008-02-14T01:11:00.000-08:00

I was busy leafing through a pile of what appears to be rubbish but are actually my clothes in my closet to look for something to wear for today. For several days now I’ve been wearing skirts to the office. Not for any other reason other than I’m trying to save my slacks for the training our office will be holding next week. It’s a four-day course and I don’t want to spend the weekend before it, seeing to the laundry. I’d rather devote it in paying attention to the other details for the training.

I was mulling my choices when I heard Bolo’s voice from the other room. In very earnest tones he told me, “Nay, huwag ka talagang magpula ngayon. Huwag na huwag.” (Nay, don’t wear red today. Simply don’t). It wasn’t the words that threw me but the earnestness I heard in his voice. From the sound of it, he was dead serious about it which makes it the more funny. I’m not sure whether he’s referring to the fact that I’ll be joining a thousand others outside should I decide to wear red or he’s “warning” me about being mistaken as someone “still-in-search.”

Still in search, indeed! =) These days my heart is filled with gratitude every time Baby would seek me out and sit in my lap to render me yet again another of his nursery rhymes medley. In broken tones and broken-words hehe would serenade me starting with ABC, to eensy-weensy spider, to Babah, Black, sheep…And I would sit there feeling as if my heart is soaring and twinkling along with the stars he is singing about =)

These days it’s a common scene in the house to have Bolo or me turning to Baby and kissing or hugging him for the sheer joy he is giving us. In search huh? Nope, while sometimes it may not appear to be so? But I believe I have just found my home in my son. He’s the one who taught me the depth of the love I could ever feel and give… I love you Baby “Wod Lowen Abeiya Bolo” =)

Happy Heart’s Day Everyone! Take this day (and everyday hereafter) as an opportunity to sow, give, show your love to the persons that matter in your life. (And if I may add, to one’s country as well.)

I was there

2008-01-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

…when my friend would sneak out of the hotel room we were billeted for a training we were documenting to meet him downstairs. His excuse was that he could not sleep… he had to see her…

…when she would cut off a rendezvous with friends who are home for the holidays just because he had already arrived to whisk her away…

…on a number of occasions as she pointed out to me the “portrait” of them he made which he labeled, “soulmates.” I even reluctantly pose for another “portrait” since he told me he wanted to transform his front yard into her “playground” bearing some of the “portraits” of the persons she loved…

…to share her happiness as she relates how he would come by her house in the middle of the night just because he could not bear sleeping without her…

…as she struggled with the difficulty of being apart with him as well. Of having to sneak back to her parents’ house in the middle of the night and risking a good scolding in the morning. I was one of the few persons she texted when she finally made the decision to move out of her parents’ house just to move in with him.

…there when she finally gave birth to their daughter…

They were not some love-struck, do-not-know-any-better, naive teen-agers then. They were both twenty-seven years old. Probably not old enough to know everything about relationships but not too young either to not know what they were getting themselves into…

So it hurts me now to have some third person label the relationship as just some “f****ng frenzy.” I would very much like to believe it was much deeper than that…

I am not angry at the person who dismissed the relationship as just that. I just thought she does not know any better. But I am definitely angry… Because I know somewhere along the way a “story” have been told in such a manner that made her view the relationship as such I am most angry at the very person whom my friend have entrusted a big part of her life to.

Because you see, I was there too when he started to change… I was there when he treated her badly while she was still pregnant… I was there when she had to struggle to pick up the pieces again and start her life anew… I was there as she struggle to continue establishing some semblance of relationship with him just for the sake of their daughter… I may not have been really there for the most part but I was there and have seen enough and felt enough…

And she’s struggling even now… and it pains me to have other women dismiss other women’s experiences as some kind of folly… we are women…. And by that we should have known any better… not to make any judgment… not to make rash statements about someone else’s experiences… I know there was probably no malice when the thing was said… but words have energy you see… they have meanings that no amount of subtlety could ever change what they mean…

I felt the pain for my friend, even shed a tear for her. I felt myself shaken to the very core, and was even shaking physically because of it. I was that affected. I asked myself why did I have to be there to hear all of that? What for? Am I suppose to help her out in some way? Is she asking for clarity now, for some definition of sorts and I had to hear all of that just to gain another person’s perspective?

I am never one for meddling with other person’s affairs. I have enough troubles of my own. And besides, what wisdom could I possibly offer when I am just an outsider looking in and not the very one involved? That is why I am also very careful about giving in my opinion or volunteering my views on anything. Because I feel I am never in the position to do so… unless if it concerns my own affairs… my own concerns…

Ah friend, I feel for you. If I am this hurt, I could only imagine how it must have been for you… Ah… all is well… no matter how it may seem differently at times…..

My First Charming

2008-01-16T01:17:00.001-08:00

Bolo turned to me and said something like, "I draw my strength from you. I find my consolation in having you here. Thank you." Then he finished off his monologue with, "Truly, you're my... first charming?" And I'm like, "Huh?!" After much explaining, I finally got what he meant, "Lucky Charm." First charming indeed haha!

We just came from his father's house. We..err.. "deposited" our car for repairs. The incident from which he needed some strenght to draw from is our having to be stuck in the middle of the traffic when our car suddenly konked out on us. Luckily we were not that far from the sidewalk so he would not have to "push" that far but just a few strides. Needless to say, he did not find the whole experience funny. In fact, he was quite prepared to give the dealer of the car quite a mouthful the instant he sees him.

So I'm like schooling him on the virtue of choosing his words carefully and how giving in to one's temper could not in any way change the state of things. I explained to him how scorn would only beget scorn and how being rude would not help things any. I told him, if he'd be kind then he'd probably get a much better response than if he'd be rude...

This morning, he repeated the entire monologue again but this time getting the words right. We were discussing on what to do with the car. And I let him explain why he felt that way. I was not fishing for compliments. Just trying to understand what is going on in his head and he said, "I draw my strength from you because you remained calm inspite the mishap and the fact that you stuck with me and we're together..."

I guess, that really count much huh? Being there for each other. Being together in the face of whatever trying moments even if it is as simple as dealing with a broken car...

Hands Are For...

2008-01-15T00:46:00.000-08:00

Baby is truly a blessing in mine and Bolo's life. He perks up our days. He's our most immediate source (next to God) of happiness and energy in the morning. No matter how bad we feel, everytime Baby awakes and flash to us his beaming face, everything just lights up. Either that or it is his voice calling, "Nanay?!" or "Tatay?!" the moment he wakes up and we're in the other room.

There is something about babies, particularly one's own, and the little things that they do which would come to mean a lot. In an instant they could erase a day's worth of stress. The moment I enter our house and hear Baby's exurberant, "Nanay!" I would feel as if everything just melts away -- a bad episode in the office, a trying experience, a nagging irritant...

I'd say Baby is almost perfect (as every Mom would say of their little one) but for one thing -- spanking comes easily to him. I think he got it from his cousin Janine who's jealousy of him drives her to be such a bully sometimes. And I admit maybe from Bolo and I too.

For some time, I've really been thinking long and hard as to how to arrest such attitude of his. I've been trying to look for some creative ways as to how to impress upon him that spanking is really bad.

We've tried the "stand-in-the-corner" technique. I've had him stand in some corner everytime he would hit us. The first time was in fact very funny since we had him stand in one corner but then we realized it was quite dark there. So, we transfered him to another corner and then realized again there were some sharp objects nearby so we had to transfer him again. I think we managed to have him more confused than schooled on the wrongness of spanking. But really, it was such a funny experience. Bolo and I were trying to stiffle our laughter the whole time.

Anyway, even now, we still have him stand in the corner. Even if we are in a pizza parlor or some restaurant, we would very discreetly define one corner for him (which is usually the seat where he's at) and let him stand there everytime he gets into some spanking frenzy. And he would stand there, looking forlorn, crying and often reaching out his hand to us. But we would ignore him even though my heart was also breaking. Often times though I would give in, but not until I would ask him to say he's sorry. And he would, in a very soft voice and then he would come up to me for a big hug. That usually melts my heart in a big way. And so he is off the hook quite easily. Somehow, it does not help address the problem.

Until, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative trick. We got into talking about sanksaras and that's when it hit me. It explained a lot of things to me like the question of whether "bad habits" and "bad attitudes" are hereditary or can be traced in the genes. For a while I had that question noticing how my brother before had some attitudes that are quite different from ours. For a while we entertained the thought that it could be something in his "blood." It was the only plausible explanation then since we would very much like to believe that we've provided him with the "right" enviroment. And then Janin came along also who is displaying attitude of her Mom who've left her when she was only two years old.

Anyway, to cut it short, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative way of teaching Baby the "alternative" uses of the hands. She told me not to call attention to Baby's actions everytime he would hit us. She said that would only highlight the action more to him. Instead, I would point out to Baby what the hands are for, in a more positive sense like:

- hands are for hugging...
- hands are for patting the back...
- hands are for writing...
- hands are for drawing...
and so on and so forth...

It makes so much sense to me... And I'm trying to apply it now... it's hard though especially when Baby would turn to me and say in his cute, little voice,"Noooo..." hehe His voice is amazing... melts my heart right through... :)

Starting the Year Right: Changing Old Tapes

2008-01-14T00:32:00.000-08:00

2007 was generally a good year. If by we good, we mean and acknowledge that everything that ever happens to us is intended to help us become the very best persons that we can be.

It has been a trying year. I had a miscarriage, I lost my brother, Bolo and I had some trying moments. Twice last year, I packed up my things and left out of sheer exasperation and hurt. The most recent one, on the 29th of December. So Bolo and I really literally almost ended the year with a big bang. All for having been victims to our old tapes. Unwittingly, I have allowed myself to be so caught up with minute details of my life this year. And it is not without its consequence. The consequence? I have become the most unloving person that I could ever become.

Looking back, last year I could not really claim to having been my best self. At the most I wallowed in my pain, in my loss, in my drama, in thinking some individuals have done me great injustice, etc. etc. On the one hand, I’m thinking if it wasn’t just post-partum blues speaking, after having the miscarriage and all. Yeah, excuses, excuses and that is hardly the point now.

But of course it was not all grief. If anything, if I would really think long and hard, there was actually more of the good stuff – I had more time with my son, we had opportunity for travels again (bontoc, baguio and sagada), there were plenty of blessings and opportunities, the friendship I share with my college buddies was strengthened... Reminding myself of all of these blessings brings about a sense of newness. And immediately, I am filled with a sense of gratitude rather than despair…

Now, more than ever, I am determined to being my best self once again – be more loving, less critical, more understanding, forgiving and “giving.” I want to be more grateful too, focusing more on the good things that I ought to be thankful for (which is actually a lot!) than on the things I bemoan. Well, I want to take it even further. I would very much want to forego bemoaning altogether. I just want to be grateful. Period.

And it seems to me the universe is responding to this particular intention of mine. Because, everyday, there are situations and persons who would talk to me about certain things that serve to help me along.

On our first day at the office after a very looong, Christmas break (this is another thing to be thankful about the job I keep now – we have Christmas breaks), we had our usual New Year ritual. We had a deck of “virtue cards” (A BK initiative) where we pick and choose a few cards and take them to be the things we need to work on in certain areas of our life. These areas being – (1) Family, (2) Self-development; (3) Work; (4) Relationships; and (5) Social Life. On top of this, we also pick a card to represent our “foundation” or that virtue which shall serve as our strength or core as we work on the different aspect of our lives. The cards I picked or which that chose me, are:

Self-Development: Respect. Because I respect myself, I also respect others, nature and all things.

Social life: Gentle. I tread lightly and lovingly upon this earth.

Family: Wise. I act after understanding the past, present and future of every situation.

Work: Fearless. Because my heart is clean and pure, I am fearless in all I do.

Relationship: I got "Respect" again which I think was very significant. But then again I opted to chose another card and I got, “pure-hearted.” My heart is full of pure love for all of God’s creation.

As for my foundation, I had, “content.” I feel full, calm, without desires or expectations.

I feel, as I mentioned before, that I did not choose the cards but instead it was them who sought and found me. Every thing fits. The instant I picked them I knew why it was the virtue that I picked for a particular aspect in my life.

Truly, there are a lot of things to be truly grateful for in one’s life. I am grateful for all the persons I come in contact with. Because, they are instrumental to my own becoming. I am grateful for such persons as Ms. Arlene who saw it as her role to facilitate this activity to us every year.

I think, it really takes a special kind of person to bother about making it their business to help others along, especially if it is in lined with helping them become their best self. And I’m sitting here, thinking, I would want to do that too.

I am not perfect but this time I would not want to think about that. Thinking about it only limits me as to the things I think I can do. I am a soul, ever in the process of becoming the best that I can be. And I know I need not worry because everything is not all about me. There is a higher self, a Higher Being who helps creates things in our lives, who aids us along as we work on our own imperfections.

There’s this saying that I always keep close to my heart that serves as a source of inspiration every time I find myself falling flat on my face. It gives me the strength to move on and continue working on the unfolding of my own truth. It says something like, “The spiritual path is always constant, never changing, even if the seeker may often loose his way.”